That alien definitely bit that dinosaur's asssssss.

Kevin has expressed interest in having an Attic Apartment account. What do you think? He's promised that his first post will consist solely of naked pictures of his mother. Some of these pictures involve Dave. Some involve dinosaurs fighting aliens for sexual rights to Kevin's mother.

Which rights, as we all know, are actually mine, and are stored, in written form, in my secret bank vault, also known as my "glove compartment."

Has anyone ever read David Foster Wallace? One story I read over lunch starts out something like this: "Here's a weird one for you:" and is the narrator's sudden memory of a day in his youth when his dad walked into the room, walked right up in front of him, unzipped his pants, and menacingly waggled his penis around.

Another story is about how a one-armed guy uses his deformed and disgusting stump to guilt girls into bed.

Girls: don't let yourself be guilted into bed with the deformed, or anyone who works for a circus.

You should only sleep with government employees.

Cricket's computer problems fuse me with corn.

When I was very young, my nephew tried to suffocate me by sitting on my face. I bit his ass cheek--through pants, mind you--so hard that it left bruises. And who got in trouble? Me. Me, baby. Me.