Sometimes I fill the bathtub with mascara. And I soak.

Today I had to conduct research for a client who wants to be an artist in Des Moines. One of his goals was to have an art school in his home, for kids. Why is he in Vocational Rehab, you ask? Partially because of a conviction for committing lascivious acts with a child.

Know how some people get drunk and look up porn? I get drunk and look up pictures of Agent Smith. What the hell does that mean...?

Legal advice:

7 months ago I went to pearle vision after my glasses got crushed. my new specs were all jacked up...they let me see better but still blurry. So I had this suspicion that my $250 pair of glasses was jacked up. Anyway, today I went to a different glasses shop and the optometrist was like "Damn, Willis! These glasses are way overpowered for you, beyatch! What fat fool prescribed this wacky shiznit to your ass?" Which was no surprise at all, so I bought new glasses. But I feel like...I completely wasted 2 1/2 hundred on the first pair. Actually, I don't feel like I wasted it...I did waste it. Should I do something?

I would say maybe my prescrip changed in the past 7 months, but it got better instead of worse. From 1.75 and 1.25 to 1.25 and 1.

Anyway.

Another fun story is that the guy at the glasses shop rang me up and said "That's two hundred forty-eight."

So I handed him three big fat bills. And he returned with $99.52.

"I thought they were $250," I said.

"By two hundred forty-eight," he said, "I meant $200.48." He really said that.

So I gave him a dollar and took back my hundred.