A Grief Shared
I wasn’t going to post anything about this. I felt like it wasn’t something I should burden anyone else with, but I also can’t keep it to myself. I’ve tried, on a couple occasions, to share this with someone in person. It just won’t come out though. Or if it did, I’m afraid tears would come with it, and I’m too old and male to cry. Too cold and pale to fly.
I can’t remember his face without looking at a picture. It’s been too long. Fuck man, I’ve tried. I try to memorize every line of his photos. I try to burn it behind my eyes. It won’t burn. And if we can’t remember someone, does that mean they never were?
Nine years ago my cousin, my best friend, was taken from me. Pulled from the world like a flower being plucked from a garden. And right in front of my eyes. Right in front of my fucking eyes. And now these eyes have forgotten what his face looked like.
Every year for the past eight years I’ve remembered June 26th and 27th. Passionately I’ve remembered them. June 26th was the day he was born. June 27th was the day he died. They are dates that are written on my heart. Tattooed on my soul.
Tim and Nick know. We cheated death on those days. We drank A&W cream soda and ran across a busy highway and we poured a little out for him. Every year I’ve drank A&W cream soda on those days and tried to feel his presence. And sometimes I did. (A&W cream soda was the last thing he ever drank. I still have the can.)
But the years take their toll. This year I forgot. The days just dripped by like they have been most of this year. Probably passed with a drink and a smile. I didn’t mean to forget, I just forgot. It just happened. Isn’t that forgivable? They were just days. They’re only dates on a calendar meant to represent the number of times the earth has revolved in this trip around the sun. Why the fuck should that be important?
But I didn’t just forget two days. I forgot someone. I forgot a person. I forgot Matt.
And Christ, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.
I know it’s kind of an emo-teenager thing to do, but I’m going to break one of my cardinal blogging rules, just this once, and post song lyrics.
"Return" Ok go
Now its years since your body went flat and even memories of that
are all think and dull, all gravel and glass. But who needs them now -- displaced they're easily more safe --the worst of it now: I can't remember your face.
Return.
For a while, with the vertigo cured, we were alive -- we were pure. The void took the shape of all that you were, but years take their toll,and things get bent into shape...Antiseptic and tired, I can't remember your face.
Return.
You were supposed to grow old. Reckless, unfrightened, and old, you were supposed to grow old.
Return. You were supposed to return.
I can’t remember his face without looking at a picture. It’s been too long. Fuck man, I’ve tried. I try to memorize every line of his photos. I try to burn it behind my eyes. It won’t burn. And if we can’t remember someone, does that mean they never were?
Nine years ago my cousin, my best friend, was taken from me. Pulled from the world like a flower being plucked from a garden. And right in front of my eyes. Right in front of my fucking eyes. And now these eyes have forgotten what his face looked like.
Every year for the past eight years I’ve remembered June 26th and 27th. Passionately I’ve remembered them. June 26th was the day he was born. June 27th was the day he died. They are dates that are written on my heart. Tattooed on my soul.
Tim and Nick know. We cheated death on those days. We drank A&W cream soda and ran across a busy highway and we poured a little out for him. Every year I’ve drank A&W cream soda on those days and tried to feel his presence. And sometimes I did. (A&W cream soda was the last thing he ever drank. I still have the can.)
But the years take their toll. This year I forgot. The days just dripped by like they have been most of this year. Probably passed with a drink and a smile. I didn’t mean to forget, I just forgot. It just happened. Isn’t that forgivable? They were just days. They’re only dates on a calendar meant to represent the number of times the earth has revolved in this trip around the sun. Why the fuck should that be important?
But I didn’t just forget two days. I forgot someone. I forgot a person. I forgot Matt.
And Christ, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.
I know it’s kind of an emo-teenager thing to do, but I’m going to break one of my cardinal blogging rules, just this once, and post song lyrics.
"Return" Ok go
Now its years since your body went flat and even memories of that
are all think and dull, all gravel and glass. But who needs them now -- displaced they're easily more safe --the worst of it now: I can't remember your face.
Return.
For a while, with the vertigo cured, we were alive -- we were pure. The void took the shape of all that you were, but years take their toll,and things get bent into shape...Antiseptic and tired, I can't remember your face.
Return.
You were supposed to grow old. Reckless, unfrightened, and old, you were supposed to grow old.
Return. You were supposed to return.
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