Burrito of the Elves

These are the police reports I think we should do:

Mailbox hitting (kickboxing the mailbox?)
Shooting darts (zulu blowdart action)
hitting car with bikes
reservoir fishing? I dunno. this one would be subtle, and involve some devious fishing
person concerned about west nile virus
baby raccoon?
dog disrupting a yard sale
the tickling rape couple…maybe. I dunno.
the burnt toast fire
the trash riflers leaving a big mess? this isn't that funny, but we could confetti the audience or something

And whatever else you guys think. Since the boundless hilarity of each one is pretty much entirely up to Andy and Dave, you guys will have final say in these.

. . .

Remember our middle school teacher, Mr. Kennedy? What was his first name? I want to hunt him down like the locker room molesting bastard he is. I'm gonna go all Sleepers on his ass.

. . .

When my assistant got to work today there was a burrito on her desk. "What's this?" she said, but it was obvious, because McDonald's doesn't sell that many food items that look like a wrapped up severed penis. She refused to believe I didn't leave it there.

"Want half?" she said.

"No!" I said.

"Why? You think it's terrorist poisoned?"

"You're gonna eat some burrito that was left on your desk by the freaking elves?"

In the end, I took a bite of the mystery burrito. It was cold and disgusting.

And if you can't get enough of found food, check this out.