I am a mean old troll who bakes little girls and boils them in pies. -- a recipe
I just overheard a bitter old woman: "No. Fans make me sick."
Okay, back to the recipe!
First off, I commend you for your decision to boil a little girl down into pie filling. The best dishes in my native land utilize little girl pie filling as a main ingredient, and the world's sharpest chefs are starting to catch on. If this post is your first exposure to the idea, then I welcome you wholeheartedly. Feel free to email me with your location and I'll send you a list of good local restaurants that offer a variety of desserts based on my favorite recipe.
First you'll want to find a source for your main ingredient. In culinary cirlces, this is called the "honeypot," or, sometimes, "the supply," "the grocery store," or, simply, "the preschool." Be sure that your honeypot is well-stocked, and well away from any police stations.
Any good honeypot will draw not just your attention, but also that of local parents, concerned citizens, teachers, perverts, etc. For this reason, the best way to replenish your pantry is to invest in a good, child-friendly costume. Dressed in your bear suit, you should be able to saunter onto any Merry-go-round and have your pick of the freshest ingredients.
(If tactical approaches aren't your thing, you can also invest in a variety of "berry pickers." I've seen blow guns, bolos, stun grenades. In Africa, I actually used a bottle of pheromones to rout a herd of zebra toward the local village, scaring a handful of children into my net. My buddy Goathead used to drive a '77 Mustang with a kid-catcher strapped to the hood. Now he just uses a rifle and a healthy dose of elephant tranquilizer. Can you imagine how quick a 55-pound 7-year old drops with a tranq dart sticking out between her pig tails?)
Once you finish shopping for groceries, you'll want to get back home. Quick. Now, I'm not gonna use this space to argue over the prudence of keeping a backstock of ingredients in your basement—you'll do what you want. But I suggest whipping up a batch of pie as soon as you get home. If you've got the ingredients, why not enjoy?
The best way to boil down a little girl always has been, and always will be, the traditional cauldron. You're going to need about 2-300 pounds of charcoal, or a comparable pile of wood. Also, water: you make a couple pies a month and your water bill's gonna go through the roof. But I tell you, my hungry brother, it is worth it.
While your filling's on the boil, it's best to start the crust. You're gonna want a bathtub or some other hard, large depression in which to bake (years ago, I partook in a "combo run"—we grabbed a girl out of her plastic pool and then took the pool as well, thinking we were saving time—only to have the boiling filling melt straight through the plastic. We spent the rest of the day cleaning that up.). By the time you finish stirring and laying the crust, your filling should be ready. Pour and allow to cool; the heat from the filling will bake the crust. Once you're finished, enjoy! (Just watch out for shoelaces . . . and entrails. Balls damned entrails.)
Okay, back to the recipe!
First off, I commend you for your decision to boil a little girl down into pie filling. The best dishes in my native land utilize little girl pie filling as a main ingredient, and the world's sharpest chefs are starting to catch on. If this post is your first exposure to the idea, then I welcome you wholeheartedly. Feel free to email me with your location and I'll send you a list of good local restaurants that offer a variety of desserts based on my favorite recipe.
First you'll want to find a source for your main ingredient. In culinary cirlces, this is called the "honeypot," or, sometimes, "the supply," "the grocery store," or, simply, "the preschool." Be sure that your honeypot is well-stocked, and well away from any police stations.
Any good honeypot will draw not just your attention, but also that of local parents, concerned citizens, teachers, perverts, etc. For this reason, the best way to replenish your pantry is to invest in a good, child-friendly costume. Dressed in your bear suit, you should be able to saunter onto any Merry-go-round and have your pick of the freshest ingredients.
(If tactical approaches aren't your thing, you can also invest in a variety of "berry pickers." I've seen blow guns, bolos, stun grenades. In Africa, I actually used a bottle of pheromones to rout a herd of zebra toward the local village, scaring a handful of children into my net. My buddy Goathead used to drive a '77 Mustang with a kid-catcher strapped to the hood. Now he just uses a rifle and a healthy dose of elephant tranquilizer. Can you imagine how quick a 55-pound 7-year old drops with a tranq dart sticking out between her pig tails?)
Once you finish shopping for groceries, you'll want to get back home. Quick. Now, I'm not gonna use this space to argue over the prudence of keeping a backstock of ingredients in your basement—you'll do what you want. But I suggest whipping up a batch of pie as soon as you get home. If you've got the ingredients, why not enjoy?
The best way to boil down a little girl always has been, and always will be, the traditional cauldron. You're going to need about 2-300 pounds of charcoal, or a comparable pile of wood. Also, water: you make a couple pies a month and your water bill's gonna go through the roof. But I tell you, my hungry brother, it is worth it.
While your filling's on the boil, it's best to start the crust. You're gonna want a bathtub or some other hard, large depression in which to bake (years ago, I partook in a "combo run"—we grabbed a girl out of her plastic pool and then took the pool as well, thinking we were saving time—only to have the boiling filling melt straight through the plastic. We spent the rest of the day cleaning that up.). By the time you finish stirring and laying the crust, your filling should be ready. Pour and allow to cool; the heat from the filling will bake the crust. Once you're finished, enjoy! (Just watch out for shoelaces . . . and entrails. Balls damned entrails.)
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