Why I Will Never Go to FUCKING Grad School
Here is an email conversation I've been having with a grad school secretary from the U. of Michigan's English Department:
I'll soon be applying for admission to the Creative Writing MFA program,
but I'm having some problems with my letters of recommendation. Although
three of my past professors enthusiastically agreed to recommend me to
graduate college, only one has actually sent my letters. One other lost
my packet of envelopes and cover sheets at a funeral a bit more than a
month ago and didn't inform me until I wrote last week to check up yet
again, and the third professor has stopped returning my emails and
calls.
Is there any point in still applying, assuming I'm unable to get hold of
any more letters? I'm doing everything within my power to secure these
letters, but if I don't receive them all I'd like to apply anyway. I've
already paid the application fee for Michigan (and several other
schools), in addition to GRE fees and transcript fees, and would hate to
lose so many hundred dollars for nothing. Also, I really, really want to
go to grad school.
I'm thinking of including my records of correspondence, dating back to
early October, when these prospective writers assured me that they would
recommend me, that they could do so with enthusiasm, etc.
What do you think?
To which she replied:
Dear Tim,
You do need 3 letters of recommendation to complete your application.
If you applied online, you can register your recommenders and they can
do the letter online, this may be more convenient to the one professor
you were referring to.
Beth
To which I replied:
I can't believe the department will entirely discount my application because my professors blew me off. It's disheartening to know that my entire future has been altered because people who promised to send me a letter can't fulfill the obligation. I'll be paying off the collective application fees and GRE fees and postage fees and transcript fees to all these schools for the next few months.
The one professor will have none of the online application.
If I can't get these rounded up, I'm going to mail my supplemental materials in anyway, and one of your interns can scrap it then. I've already wasted hundreds of dollars, so the postage won't hurt very much at all.
So now: BALLS! I have no idea what to do. Start touring the country in a van, peddling weed. Or maybe I could go from school to school delivering devastating fear-fueled lectures on the evils of alcohol. This is what YOU can do: you can write my letter of recommendation. One paragraph, I don't care what it says. Andy: this is your assignment: fire off a paragraph within the next couple days about how fucking COOL i am, seal it in an envelope, sign the back flap, and hand it to me. I don't care what it says or if you're wasted when you write it or if you sign it in virgins' blood; maybe if I just have something to count as my 2nd (and sarah: 3rd?) letter it'll be just square enough to get my supplemental materials in to the decision committee, who will be BLOWN AWAY by my breathless prose.
I'll soon be applying for admission to the Creative Writing MFA program,
but I'm having some problems with my letters of recommendation. Although
three of my past professors enthusiastically agreed to recommend me to
graduate college, only one has actually sent my letters. One other lost
my packet of envelopes and cover sheets at a funeral a bit more than a
month ago and didn't inform me until I wrote last week to check up yet
again, and the third professor has stopped returning my emails and
calls.
Is there any point in still applying, assuming I'm unable to get hold of
any more letters? I'm doing everything within my power to secure these
letters, but if I don't receive them all I'd like to apply anyway. I've
already paid the application fee for Michigan (and several other
schools), in addition to GRE fees and transcript fees, and would hate to
lose so many hundred dollars for nothing. Also, I really, really want to
go to grad school.
I'm thinking of including my records of correspondence, dating back to
early October, when these prospective writers assured me that they would
recommend me, that they could do so with enthusiasm, etc.
What do you think?
To which she replied:
Dear Tim,
You do need 3 letters of recommendation to complete your application.
If you applied online, you can register your recommenders and they can
do the letter online, this may be more convenient to the one professor
you were referring to.
Beth
To which I replied:
I can't believe the department will entirely discount my application because my professors blew me off. It's disheartening to know that my entire future has been altered because people who promised to send me a letter can't fulfill the obligation. I'll be paying off the collective application fees and GRE fees and postage fees and transcript fees to all these schools for the next few months.
The one professor will have none of the online application.
If I can't get these rounded up, I'm going to mail my supplemental materials in anyway, and one of your interns can scrap it then. I've already wasted hundreds of dollars, so the postage won't hurt very much at all.
So now: BALLS! I have no idea what to do. Start touring the country in a van, peddling weed. Or maybe I could go from school to school delivering devastating fear-fueled lectures on the evils of alcohol. This is what YOU can do: you can write my letter of recommendation. One paragraph, I don't care what it says. Andy: this is your assignment: fire off a paragraph within the next couple days about how fucking COOL i am, seal it in an envelope, sign the back flap, and hand it to me. I don't care what it says or if you're wasted when you write it or if you sign it in virgins' blood; maybe if I just have something to count as my 2nd (and sarah: 3rd?) letter it'll be just square enough to get my supplemental materials in to the decision committee, who will be BLOWN AWAY by my breathless prose.
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