I'm sort of a purist when it comes to the pub.
I have it on good authority that The Lift (a downtown bar frequented by Heather and Alyssa) is unofficially sponsoring a knitting night. Let me say that one more time, for those of you who are in a state of disbelief: A downtown bar is sponsoring a KNITTING NIGHT!!
No offence to Heather and her pastime of choice, but that is completely unacceptable and I plan to protest.
The first time I witnessed Heather knitting at a bar I thought, “Aww, that’s kind of funny and cute.” Each subsequent occasion of her knitting in the bar I felt more and more like, “There is something very wrong with this picture.” And there was, indeed, something very wrong with it. It was sacrilegious. I could walk into the bar and piss all over the counter then break a barstool over some dude’s head (not an altogether unlikely scenario) and I would not have soiled the sanctity of the bar half as badly as she did with her knitting needles and yarn.
I’m a pub purist, you might say. On a lot of issues I’d like to think I’m a progressive, forward-thinking sort of fellow. Not on this one. I take my drinking, furniture breaking and urinating very seriously.
When the Irish, in their infinite wisdom, decided to invent the Pub they had some very specific uses in mind. The Pub (which is short for Public House) was invented because the Irish had the same problem a lot of us have had; we invite people over to drink and they end up destroying the place. After waking to countless mornings in a pile of broken furniture and urine they built a public house where everyone could go to drink and be merry and break furniture and piss on everything and still go home to a house with no broken furniture and piss.
As the Guinness guys would say: BRILLIANT!
Now, that didn’t mean that all they did in the pub was drink, piss and break furniture. Heaven’s no. There were all kinds of other activities they deemed suitable for the public house. Activities such as singing, dancing, playing music, socializing, flirting with members of the opposite sex, and fighting were all enjoyed at the pub. These activities really complemented one another well. If you were drinking you would want some entertainment so someone should play music. If someone were playing music then that would probably lead to dancing. If there were women in the pub (which there usually were) then the drinking and dancing would lead to socializing and flirting. If there was flirting, then there was bound to be competition for the prettiest Irish lasses, which would lead to fighting. Then the fighting led to the broken furniture and urine and all the rest.
It’s a perfect system and drunks around the world have enjoyed it for centuries. We’re talking hundreds of years of broken furniture and urine. (You’ll notice I didn’t include knitting little fucking booties out of yarn anywhere in that list.)
Of course, even a perfect system could be improved upon, I’ll admit. Such inventions as billiards and darts lent themselves well to the pub scene. They fit in naturally, so even the purists accepted them with open arms. Pool cues and darts make for really handy weapons in bar fights too!
While knitting needles could also be useful in bar fights and I do love those hand-knitted beanies, knitting should never EVER take place in a bar. Knitting is a boring activity where old women take two sticks and a ball of yarn and conjure a damn sweater. That sort of octogenarian voodoo magic has no place in a bar. And really, neither do the old women who practice it. Old women don’t like to drink, dance, fight, break furniture, urinate or do anything else typically associated with the pub. A whole gaggle of knitters could get together at someone’s house and they would never end up passed out in a pile of broken furniture and urine. (Unless they had a cat issue, which some old ladies do. And if one of the cats became rabid, well...maybe the pile of broken furniture and urine then...maybe!)
So ladies, keep the pub pure, and keep the damn knitting at home.
Don’t make me have to piss on your yarn!
No offence to Heather and her pastime of choice, but that is completely unacceptable and I plan to protest.
The first time I witnessed Heather knitting at a bar I thought, “Aww, that’s kind of funny and cute.” Each subsequent occasion of her knitting in the bar I felt more and more like, “There is something very wrong with this picture.” And there was, indeed, something very wrong with it. It was sacrilegious. I could walk into the bar and piss all over the counter then break a barstool over some dude’s head (not an altogether unlikely scenario) and I would not have soiled the sanctity of the bar half as badly as she did with her knitting needles and yarn.
I’m a pub purist, you might say. On a lot of issues I’d like to think I’m a progressive, forward-thinking sort of fellow. Not on this one. I take my drinking, furniture breaking and urinating very seriously.
When the Irish, in their infinite wisdom, decided to invent the Pub they had some very specific uses in mind. The Pub (which is short for Public House) was invented because the Irish had the same problem a lot of us have had; we invite people over to drink and they end up destroying the place. After waking to countless mornings in a pile of broken furniture and urine they built a public house where everyone could go to drink and be merry and break furniture and piss on everything and still go home to a house with no broken furniture and piss.
As the Guinness guys would say: BRILLIANT!
Now, that didn’t mean that all they did in the pub was drink, piss and break furniture. Heaven’s no. There were all kinds of other activities they deemed suitable for the public house. Activities such as singing, dancing, playing music, socializing, flirting with members of the opposite sex, and fighting were all enjoyed at the pub. These activities really complemented one another well. If you were drinking you would want some entertainment so someone should play music. If someone were playing music then that would probably lead to dancing. If there were women in the pub (which there usually were) then the drinking and dancing would lead to socializing and flirting. If there was flirting, then there was bound to be competition for the prettiest Irish lasses, which would lead to fighting. Then the fighting led to the broken furniture and urine and all the rest.
It’s a perfect system and drunks around the world have enjoyed it for centuries. We’re talking hundreds of years of broken furniture and urine. (You’ll notice I didn’t include knitting little fucking booties out of yarn anywhere in that list.)
Of course, even a perfect system could be improved upon, I’ll admit. Such inventions as billiards and darts lent themselves well to the pub scene. They fit in naturally, so even the purists accepted them with open arms. Pool cues and darts make for really handy weapons in bar fights too!
While knitting needles could also be useful in bar fights and I do love those hand-knitted beanies, knitting should never EVER take place in a bar. Knitting is a boring activity where old women take two sticks and a ball of yarn and conjure a damn sweater. That sort of octogenarian voodoo magic has no place in a bar. And really, neither do the old women who practice it. Old women don’t like to drink, dance, fight, break furniture, urinate or do anything else typically associated with the pub. A whole gaggle of knitters could get together at someone’s house and they would never end up passed out in a pile of broken furniture and urine. (Unless they had a cat issue, which some old ladies do. And if one of the cats became rabid, well...maybe the pile of broken furniture and urine then...maybe!)
So ladies, keep the pub pure, and keep the damn knitting at home.
Don’t make me have to piss on your yarn!
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