What I Will Tell my Grandchildren When I am 80

What was it like being popular in high school? Lots of orgies. Lots of
oranges. I don't know why but the local grocers gave us free oranges.
They would mail them in large crates to the Popular Kids, c/o the high
school, and we just knew who we were. So did the principal (as the
spelling makes clear, he was our "pal").

I can still hear the clack of his wheelbarrow bouncing over the tiled
hallways, pushing those oranges toward our classrooms. He'd
whistle--always the same song. Whenever we heard the tune to "Part of
Your World" from the hallway, we knew it was time for some citrus.

Alcohol? No. No, goddamn it, absolutely not. (One time we let the
oranges sit in the back of my convertible--free, by the way, a gift
from the other kids, who pooled their ice cream money--for a week, and
then they were rank and smelled like vodka.)