Teen Dream

Even more paperwork before Sarah and I can achieve our teen dream: the adoption agency has asked us to draft a proposed hobby and interest list for potential teenagers to consider before they sign on to live with us. The agent said this was the fun part, but it’s actually quite stressful, because the teens are going to look at whatever we put together and ask themselves if they can really live with these hobbies and interests for the next . . . well, for the rest of their lives, basically, if they become our children.

The agency sent a sheet of hobbies and interests clustered into three groups and we get to do a 2/2/1 selection or 3/1/1 or 3/2/0 or, warned against, a 0/1/2.

1
British television
Fantasy literature
Drug culture
Conspiracy theories
Professional wrestling
Retro video games
Genealogy
Cinema (mainstream)
Dogs or cats
 
2
Skiing
Body building
Modern video games
Internet comment threads and discussion boards
Sport (1-2 sports)
Rock climbing
Cooking
 
3
Writing
Arting
Software development
Cinema (art house)
Automobile repair
Amateur magic
Sport (3 or more sports)
Religion

Sponsorship options for our teenager

So today I borrowed Sarah’s car and drove downtown over lunch. I got kind of lost because I was looking for playground equipment or school buses but the teenager adoption agency is its own little mess, entirely separate from the child-children orphanages. The building looked like any office building, so that I expected drab desks and paperwork inside, but upstairs a nice lady quickly greeted me outside the elevator and toured me through two floors of teenagers. The teenagers were on their lunch period, idling in hallways and clustering outside bathrooms. They all looked great! Teenagers!

Sarah and I both have full-time jobs, so the approval process was pretty quick. I had to let a middle-aged man roll my fingers through ink and then ask if I understood like 12 pages of legal material. The last step is paying the adoption fee which is, okay, a little daunting. To help chip down the cost, I’m selling sponsorships.

For $10: Our teenager will wear a logo, your name, or anything else on a t-shirt one day a month until the age of 18.

For $25: Our teenager will wear a logo, your name, or anything else on a t-shirt one day a week until the age of 18.

For $50: Our teenager will wear a logo, your name, or anything else on a t-shirt three days a week until the age of 18.

For $100: Our teenager will occasionally blog about any projects you are working on or endorse.

For $500: Our teenager will enthusiastically champion your projects or projects you endorse among his or her peer group.

For $1000: Our teenager will spend a considerable amount of his or her free time championing your projects or projects you endorse.

For $1750: Our teenager will spend a considerable amount of his or her free time championing your projects or projects you endorse and will be rechristened with a first name of your choosing.

Let me know soon if any of these sound good! We’re hoping to get a teenager in the apartment by this weekend.

We are adopting a teenager

I’m writing to let you all know that Sarah and I have made a massive step forward in our relationship: we are going to adopt a teenager. Sarah's got a good job now and we will soon have an apartment with a second bedroom. I considered saving for a wedding or maybe picking up a PS 3 for the spare room but then today as I transferred buses downtown I saw the sign on the side of the number 16: You can adopt a teenager! Sullen teenagers stared at me and I knew the path forward.

If any of you want in, we can split the teenager or there might be a discount for bringing a friend.