More Dialogues from Work; Amish Gets Laid; Recycled Ideas About Corpsey Sex Puppets
Kathy: And have you seen that movie? That Pay it Forward? They kill the kid!
Me: I'm afraid I have. One of my girlfriend's parents watched it while I was at their house.
Kathy: (disgusted)They killed that kid!
Me: He gets stabbed to death.
Kathy: I can not believe he died!
Me: It's a good thing. Unconventional storytelling.
Kathy: Well. That's why my eyes are all puffy today.
. . .
I can not believe Amish got laid! And the way Josh told it was the best—very early 20th Century comic book style, with the full cap words and everything. I was going to copy it into the body of this post, but figured everyone has already seen it anyway. If you haven't, go read it.
I was going to post theories on how this happened, but that would be pretty gossip columney, wouldn't it? What's that? You don't care? Okay, then:
1) Amish and Madame X (not to be confused with Madame M from my post about bear suits and Andy's dates) sit cross-legged on Josh's bed. A deck of cards sits between them, and a bottle of Jack Daniel's sits on the end table. Madame X deals out five cards to Amish, five to herself. Amish lays down double Jacks; X tosses a pair of fours, then a three and a nine and one more four. "Strip," she says, and grins. Amish doesn't move. "Go ahead," she says, but Amish seems deaf. He stares without blinking, face angry and uncomprehending, until she gingerly starts undoing her own buttons, trying not to show fear.
2) It's the year 2019, and Mel and I are the only ones of us who remain. Amish has recently finally flipped his mashed potatoes and gone on a hormone-frenzied killing spree, triggered by a vigorous Andy junk grabbing, and has dispatched first Andy and then Ryan and then everyone except for Mel, who was working as a coal-mining taxi driver in Colorado and me, who was passed out in a gutter on 4th Street. We decide to pool our resources and stem Amish's sexual frustration before it's too late. After purchasing a time machine, we go back in time and purchase him a prostitute, swear her to secrecy, and toddle her over toward Josh's place.
3) It's the year 2150. (Life extension is discovered in 2020 and is always being improved upon). Amish has been well-laid his entire life, and we have all continued to hang out, but recently he pissed me off by accidentally deleting three entire novels from my hard drive when he drunkenly tried to feed whiskey directly into the cockport (a future internet porn innovation). I concoct a time machine—without Mel this time—and travel back into the past, before Amish's birth, and harvest one body part from all his female ancestors. When I have an entire collection, I sew them together into one grisly meat puppet. Then I travel into the far-flung future, have the body animated with nano-motors so that it walks and moves and sort of talks, and send it back to 2005, to sleep with Amish on Josh's bed. There's something familiar to the "woman"—a familial resemblance, and for a moment it's like he's fucking his brother. But then, he's used to that.
Me: I'm afraid I have. One of my girlfriend's parents watched it while I was at their house.
Kathy: (disgusted)They killed that kid!
Me: He gets stabbed to death.
Kathy: I can not believe he died!
Me: It's a good thing. Unconventional storytelling.
Kathy: Well. That's why my eyes are all puffy today.
. . .
I can not believe Amish got laid! And the way Josh told it was the best—very early 20th Century comic book style, with the full cap words and everything. I was going to copy it into the body of this post, but figured everyone has already seen it anyway. If you haven't, go read it.
I was going to post theories on how this happened, but that would be pretty gossip columney, wouldn't it? What's that? You don't care? Okay, then:
1) Amish and Madame X (not to be confused with Madame M from my post about bear suits and Andy's dates) sit cross-legged on Josh's bed. A deck of cards sits between them, and a bottle of Jack Daniel's sits on the end table. Madame X deals out five cards to Amish, five to herself. Amish lays down double Jacks; X tosses a pair of fours, then a three and a nine and one more four. "Strip," she says, and grins. Amish doesn't move. "Go ahead," she says, but Amish seems deaf. He stares without blinking, face angry and uncomprehending, until she gingerly starts undoing her own buttons, trying not to show fear.
2) It's the year 2019, and Mel and I are the only ones of us who remain. Amish has recently finally flipped his mashed potatoes and gone on a hormone-frenzied killing spree, triggered by a vigorous Andy junk grabbing, and has dispatched first Andy and then Ryan and then everyone except for Mel, who was working as a coal-mining taxi driver in Colorado and me, who was passed out in a gutter on 4th Street. We decide to pool our resources and stem Amish's sexual frustration before it's too late. After purchasing a time machine, we go back in time and purchase him a prostitute, swear her to secrecy, and toddle her over toward Josh's place.
3) It's the year 2150. (Life extension is discovered in 2020 and is always being improved upon). Amish has been well-laid his entire life, and we have all continued to hang out, but recently he pissed me off by accidentally deleting three entire novels from my hard drive when he drunkenly tried to feed whiskey directly into the cockport (a future internet porn innovation). I concoct a time machine—without Mel this time—and travel back into the past, before Amish's birth, and harvest one body part from all his female ancestors. When I have an entire collection, I sew them together into one grisly meat puppet. Then I travel into the far-flung future, have the body animated with nano-motors so that it walks and moves and sort of talks, and send it back to 2005, to sleep with Amish on Josh's bed. There's something familiar to the "woman"—a familial resemblance, and for a moment it's like he's fucking his brother. But then, he's used to that.
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