Senor Wells!'s poorly written biography
This is how I see Dave's RAship.
Dave stalks the halls in a too-tight vinyl jacket. He sees the world in gray, but the world doesn't see his eyes—he wears mirror shades. A rake handle drags from his hip, but this isn't what he used to dispense his brand of hallway justice. When he sees some poor sucker peddling pot at the water fountain or running to the bathroom or unicycling through the halls, Dave uses Black Betty.
Black Betty is heavy as hell, but that's okay. She's four Hummer batteries ducttaped together in a backpack. Wires run from Black Betty to Dave's rubber-gloved hand, where they turn bare and spark when they touch. "Hey!" Dave screams, confusing his prey. "Hey!" Then he crams Black Betty into their mouths and watches them twitch into submission.
Dave, you're a sick fuck.
I heard that one time RA Wells found a kiddy pool in the hallway, full of drunken freshmen. I don't know if this is true or not, but I hear that he calmly walked back into his room, plugged in a hair dryer, and tossed it it into the pool, then pissed on those freshman while they fried. But of course the current traveled up the stream of urine and he went to the hospital. And after that he was even madder.
There was also the time when that football player slipped the note under RA Wells's door—"$50,000 or your Mom gets it." Well, Dave called a house meeting. He set up that $50,000 in little bricks on a table, and then he said that the money wasn't for the kidnappers but for anyone who could bring him the kidnapper's heads.
Then there was the time RA Wells had to cooperate with an ex-felon to sneak into Alcatraz and defeat a bunch of terrorists. And the time his nemesis Biff stole the time-traveling microwave and fucked with the past.
But the worst story is the one where RA Wells found a cat in the girls' dorm. Dave thought it was a cat girl convention, naturally, but hwen he opened that door he saw AN ACTUAL CAT. "Cats aren't allowed in the residence halls!" he screamed, and grabbed that cat by the tail and proceeded to use it as a cudgel for the beating of the offenders.
This has gone on too long. I'm sorry.
Dave stalks the halls in a too-tight vinyl jacket. He sees the world in gray, but the world doesn't see his eyes—he wears mirror shades. A rake handle drags from his hip, but this isn't what he used to dispense his brand of hallway justice. When he sees some poor sucker peddling pot at the water fountain or running to the bathroom or unicycling through the halls, Dave uses Black Betty.
Black Betty is heavy as hell, but that's okay. She's four Hummer batteries ducttaped together in a backpack. Wires run from Black Betty to Dave's rubber-gloved hand, where they turn bare and spark when they touch. "Hey!" Dave screams, confusing his prey. "Hey!" Then he crams Black Betty into their mouths and watches them twitch into submission.
Dave, you're a sick fuck.
I heard that one time RA Wells found a kiddy pool in the hallway, full of drunken freshmen. I don't know if this is true or not, but I hear that he calmly walked back into his room, plugged in a hair dryer, and tossed it it into the pool, then pissed on those freshman while they fried. But of course the current traveled up the stream of urine and he went to the hospital. And after that he was even madder.
There was also the time when that football player slipped the note under RA Wells's door—"$50,000 or your Mom gets it." Well, Dave called a house meeting. He set up that $50,000 in little bricks on a table, and then he said that the money wasn't for the kidnappers but for anyone who could bring him the kidnapper's heads.
Then there was the time RA Wells had to cooperate with an ex-felon to sneak into Alcatraz and defeat a bunch of terrorists. And the time his nemesis Biff stole the time-traveling microwave and fucked with the past.
But the worst story is the one where RA Wells found a cat in the girls' dorm. Dave thought it was a cat girl convention, naturally, but hwen he opened that door he saw AN ACTUAL CAT. "Cats aren't allowed in the residence halls!" he screamed, and grabbed that cat by the tail and proceeded to use it as a cudgel for the beating of the offenders.
This has gone on too long. I'm sorry.
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