I knew it was illegal. I did it anyway. I'm a fucking criminal, man!

I'm feeling very asshole-ariffic today. I was already in a sour mood and I come in this morning to find that my assistant is not here and will not be here all morning. Why? Because her ex-roommate's son is in the hospital. Why does that require her to not be here? Probably because she's really just hungover and doesn't want to come in--the worthless bitch!

For the unlucky few who were not at the bar with us last night, I haven't been getting along with my assistant lately. She refuses to do what I tell her to and when I finally decided to get tough with her she stopped talking to me. She is a worthless, lazy, drug-addicted skank and I'm seriously considering recommending her termination to my manager. I'm not sure that would do me much good though, because the only reason she got the job in the first place is because her mom and her sister both work here and they know my manager fairly well.

My manager didn't realize that, while her mother and sister are bright, educated, productive members of society, Stefanie is none of the above. Her sister got all the good genetic material, Stef got all the leftovers.

And if that isn't enough to piss me off, then I find out that Jack Osbourne is a Muay Thai Boxer.

That's right, that pudgy, afro-having, alcoholic son of Ozzy's had his first professional Muay Thai match. He fought a veteran professional Muay Thai boxer from Thailand...and won! In fact, he knocked the guy out in the first eight seconds of the second round!

A veteran! And Jack-ass has only been training for THREE WEEKS! I heard on the radio that he's been training at some really prestigious Muay Thai school in Thailand, but still, it's fucking Jack Osbourne!!! Didn't he just get out of rehab?

The guy on the radio mentioned that the training involves "colonic irrigations" which I guess means he gets a garden hose shoved up his ass and turned on high. How that benefits his abilities as a Muay Thai fighter, I have no idea. I would guess it just pisses him off bad enough to beat the shit out of someone.

Whatever he did, it must have worked, because the guy he beat is no pushover. I guess his nickname is "The Man." And I just can't fucking believe it. I'm hoping there is some detail that the media is leaving out. Like "The Man" is actually a woman who got nicknamed "the man" because she looks like a guy. Or maybe "The Man" is a ten-year-old boy, or he only has one leg or something that makes sense! Cause Jack Osbourne, that pudgy little English bitch, beating down a professional Thai boxer, does not make fucking sense!

Good news for Ryan though: I might have been wrong last night. When you said you thought that you'll be in as good as shape as me in a month, and I basically laughed at you for being hopelessly optimisitc; I might have been wrong. There might be hope after all. But you're going to have to start sticking a garden hose up your ass.

Oh, and while we're on the subject of rectal breeching; Tim, are we meeting for lunch today?

Wes, sorry, but I don't think anyone is coming to Grinnell this weekend. They are all selfish, Cake-loving bastards who bailed when they found out there would be no cake for them. But I want you to know that I still love you and there might be a bottle of Gold Label in your near future. So cheer up. When are you done with school, anyway?

Last night I was wearing a trucker cap that said "Jesus" on it and I was getting a lot of weird looks from the barfolk. So I was wondering what kind of looks that hat might get in a gay bar. Which led me on an internet search last night to find a hat or t-shirt that said something like, "I'm Catholic and I hate fags." Cause, you know, that would be some funny shit.