How to get a laptop in three easy steps
Yeah, that HP laptop wasn’t easy to acquire. I suppose I could have just bought one like most people, but that would have been too easy, and expensive. Instead, I planned an elaborate diversion in order to create an opportunity to abscond with it without the Best Buy “Geek Squad” thugs catching me.
STEP ONE: Find a big political controversy.
It started with the controversial Carter vs. the State of Iowa case that was being heard by the Iowa Supreme Court. Maybe none of you have heard of it (probably not, since I just made it up) but this was a case surrounded by heated debate and high emotions. It involved a black woman who had been oppressed by the white devils of Council Bluffs and had been beaten into a coma. All of the crackers in Council Bluffs wanted to pull the plug on her, claiming she was brain-dead. The NAACP stepped in and tried to fight the initial rulings of the court, citing the fact that she wet herself every time a white person entered her room. They claimed that her soiling herself in reaction to a white face was proof that she was partially aware.
The big difficulty in this case was that her husband was white, and therefore had the option to pull the plug or keep her alive. After he received an incredible amount of money in reparations for her tragedy, he decided it was hopeless, found another woman, fathered three children and fought hard to end the life of his wife.
Since he was obviously acting in her best wishes, multiple courts sided with him. It was only the NAACP’s stubborn lobbying that kept her alive for the six years.
Finally, the case came before the Iowa Supreme Court and they too sided with the husband. Here’s where I saw my chance.
STEP TWO: Gather a group of very pissed-off individuals.
I positioned petitioners outside of a local Best Buy store where I knew a busload of rich white people would soon be passing by. I also lured a group of Christian Conservatives and Gay Rights Activists there by claiming that an illegal gay marriage was going to take place in the Best Buy parking lot at 2:00.
STEP THREE: Preheat oven at 400 degrees, bake for twenty minutes.
My plan fell together perfectly. It was like a political activist Battle Royal! Cars were overturned, the police showed up, teargas was shot into the crowd, firemen arrived spraying water all over the place. It was political pandemonium.
When the first two police cruisers burst into flames I knew the moment had arrived. I had been waiting patiently near the video game section pretending to be browsing xbox titles. When I saw my chance, I dashed over to the laptops, hoisted the first HP box that caught my eye, and made a run for the door.
It wasn’t easy. I had to bob and weave through entangled masses of bodies, leap over attack dogs and duck a few fists. Finally, I emerged with the HP. It had been a brilliant plan. Well thought out and well executed.
I would suggest you try something similar.
STEP ONE: Find a big political controversy.
It started with the controversial Carter vs. the State of Iowa case that was being heard by the Iowa Supreme Court. Maybe none of you have heard of it (probably not, since I just made it up) but this was a case surrounded by heated debate and high emotions. It involved a black woman who had been oppressed by the white devils of Council Bluffs and had been beaten into a coma. All of the crackers in Council Bluffs wanted to pull the plug on her, claiming she was brain-dead. The NAACP stepped in and tried to fight the initial rulings of the court, citing the fact that she wet herself every time a white person entered her room. They claimed that her soiling herself in reaction to a white face was proof that she was partially aware.
The big difficulty in this case was that her husband was white, and therefore had the option to pull the plug or keep her alive. After he received an incredible amount of money in reparations for her tragedy, he decided it was hopeless, found another woman, fathered three children and fought hard to end the life of his wife.
Since he was obviously acting in her best wishes, multiple courts sided with him. It was only the NAACP’s stubborn lobbying that kept her alive for the six years.
Finally, the case came before the Iowa Supreme Court and they too sided with the husband. Here’s where I saw my chance.
STEP TWO: Gather a group of very pissed-off individuals.
I positioned petitioners outside of a local Best Buy store where I knew a busload of rich white people would soon be passing by. I also lured a group of Christian Conservatives and Gay Rights Activists there by claiming that an illegal gay marriage was going to take place in the Best Buy parking lot at 2:00.
STEP THREE: Preheat oven at 400 degrees, bake for twenty minutes.
My plan fell together perfectly. It was like a political activist Battle Royal! Cars were overturned, the police showed up, teargas was shot into the crowd, firemen arrived spraying water all over the place. It was political pandemonium.
When the first two police cruisers burst into flames I knew the moment had arrived. I had been waiting patiently near the video game section pretending to be browsing xbox titles. When I saw my chance, I dashed over to the laptops, hoisted the first HP box that caught my eye, and made a run for the door.
It wasn’t easy. I had to bob and weave through entangled masses of bodies, leap over attack dogs and duck a few fists. Finally, I emerged with the HP. It had been a brilliant plan. Well thought out and well executed.
I would suggest you try something similar.
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