I'd rather be rich than stupid

In college, I saw this on a bulletin board, and for some reason thought it was the funniest thing written, ever (it's from SNL, like these, which I just found):

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said: Dust to dust, some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others: I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun.

and there's

I'd have to say that my favorite uncle was Uncle Caveman. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and occasionally he'd eat one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.

and for Dave:

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

And also for Wells, I don't know why--but it reminds me of him:

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly, it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, hmmm, boy.