Bears: The real threat.

During the last four years the nation has had its fear focused on terrorism. Billions of dollars have been spent by the United States in an attempt to prevent and eliminate terrorism around the world. Confident that, just as they won the war on drugs, they would eventually be successful in their effort, the US has spared no expense in fighting terrorism.

But while all of the focus and funds are going into fighting terrorism, an even more eminent threat lurks in the forests around our very homes: BEARS!





That’s right, you think terrorism is scary? BEARS are scary! Have you ever looked into a bear’s eyes and seen the raw evil that dwells within? Bears were forged by satan himself in the fires of hell! And bears tried to kill George W. Bush’s dad long before Saddam Hussein even thought about it!








Ignore the bears’ “feel good” propaganda, they don’t care about anything other than devouring the flesh of tasty humans.














These bears, well, they are not scary. This is the Bears NFL team. They aren’t scary because they haven’t had a good team since, like, the 80’s. I liked GI Joe’s in the 80’s and couldn’t have cared less about football, so I don’t even remember when the Bears had a good team. Not scary. Refrain from killing these Bears.








Now THIS bear is scary! I about pooped ‘um when I saw this bear. Yes, I nearly soiled myself from shock and horror when I saw the image of this ferocious creature. THIS is the reason God gave America guns, not terrorists!







But, in the War on Bears, guns won’t even be our most effective weapons.

These bears are smart. A mere gun is no match for a bear’s keen intellect and lightning speed. They swat bullets out of the air like honey bees! We need something more powerful than guns.

We need Conan O’Brien.

Conan O’Brien has trained for years in his secret bear-fighting facility located somewhere in Wyoming, preparing his mind and his body to be the most efficient bear killer known to man.

Conan eats nothing but raw bear meat to keep his blood lust fresh.

Conan engages the bears in exercises that challenge the body...

...as well as the mind.

No bear will outsmart him.

As if Conan wasn’t enough of a match for these bears, he is now also training an apprentice bear killer.

Tim Dicks: professional assassin and javelin-throwing prodigy

Agent Dicks has the unique ability to hear a human heartbeat from great distances. He can pinpoint the location of anyone within a five-mile radius just by listening for their heartbeat! He also has an incredible knack for chucking a javelin with amazing accuracy.

Conan saw the potential for a bear-killing machine in Tim Dicks.

Conan has been training Tim to pair his audio location and javelin throwing to hit a bear in the heart with a javelin at distances up to sixty yards! So far Conan says that Agent Dicks is showing amazing results. (Reporter Note: I’m sorry but I couldn’t get any pictures of Agent Dicks actually impaling a bear with a javelin, Mr. O’ Brien said that was classified information.)

(Artist's depiction of a bear pierced by Agent Dicks' javelin.)

Conan told our reporter, “This guy can hit a motherfucking bear in the heart from sixty yards. Hell, this crazy bastard can even do it blindfolded! He is going to kill a shit ton of bears!”

Yes, bears may be the most dangerous threat to American lives today. Bears may be more deadly than terrorism, global warming and the avian flu combined! But as long as men like Conan O’Brien and Tim Dicks are fighting for freedom from fear of bears, there is still hope.