Need: One flamethrower, to thwart evil elven world-domination plot.

My toes have turned the shade of plums. My car looks like it took a trip in the abominable snowmans rectum. Theres only a half a bottle of whiskey left and I'm running out of grapefruit.

Please mail me a flamethrower ASAP. I must stop the relentless horde of tiny, white, elven paratroopers. They seem to be weak against all forms of heat, but there are freaking BILLIONS of the little bastards.

Right now they are concentrating their attacks on all forms of land-based transportation. I attempted to drive to Des Moines and travel was nearly impossible. I got about halway there when I came upon a seven car pileup. The elves had caused the vehicles to collide into one another!

I feel that our only chance to stop them is to send out flame-troops and drop napalm from above. That should melt any hopes those little pricks might have for taking over the world! But we must act quickly. As we speak, legions of them are pileing up outside my door! They may be small, but they are at least a foot deep. When you come in direct contact with them they attempt to freeze your skin! Sneaky little fucks! They look so innocent, but don't be fooled! They are vicious!