If Today is not Actually Morgan's Birthday, I Will Look like a Jackass

Is this . . . Morgan's birthday?!?! If so, happy birthday. This was the birthday present I visualized for you:

You step out of your house, on your way to Burger King to buy a celebratory Hershey's Chocolate pie. The air is fresh, if hot, and you feel fresh too, because today your year starts over again. You breathe, exhale, and then the sound of your respiration is cut off by the squeal of bigass tires. A shadowy Humvee, painted in urban camo, tears ass down Ovid in your direction. You see barrels pointing out the windows, out the sun roof. The barrels are shiny red and shiny green and shiny, splattered blue. Goathead is on the roof, two guns in hand. The Hummer slams to a stop, accidentally rear ends your car, and Andy is tossed headlong down the road, where he will land on the people who egg your home. And then the rest of us in the Hummer will pepper you with merry birthday paintballs.