GERMAN GIRL: Tim you ahre reTahhdid!
(puff of smoke, lightinging)
THE TRUE STORY OF CHRISTMAS!!!
THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dinobones and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators when wakened by the searing grunts of children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year. For many were killed.
I'm not finished. YOU should have gotten a snack. A war-like race of elves from the Red Planet landed on the ice-encased Earth, and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa Ape to make his confused toys using galactic elfin technology. Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like "train," but these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid. Christmas still sucked, in a big way.
THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO the ice had made the globe invariable. Santa Ape did not know where the North Pole was. How could he? He was born before science existed. So he arbitrarily placed his workshop RIGHT HERE, long before they unionized, and Christmas was celebrated at each full Moon in front of a great red ape--Who unionized? Wouldn't YOU like to know? Probably your mama.
Santa Claus is an ape? WAS an ape. Now he is a MACHINE. Everyone back then was undeveloped and couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands. But the elves came from the Red Planet. There was much defecation.
...and THAT is where babies come from, from machines.
Damn. That took me entirely too damn long. I get to work like 70 hours now that Im stuck here for Xmas break (well..a week anyway) If anyone wants to pool funding for me to get wired to me and for me to make it home PLEASE do :D :D :D My roommate Karl is driving me bonkers. I cant live with that man. He doesnt wear a shirt.
...fuckers. Novo will get all this.
THE TRUE STORY OF CHRISTMAS!!!
THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dinobones and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators when wakened by the searing grunts of children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year. For many were killed.
I'm not finished. YOU should have gotten a snack. A war-like race of elves from the Red Planet landed on the ice-encased Earth, and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa Ape to make his confused toys using galactic elfin technology. Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like "train," but these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid. Christmas still sucked, in a big way.
THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO the ice had made the globe invariable. Santa Ape did not know where the North Pole was. How could he? He was born before science existed. So he arbitrarily placed his workshop RIGHT HERE, long before they unionized, and Christmas was celebrated at each full Moon in front of a great red ape--Who unionized? Wouldn't YOU like to know? Probably your mama.
Santa Claus is an ape? WAS an ape. Now he is a MACHINE. Everyone back then was undeveloped and couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands. But the elves came from the Red Planet. There was much defecation.
...and THAT is where babies come from, from machines.
Damn. That took me entirely too damn long. I get to work like 70 hours now that Im stuck here for Xmas break (well..a week anyway) If anyone wants to pool funding for me to get wired to me and for me to make it home PLEASE do :D :D :D My roommate Karl is driving me bonkers. I cant live with that man. He doesnt wear a shirt.
...fuckers. Novo will get all this.
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