sleep depravation and apartment extortionists
I may be hallucinating, so if this post gets a little wonky tonky weird on you, you’ve been warned.
I’m not hallucinating because I’ve been imbibing drugs. Oh no, I’m hallucinating because I only got four hours of sleep last night and because I’m insane with rage and frustration.
We’ll start with my sleep depravation.
I was really tired at midnight last night. Balls tired! I’ve been going to bed early lately, not because I want to, but because my brain has been shutting down early. I don’t mind it--it means I get up earlier and get to work earlier and get to the gym earlier and get home earlier and start drinking earlier and go to bed earlier. It’s a wonderful cycle I’ve started.
My wonderful new cycle was ended by a damned woman.
A blonde, not a redhead, which is the truly evil part of this story.
She coaxed me into keeping my little goat eyelids open for an hour longer than I wanted and then she made out with me for a while, during which I lost all concept of time, so I’m not sure when the making out ended and the sleeping began.
Then, as if that weren’t bad enough, I woke up at six (FUCKING SIX!) to a host of luscious female body parts strewn about my bed. I just couldn’t resist the temptation to stay awake for a bit and enjoy them.
From six to seven-fifteen I lapsed in and out of consciousness. I even had dreams about trying to go to sleep and trying to make coffee to help wake myself up.
WEIRD!
On to the rage and frustration.
Some robotic old woman behind the desk in my apartment office told me that there is a state law mandating that renters give 30 days notice before they’re allowed to leave. And, since I didn’t sign this notice by the first of the month, I have to pay for all of January. It doesn’t matter that my lease was only through the end of December, and it doesn’t matter that I signed the oh-so-fucking-important 30-day notice on the 5th (thus making thirty days January 4th) no, I have to pay for all of January. ALL OF IT! It’s state law...state law...state law...
State law my raw red ass! I will wipe my ass with that state law, if it exists.
I really need to get in the apartment-owning business. All the laws and leases are written to fuck the renter out of the maximum amount of money. First, you have to sign a six or twelve month lease, with no option to bail out. Oh, you can try to bail, but you’ll still end up paying rent for the rest of the term of your lease, because you can be damn sure the apartment people aren’t going to try to lease it out to someone else. Why would they? They have your money to bathe themselves in.
So you’re stuck for the term of your lease.
And then, just when you think you are finally free, they throw the 30-day-monkey-shit clause in your face and pleasantly ask you to pony up an extra months rent.
“But I signed a lease through December, shouldn’t you have assumed I was going to be leaving when my lease was up?”
“State Law, State Law, State Law, State Law.”
“How can that be state law? Does the state require you to send them my fucking 30-day notice? How will they know if I signed it on the 1st or the 5th, what difference does it make? Just let me FUCKING LEAVE!”
“State Law, State Law State Law, State Law.”
If only I were a bitchy fat woman, then I could surely persuade her to see it my way.
Bitchy fat women always huff and puff and annoy their opponents into submission.
Instead, I am a courteous short man who doesn’t want to offend some robotic old lady, and all I can muster is, “Well that’s....special.”
I’m not hallucinating because I’ve been imbibing drugs. Oh no, I’m hallucinating because I only got four hours of sleep last night and because I’m insane with rage and frustration.
We’ll start with my sleep depravation.
I was really tired at midnight last night. Balls tired! I’ve been going to bed early lately, not because I want to, but because my brain has been shutting down early. I don’t mind it--it means I get up earlier and get to work earlier and get to the gym earlier and get home earlier and start drinking earlier and go to bed earlier. It’s a wonderful cycle I’ve started.
My wonderful new cycle was ended by a damned woman.
A blonde, not a redhead, which is the truly evil part of this story.
She coaxed me into keeping my little goat eyelids open for an hour longer than I wanted and then she made out with me for a while, during which I lost all concept of time, so I’m not sure when the making out ended and the sleeping began.
Then, as if that weren’t bad enough, I woke up at six (FUCKING SIX!) to a host of luscious female body parts strewn about my bed. I just couldn’t resist the temptation to stay awake for a bit and enjoy them.
From six to seven-fifteen I lapsed in and out of consciousness. I even had dreams about trying to go to sleep and trying to make coffee to help wake myself up.
WEIRD!
On to the rage and frustration.
Some robotic old woman behind the desk in my apartment office told me that there is a state law mandating that renters give 30 days notice before they’re allowed to leave. And, since I didn’t sign this notice by the first of the month, I have to pay for all of January. It doesn’t matter that my lease was only through the end of December, and it doesn’t matter that I signed the oh-so-fucking-important 30-day notice on the 5th (thus making thirty days January 4th) no, I have to pay for all of January. ALL OF IT! It’s state law...state law...state law...
State law my raw red ass! I will wipe my ass with that state law, if it exists.
I really need to get in the apartment-owning business. All the laws and leases are written to fuck the renter out of the maximum amount of money. First, you have to sign a six or twelve month lease, with no option to bail out. Oh, you can try to bail, but you’ll still end up paying rent for the rest of the term of your lease, because you can be damn sure the apartment people aren’t going to try to lease it out to someone else. Why would they? They have your money to bathe themselves in.
So you’re stuck for the term of your lease.
And then, just when you think you are finally free, they throw the 30-day-monkey-shit clause in your face and pleasantly ask you to pony up an extra months rent.
“But I signed a lease through December, shouldn’t you have assumed I was going to be leaving when my lease was up?”
“State Law, State Law, State Law, State Law.”
“How can that be state law? Does the state require you to send them my fucking 30-day notice? How will they know if I signed it on the 1st or the 5th, what difference does it make? Just let me FUCKING LEAVE!”
“State Law, State Law State Law, State Law.”
If only I were a bitchy fat woman, then I could surely persuade her to see it my way.
Bitchy fat women always huff and puff and annoy their opponents into submission.
Instead, I am a courteous short man who doesn’t want to offend some robotic old lady, and all I can muster is, “Well that’s....special.”
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