K. Klopfenstein and the Adventure of the Angry Husband

Last night Ryan and I went to Wal-Mart to take some cans back. We decided we'd use the can money to buy some frozen pizza, so we went frollicking down to the frozen foods section. As we passed one of the isles, I glanced over and recognized a face that instantly took me back to my Modern Drama class at UNI. Standing there, looking over the frozen peas, was the hot redhead who served as my eye candy during that class.

There must have been a lack of hot chicks in that class, because I don't recall having any other visual diversions at the time. She also sat near Tim and I, and Tim knew her from other classes, so she occasionally talked to us. There was no mistaking it, it was the same girl who now pushed her cart past the frosty glass doors.

I said to Ryan, "Hey, I know that girl!"

"Who?"

"Come down this isle."

We turn around and stroll down the isle she's in. I casually walk by, acting as if I don't notice her. Once we pass through the isle Ryan says, "Yeah, she recognized you. She did a double-take when you walked by."

"Yeah, me and Tim had a class with her. She was an English major at UNI. Damn, I wish I could remember her name. I remember her last name was weird--german."

I shrug, "I think she said she was getting married anyway."

We continue walking until the curiosity becomes too much for me.

"I'll call Tim. He'll know what her name is. If he answers."

After trying his cellphone and his land line, I finally get ahold of him.

Tim, sounding groggy, "Hello?"

"Tim, do you remember that redhead in our modern drama class? The one with the wierd last name?"

"Ummmm...."

"You know, the one who asked you to come over to her dorm when her roommate wasn't there."

"Wha..."

"She had a weird german last name."

"Oh, Klopfenstein."

"What was her first name?"

"Kelly."

"Sweet. I just saw her here at Wal-Mart and I couldn't remember her name."

"What? Did she still look hot?"

"Yeah."

"Well go man! Go talk to her! Hurry!"

"Okay, I'm going."

"GO! Hurry!"

"Okay, later."

So, after Tim's rousing I had renewed confidence and a first name to call her by. So Ryan and I march off to find her. Ryan starts rehearsing possible openings, "Kelly? Kelly from Modern Drama at UNI? You don't remember me? It's Ryan."

We finally find her near the front of the store. She is accompanied by a tall, evil-looking fellow with big lips and a big forehead. I try to ignore him and, as she passes I say, "Kelly?" She turns, looking surprised to hear her name. When her eyes land on me she seems to have some blurry recognition.

"Hey, how are you?"

At this point I notice that her Frankensteinian companion is starting to look even more evil and pissed off than before. His big eybrows are furrowed and he is glaring in my direction. I manage a weak response.

"I'm real good."

I honestly don't even remember if I asked her how she was. I think she said something like "Good to see you" as I fled the scene with urine running down my leg. It was a pathetic display of cowardice.

Ryan made sure to remind me all the way back to the car of how piss-poor a job I did making conversation. His advice was to say something like, "Fancy meeting you here. Those look like great melons you're carrying. Mind if I squeeze them?"

Oh, and I must not have gotten a very good look at her the first time, because I noticed a few new things the second time. She is still cute, but she is also quite pregnant. I'm not sure how the protruding belly got overlooked the first time. I must have been concentrating too hard on looking casual.