In the next installment, Harry Potter questions his sexuality.

...as if it were ever in doubt. I hate to ruin the ending for all you Potter fans, but Harry turns gay and has sex with Ron Weasly which turns into a big gay three-way when Lord Voldemort joins in with the magical dildo of power!

Now I have at least one reason to like the new pope. Flimsy, I know, but it's better than nothing.

Fuck Harry Potter. Fuck that bitch J.K. Rowling for ever scribbling that trash down on paper. And fuck her right in the ass for turning it into a marketing whore.

I was introduced to Harry Potter in the Back to School section at Target--God only knows how long ago--when I saw his name emblazoned on everything from backpacks to bookmarks. And I thought to myself, "Who the fuck is Harry Potter?"

I wish that question would have gone unanswered.

Now I'm ashamed to say that I've seen two movies featuring that little bastard and even subjected myself to reading a couple chapters of the first book, just to say that I tried. I wish that I could stomach reading the entire five-book travesty just so I could counter people who say, "Well have you read the books?" As of now all I can honestly say is, "I tried but I got tired of fighting back the bile."

I have wet dreams in which Harry Potter is running around Midships (one of the Halo 2 multiplayer maps) and I'm chasing him with a shotgun. Just when he thinks he's managed to escape, he turns a corner and runs face first into an exploding barrel. Then his lifeless body is rocketed fifty yards backward while I giggle like a fucking school girl.