Tried to fuck a pirate...but found the dog

So this girl last nite starts comparing me to her ex-boyfriend. She says that I remind her a lot of him when they started dating. Says that I could learn a lot from him if I were ever to talk to him via email or however. Then she tells me that I need to learn to say no to people and that I need to stop being "everyone's bitch."

This is, of course, after about 30 other signs suggesting this-and-that and everyone telling me to see the writing on the wall and the 40-mile high letters protruding from the planet. Oh, and the scrolling neon technicolor marquee of signs.

WHAT THE FUCK. That's not a question. That, I think, is a statement. Suggestions?