Thursday, March 30, 2006
HeyImadeyousomecurryasIfelloutofthistreeooolookthecircusisintowngottogobyebye!
So I was talking to Dana (yes, michigan dana) and we got onto how we'd be serial killers. Then I remembered what Foster had told us about his idea for serial killing:

I'd leave a Chuckles candy under their tongue as my calling card. That way, they'd die with a lil Chuckle.

~Matt Foster

Thats just so effed up. I would do the same, too. I would even go as far as changing the vending machines in the police station of the people on my case to carry Chuckles so everytime they would feast on DingDongs or M&Ms they would see the Chuckles and curse in vein as I taunted them from juuuust outside their reach.

Good god, Im fucked up.
Bunny can make a pawn and a horse out of paper
THIS POST IS A RACE AGAINST TIME. The battery's low and all these fucking outlets in the living room are too ornate to accept my charger. They're like sophisticated east coast women who are too good for a horny trucker.

Bunny is really, really drunk right now. Goathead is really, really sad. I am really, really sober--can you believe it? Amazing.

Dave, thanks for the faith, brotha. Although Amish IS a rapist, Bil DOES kill kittens, and I'm a pirate.

I am getting some really great spam lately. Here are some samples:

cock's feather. The barman crossed himself. At that moment the beret gave a miaou and changed into a black kitten. It jumped on to Andrei Fokich's head and dug its claws into his bald patch. Letting out a shriek of despair, the wretched man hurled himself downstairs as the kitten jumped off his head and flashed back to No. 50.


Well, bees.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Napoleon DaveOpart Exiled to Denver Isle
think Im like Napoleon. No, not a short lil frechie. Im talkin bout the exiled Napoleon. The romanticized Napoleon. Leader of the largest French land gobbling and shot down at the top of his career to a life stuck in a small house on an island miles away from home. The only truths I get are through sporatic letters from the homeland through very improper sources.

So far Ive heard (from one source) the following:

Tim is a rapist
Andy has had herpes for 8 years
Ryan is a raging abusive alcoholic
Amish is a pseudo rapist
Kevin has fidelity issues
Kellynn is an evil gossiper
Sarah is a lady of the night with vitamin c deficiencies
Bil kills kittens. (not really)

I DONT BELIEVE ANY OF THIS HORSE SHIT. (Whore's hit)I can keep going with the information too. But anyway, I dont want to hear this anymore. You all are my friends. I know all these things are ABSOLUTELY FALSE. In the past, my loyalties have been very, very loose. But when it comes down to it, you all are my family. Non-blood family, that is. Despite what I may say, I will be on your sides through the end. We all have our downfalls, yes. But i dont need someone constantly bombarding me with this propoganda to hate you all.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Know your Cosplays
PROPER COSPLAY


HOT COSPLAYS.



But like everything else in life...fatties have to ruin it.



VOMITUS COSPLAY.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Pink Eye pt 2
Wrestlemania
My first post about wrasslin' and it only took me like 2 weeks of having acess to the blog. This Sunday is Wrestlemania 22 and I would like to watch it preferably with some company so my questions are:

1) Is anybody interested in getting piss drunk and watching what is normally the wraslin' event of the year.

2)Would you rather watch it from my pad or billy joes which would entail probably showing up pretty early since it will be packed most likely.

The show starts at six and I think will be pretty decent this year. Comments
Pink Eye
So I may have pink eye how fucking lame pink fucking eye, my eye is fucking pink, yup pink eye fucking wow the last one sounds like a sick fetish perhaps the fetish that lead to my pink eye. Also my brothers baby should be bursting out of it's egg today I'm so glad that i'm going to kidnap it and bring it to them in a stork costume.
...
Is there a reason no one is posting?

I have nothing interesting to put up here, either.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Ozzfest
If anybody is interested in going to ozzfest let me know disturbed, hatbree, lacuna coil will be there and my reason for going is System headlining the whole shabangabang.

since posting this a mere two minutes ago i now realize that tickets have already gone on sale and appear to be gone so fuck it, fuck it all
I play a mean jazz flute!


I really wish I could remember the events of St. Patrick's Day. Wierd ass shit, like this, has been coming to my attention all week. And a lot of it is photographic proof.

At times like this, I wish I were a blurry monster like Bigfoot.

---

OH! Have any of you mustered enough guster to go see V for Vendetta? It is balls. It is boss. It is so scene. Its likey Cyranno DeBurgergeoreis (fuck you Andy) and the Count of Monte Cristo did the fusion dance and fought against Rob Schneider, who took control of Zombie Reagan and his army of destructo Polar Bears while a bunch of pirates snowboard down Mt. Everest and try to fuck them all in the asses. Yes, its that cool. Go see it, and bring extra bottoms. I suggest 2 or 3.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Why do I read this crap? Why do I feel compelled to share it with all of you?
Chitchatting is basically the opposite of accomplishing anything...By the time they come home from work, they've used up their words.

Also, in case anybody's interested (I'm not), there's apparently a Halo 2 tournament at Hamilton College in a couple of weeks:

Friday, March 24, 2006


Hobo-Cruise vs. Mario & Toad (GO SEE IT!!!)
For the unemployed, or the bored, or the bored unemployed, or even the unemployed bored!
The Adventures of Fancy Pants!
(need Flash Player 8)
well, balls.
Meow meow meow.

GOOD LORD this has been the most f'ing stressful day of my life. Let me just bitch for a second--

1) Why are there not wireless headphones? Or at least cheap ones? Everytime I go anywhere with this busted rubber-banded electrical-taped ipod the phones get jerked out of my ears every ten minutes or my head gets yanked down and you can only imagine how many innocent elementary school students get gato punched for this.

2) Why is Booberry so delicious? I gorged myself this morning and then rode out this weird sugar-high-meets-diabetic-coma.

3) Sarah sent me on a mission to buy Bob Dylan tickets, so I walked the three minutes to the box office and encountered a snaking line of middle-aged housewives and paunchy men in suits. Some douche I'd encountered there before remarked that at this rate tickets would be gone in fifteen minutes, so I just dashed home and ticketmastered Sarah's. Wait, this wasn't that stressful.

4) Halo. Jesus Christ. That's all I have to say. Those damn 12 year-olds are lucky I don't have access to air transportation.

Well, blog. Well. Here we are. You're underposted and I'm sitting on the couch in our basement wearing hobo gloves and the weird funk of the unshowered and man I have got to piss. Piss!

For those of you in the Des Moines area: Josh is coming tonight, as are Wes and Amish. According to Kevin, the idea is to play cards, presumably at his place. Sarah and I made plans last night to go to dinner and hit a bar, but hopefully we can work something out where I can swing by, because when was the last time I saw Josh? Jesus. Jesus. It was aeons ago. I was still living in Ankeny. We ate at the Mile and played Carcassone. Yeah, that long ago.

And for Amish, if anyone who reads this talks to him: the lesbians next door had a young blonde visitor.

Now he'll probably show up in about 15 minutes.

Wellsy: too bad we won't see you. I'm getting to know what it's like being broke, since this morning I seriously had a debate with myself about whether or not I could afford a buck twenty five for transit on the bus to downtown. Were you gonna catch a ride with Rob? I should have my car back soon, so if you do make it back for easter for some reason, I can swing down to Ott. and pick you up for the train station or wherever it is you'd roll into Iowa.
That’s it! I’m just going to plunge a straightened paperclip through my eardrum. FOR GREAT JUSTICE!


Oh, Cavuto, you silly bastard. What a kidder you are!



Don’t let the question mark fool you; Fox (or Faux, if you prefer) News is insinuating that we are already at war with Iran. This, of course, is their way of softening up their audience so they won’t be surprised when the bombs start dropping.

If you’d like a couple of (banish the thought!) opposing viewpoints, here are a couple of interesting links:

U.S. Army Chief: Iran dispute ‘long way’ from military solution

Madeleine Albright: Bush’s worldview fails to see that in the Middle East, power politics is the key


BAH! Enough political flim-flam!

On to more important issues: ME! I have a medical condition that I know will baffle any doctor in Albia. Last weekend I got a cold and had a fluid buildup in my right ear. I could tell there was fluid in it by the pressure I felt and the way my hearing was muffled. Usually, such a condition leads to middle ear infection. However, middle ear infection is accompanied by such classic symptoms as fever and mild to severe earache. I have neither of those symptoms.

Now it has been nearly a week, I’ve experienced no symptoms concurrent with infection, my cold is pretty much gone and my fucking ear still feels like it has fluid in it! I want to go to the doctor, but I know they’ll just give me an antibiotic and send me home--the ignorant bastards!

I think the only solution is for me to perform Tympanocentesis on myself.
Galactic Speedos!

This would be about the time I would say "Im heading home later today. Ill be back in Albia tomorrow. Someone come get me!"

But it is not...

I am broke and I have to stay here for RA training. I prolly wont be home for Easter, either. Unless somehow you all collect cans and bottles and pay for a ticket for me home. Someone-Who-I-Wont-Say-For-Ex-Girlfriend-Liabilities Reasons said would drive me back (WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY FUCKED UP in many, many ways) but Im not putting faith in the abilities of Aluminum tycooning or insane exes.

So, Im pretty effed. In the A. I wish animated gifs would work, else youd all see the dancing prinny.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Just give me the light or I'm going to lay on this horn big time

Whenever there's retarded research needed!
Whenever a love story set in the Civil War needs to be rewritten!
Whenever one groweth a beard and dons fingerless gloves!
Whenever a thumb with an extra joint articulation is needed!
Flash the HoboTim Signal! And all will be safe! For Great Justice!!!

Note: the only time it can be seen is at night, so don't be suprised if he comes in rip roaring blitzed, seeing as how when the sun goes down so does the alcohol
Light the HoboTim signal! 
The blog has died without tim's posts. Where is the man that fills our lives with long random posts? 

I guess this means we all need to step up and fulfill our civic blogging duties and start posting more often. 

*salutes* I'll post more! 
Everybody Tuna Fish!
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
A bucket of ugly
Hey! I made a movie! Come see it!!!

Also: I have another "outing" this Friday *sqweeeeeee!*
Paul Penismite
I've been meaning to post a roundup of Amish nicknames for a week or so now, and right now seems like the perfect time:

Tiny (when Amish was Wes's manservant)
Goobrim
Poogoobrim
Paul Penismite

It's probably also worth remembering that Gwen once called Rominger Jackoffinger.

When I was still in college, one of my philosophy professors showed us a clip from Total Recall. It's haunted me ever since then: why the fuck did he show us that clip? It was supposed to demonstrate the whole Descartes/Matrix/etc brain-in-a-jar thought exercise, but what a weird fucking example to use. Anyway, last night I found myself sitting in front of Ryan's bigass TV at two in the morning with a glass full of wine, and thankfully I was sober enough to realize that was a retarded idea. So I watched it this morning, which was also a retarded idea. Was it all actually a dream? Or real? Maybe making love to a bowl of tortellini kept me from grasping the movie fully.

For those of you who have a vested interest in our trash habits: the trash people again took only half the trash. Actually, about 60%. I think they got here before I was awake.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Busting Balls
So I've been reading this book, viva la repartee which is filled with amusing anecdotes, as you might imagine. The reason you might imagine this is because it's a book about amusing anecdotes. The book was picked it up on a whim at the Barnes & Noble on University in WDM after work one day. Whilst browsing the language section, it's neon-pink dust jacket caught my eye. I realized this book would probably do me more good in life than znat po-rooskie and decided to buy it. I ran across a passage in the early chapters that struck me as particularly poignant, and thought I'd share.

While the ability to forge clever replies has always been useful in dealing with adversaries and opponents, it has proved invaluable in dealing with friends--especially when friends engage in the time-honored tradition of expressing their affection in a form of ritualized insult behavior. There are many words for this phenomenon: banter, razzing, kidding, jesting, ribbing, raillery, roasting, busting chops, and, of course, busting balls. Another word to describe this intriguing form of human interaction is badinage (BAD-uh-nazh) which the OED defines as "light trifling raillery or humorous banter."

The word derives from the French badin, meaning "joker," an the phenomenon shows up mainly in the good-natured teasing and playful banter that people--especially men--engage in with one another.


One of his examples involves a playwright from the Algonquin Round Table, Marc Connelly:

One evening, Connelly was dining with friends when another member of the group snuck up from behind, placed his hand on top of Connelly's bald head, and said to the amusement of the other guests, "Marc, your head feels as smooth as my wife's ass" Connelly instantly raised his hands to his head, began rubbing his own scalp, and with a wry smile said:

"So it does, so it does."


For a long time I've thought that those that didn't participate in badinage or that complained about the behavior just lacked the wit or intelligence; they couldn't hold their own during a quickly paced verbal jousting exercise and as such attempted to shift the conversation away from it or threatened violence in order to halt it. But now I wonder if perhaps it's not so much a lack of wit, but a lack of affection. Maybe these people are not so much witless friends as they are friendless wits?

But mostly I've been pondering about the layers of meaning this unearths about our hours of ruminating on Amish's miniscule genitalia; while the antics can certainly be written off as hilarity for the sake of hilarity, could it also in actuality illuminate our affection, caring, and-- dare I say it?-- love for the big lug?

Hmmm. Perhaps it's just that we find his microscopic phallus laughably noteworthy.

Discuss!
Monday, March 20, 2006
This is a terrible idea.

I'm going to start a pornsite called "Amish Eating."
Here are some photos
Andy preparing to attempt to insert this parking meter into his anus:


I used to be really, really obsessed with the shitty little Windows OS pinball game. It's so simple and unrewarding at first but then you start to figure out the launches and rockets and blammo, you've got six hundred thousand points and three x-tra balls and you can't stop playing. This was around the time I was drinking 6 cans of Pitch Black a day and trying to write a zombie story (which turned out really crappy).

Wes looking aloof:


This is my first fucking day off and man, so far . . . it's not a disappointment. The only bad part (and it was fairly bad) was waking up at 7 to Sarah telling me her car had been egged in the night. She went off to work and I went outside and inspected the road and Andy's car was okay, as was a green car down the street, but Sarah's and Kevin's had been hit. Kevin's was in worse shape, actually. It got the most brutal Wrath of the Unborn Chickens.



So at 7:30 on my first day off, the first day that I'm supposed to be sleeping till 10 so that I can roll out of bed, pour a bowl of BooBerry and write a masterpiece, I found myself standing in the basement, at the foot of my mattress, telling a sleepy Kevin about his car. He was pretty cool about it, but then, he was running on about 4 hours of sleep.



Goathead advised that we report it to the police, to see if they'd caught anyone or heard any other egging reports, so I spent about ten minutes trying to find a working non-emergency number, then trying to get hold of someone on the other end of the line. I kept imagining the conversation: "Sir, we'll put every man we've got on the trail of those egg-chucking bastards." But no, it would be futile--sometimes your car gets egged and then you or your boyfriend stands in the driveway in rumpled pants and smudged glasses and glares at the sky and then you realize that the cops can't really do anything, since the yolks and whites are dried dried, solidified into ridges more permanent than mountain ranges, and whoever put them there is way the fuck gone.

This is the face that convinced Amish to do the Worm on the tile-on-concrete floor of our basement bar (you can guess how well that went):



So Kevin and I, too awake to go back to sleep even at 8 in the morning, walked down to BK for some soul-soothing breakfast sandwiches. Then he bought his mom a gift card to a massage parlor and drove us through one crazy fucking Disney ride of a carwash. I highly recommend the carwash over on Valley West Drive, because it does this hot wax drop, all different colors, all over your windshield. One second there's nothing there but beaded water and the next metallic purple and red and green is all over the glass.



But the car wash failed to remove all of the egg.

Exacerbate
Tim that is the correct spelling hahahaha. I peed on my pants last night not in them but on them, sarah and my cars were also egged last night. UGH
Coffee! Coffee is making me awake!!! -OR- What Dave Loses Sleep Over
Do people still have consciences anymore?

The Answer is "No". People are truely heartless Nazi fuck dolls.

Do people even think that others have feelings too? Nope. We all wander around in an aimless bubble of hurting others and dont care who we encase or burst.

But in any case, here is a picture of Wesley.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
The future

This is David, Nick, and myself in the future
Saturday, March 18, 2006
How pirates are made...
In case any of you were curious, now you know what to do when this happens to you.
Friday, March 17, 2006
I'm already drunk
Wheeoooo.
Keeping up Tim's vomitous posting
I cant stop laughing!!
Back, you green devils!
Well, it's that F'ing day. One of the counselors here passed out green carnations, about 30 people are talking about drinking over the morning break, and Goathead is either

a) drunk

or

b) still asleep

But really it's not St. Pat's day; it's St. Tim's day! Because at noon I'm walking out of here forever. Gone are my prestigious lunch dates with the governor, my gilt invitations to state fundraisers, my unchecked use of the state's concubine pool.

Monday I'm going to see how late I can sleep in, and then Tuesday I'm going to try to beat that record.

Dave, it's true, a proper hobo party can't be had without the Hobo King. But we'll have to appoint new hobofficials; Duke of the Hobos, or Madame Trashheap.

If you want to find me this afternoon: My lovely and old, old assistant would like to watch the parade or go get stereotypical with some green beer at noon, and then I'm meeting Sarah for lunch at one, and then finding Goathead, I imagine . . . I'll be downtown till around six, and I'll have my phone starting at one. Anyone's welcome to join me and Sarah—we'll be meeting at the hub in the skywalk.

Mostly I'm thinking of Kevin, as he mentioned being around…but I don't know when.

Adieu!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
What Sarah said (says)
Sarah is throwing a hobo party in honor of my unemployment...

It's been a while since my last hobo party.. and i'm hoping this one will be even better. Hobo dress is required (that means kevin can wear the goodwill jacket again).. and all must drink hobo related beveraages (anything out of a brown paper bag is fine.) Hope to see you there!

She came to my afterwork party tonight, so she can tell you all about the crying woman!
Green beer and this man

If I don't see this man tommorow St. Patrick's day will be deemed a defeat. I'm so excited for no real reason about a holiday that I have no real basis for getting excited for, except the beer. I'm not Irish, nor catholic, nor gay or..um..errr anyways the point is I want to see people like this tommorow just roaming around downtown des moines. Tim if you would like to I would be willing to help you move youre car sometime in the near future like this evening before eight or if not then over the weekend.
At the office, Jesus is an ass.
So, Bob goes into the break room for some coffee. He sees Jesus emptying the pot into his "I(heart)You" cup.

"Hey Jesus, is that the last of the coffee?" Bob questions.
"Yep, and we're out of grounds" Jesus replies as he pours creamer into the coffee.
"Damn," says Bob, "I could really use it"

Suddenly, Jesus gets a disgusted look on his face after he takes his first drink "BLEH! I hate creamer in my coffee!" and poors the contents out.
"God, you're an ass, Jesus!" Bob yells
----
Same break room, different day. Bob and several co-workers have forgotten their lunch and are eating week-old cake left in the break room fridge. Jesus suddenly walks in and has a giant box of pizza.

"Jesus! Youve brought pizza!" Bob shouts hopefully as his insides eat themselves.
"Yep! And its going on the floor!" Jesus proclaims as he throws the pizza face down onto the floor.
"Damn it Jesus! Youre such an ass!"
-----
Break room again. Bob enters seeing Jesus eating donuts/doughnuts (fuck you Andy, you fucking dick! Always nay-saying! You try to invent something like inward singing!!!) by the window sill.

"Woah! Pastries!" Bob says in his hungry break-induced state.
Jesus replies, "Yep, and they're going out the window!"
"Damn it,Jesus, I hate you!" Bob barks.
"BUT I LOVE YOU!" replied Jesus.
Punch you, punch you, punch you!
Mein Hut, der hat drei Ecken,
Drei Ecken hat mein Hut.
Und hätt' er nicht drei Ecken,
So wär's auch nicht mein Hut.

Translation:

Come here, you son of a bitch!
Son of a bitch, come here!
I'll rip out your fucking guts!
I'll punch you in the fucking thorax!
---
I had a huge adrenaline rush yesterday. I was walking downtown to meet Sarah for lunch, listening to Portishead on my enchanted headphones, passing down 6th by House of Bricks and Gong Fu and then the damn pawnshop. It was a very sunny day and the pawn shop windows were glaring white, so I thought the big form in the window was the shopkeeper bending over to arrange a display--but no, it was a huge stuffed bear! Man, I about pooped em. Well, not really. But I did have the aforementioned Huge Adrenaline Rush and this sort of time-stopping feeling where my consciousness jumped about 12 levels. And then I realized that I was just retarded.
Damn it.
Yesterday I emailed out my farewell to the Ottumwa counselors, who'd sent us a card.

Ottumwa!

(Blahblahblah)

PS Although it’s a bit late in the game to send a card of our own, I can offer you this artist’s interpretation of a giant squid battling a whale, which has been the working background of several electronic reports I’ve written over the past few months:




To which I received this reply:

Hi Tim,
The whale and the squid remind me of the agency right now. Not hopeless but not great. Clients are really upset which is understandable.


Well, all right.

. . .

To my great terror, one of the largelarge women here reminded me that tonight is the You Got Laid Off Party! At the House of Bricks, 5 o'clock. Oh, man, I'd conveniently forgotten about this. It's not so much that I abhor the idea of drinking cocktails with my coworkers—or maybe I do—but that I know no one else is going to show up. Not the other researcher, not the transcriptionists, just me and the largelarge lady and the crying woman.

Fuck.

Procrastionation gets the best of me...again. Now if only I had a good ol' 16 bit engine...

Also: Im going to do this everytime I win at Solitaire, since I am now moving to the fifth floor.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I'm gonna F all your mothers
Damnit I should have stayed in bed today. So my bad today actually started yesterday when I agreed to my boss that if nobody else would come in at 3:00 AM I woul do it. So nobody would I go home and directly to bed. Wake up at 2:30 go to work 3-5 was great not a hitch the day was off to a good start. Well 7 am rolls around and boss doesn't want to give us a break it isn't like we aren't working a fucking twelve hour shift. Anyways much miscellaneous bs happens througout the day and as the icing on the cake after cashing Tim's check I locked my keys in my car at US bank and have to wait 30 minutes to pay them fourty dollars for 15 seconds of work. Fuck them and their lucrative business why don't I just sell a kidney for a lifetime worth of key lockings which I know I will have to do at least 5 more times before I die assuming i make it to 25.
Round Two : **THIS IS A SHAWK POST**
So first off, thank you Andy for stepping up. Takes some guts to admit to something especially when the person offended knows your address and has too much free time on their hands. Heh that aside, I knew the post wasn't formatted that well. I gave up fighting with blogger over some attempts to add an image and decided to just hit post.

In part due to the fact that if any of our college friends were interested they only had until today to submit. I figured the information needed to be out there rather than pretty. My bad.

So today we'll give another go after doing some photo wizardry and compressing the images so blogspot doesn't herniate itself loading them.

This is a castle that I smacked into at about Mach one during my first days exploring this realm. Now the point I want to make about the interesting potential of this space is that everything is built by the participants. So this massive thing
was commissioned by some player and built by a player.

Most of us gave the Muds a go at one point. I'm seeing this as a leap or two above that. Its like everyone is on a level playing field and you really are only limited by your imagination and personal skills. All participants have full access to the build, scripting, and imaging tools. I think this could be an interesting place to attempt to hang out some. Especially to the benefit of our distant friends that can't exactly make it down on weekends.

This mech was fully built by me. The scripting was donated by a passing mentor and was open source. It moves about by attaching to your avatar and startles people quite well. The second image is my avatar stalking through one of the sandboxes trying to think of something to build.





















The financial opportunity I mentioned does exist but isn't not necessarily easy to capitalize on. I wasn't claiming this was an easy get rich scheme. But if you can dream up something that others want they can buy it from you. Everyone retains their Intellectual property for anything built, to do with as you like. There are groups right now developing mechanima, games, events, just about anything you can dream up. I think the current money is in the online real estate which is more complicated than I want to explain.

Music can be streamed in as well as video so there are some impressive night clubs that one could go hear live music. So anyhow, I'm not trying to claim its the greatest thing ever but it has a lot of potential for doing some amazing things that no other MMO can do. An idea of that which seems to be along the thoughts of some of our members is that you could shoot a video in SL then stream it back into SL to a ready audience. Or their are several of us that have mumbled about doing some sort of comic strip, I've not seen anyone posting comics in world yet but it could be a definite second outlet for viewing. Just some thoughts.

I'm going to see if I can't make something profitable out of messing with it before the end of the month as an experiment. If it doesn't work I'm going back to the real world job market. If I've managed to spark any actual interest this time around feel free to ask me about it. I've been reading up on most aspects of it. Website is secondlife.com these are the system reqs. Who knows this little hobby could turn into a small income, or just no bigger waste of time than any other game. There, said my piece, formatted said piece, my post quota is complete for the next several months. Shawk out
The end is near
I'm supposed to use my last few days here to research

free online personality tests
deaf nurses
small animal massage

I can't wait to be out.
Man, I'm even BOREDER today.
Man, I used to use a lot of commas. Boy howdy, did I ever. I think this came from reading older stuff like Hugo and Dumas, where commas were sprinkled everywhere, between every claus.

And in modern writing commas are increasingly sparse. You've even got a willing disregard for commas in traditionally comma'd phrases like

go shark go

The trend of language is to simplify over time, which is why words that were formed of 12 letters in Old English used 8 in Middle and 6 now.

Anyway.

. . .

Oh dear sweet god.

. . .

Anything I should know about trying to haul my laptop onboard a flight?
I feel like sharing my spam...
Wow, 2 posts in a week. What the hell has gotten into me? Oh yeah, boredom...that, and trying to look busy to the guy I'm traveling with.

Good news, Tim. I'm at the airport again waiting for a flight back. It looks like Northwest is actually going to get it right today, no delays expected (yet).

The place I was visiting was a suburb of Boston called Billerica. No story there; I just find the name amusing. Oh, the hotel was pretty nice. They even had an Aeron chair in the room. It wasn't the biggest size so wasn't really big enough to support my fat ass properly, but it was still pretty sweet...I think I'm going to start a fund. Who wants to contribute part of the $800, so I don't have to settle for a cheap EBay knockoff? I'll even send you pictures of it or me or me sitting in it. But not of Bil or Morgan. They will not be allowed near it.

I know this is old and you've probably all seen it, but I still think it's funny:

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent E-mails. They sent out E-mails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone. It's all gone. I lost everything when the power went off."

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated. How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
From the Depths of Crashetron Comes GOOFY ASS PICTURE!!!



ALSO:
I have a scheduled outing with a female for St. Patty's Day parties. Thats right, bitches: Satan is ice skating to work!
Expect more of the same when I don't have a job.
Every so often—usually every other hour, but always in the afternoon for some reason—I get an Orbitz popup. This happens when I visit the Washington Post or Slate, for the most part, and it's sometimes a little paper football game or a mini golf game. Usually, though, it's shuffleboard. Shamefully, I'm often so bored that I play.

My first victory over the computerized shuffleboard opponent was enthralling; my next one less so; and by the third victory I realized I always won by margins of 35 or 40 (out of 50 total). So today I decided to try to not only lose, but to win for the computer.

At first I was naïve to believe that I could cause the computer to win simply by sabotaging myself. Here I am (maroon) trying to knock my puck out of the 7 points section and into the minus 10 section:



I failed, of course, but did succeed in knocing myself out of the grid entirely. The computer insisted on being retarded--maybe it was trying to mimic the play of your standard geriatric shuffleboard player. Here it is shoving its puck into the minus 10 slot:



Thankfully I had a chance to knock that blue puck straight out of the grid. Here I am setting up the shot. Note the determination, the steadiness in my . . . shuffleboard stick thing:



And finally--victory!



It took a grueling 22 minutes, but I lost to that damn retarded computer.
Those God Damned Hippies
Here's an interesting article about minority-specific scholarships being opened up to non-minorities. The head of the NAACP is pissed off.

I don't think it's racist to speculate that the same guy would be pissed off if some school instituted a whites-only scholarship. There's the argument that all non-specific scholarships go mostly to whites, but I don't know if that's true anymore.

Anyway.

I just ate a gut-busting shepherd's pie down at the Mile. As if you care! You whore!

Wellsy, sorry you can't make it back. It would be good to see you. But the next best thing would be a virtual visit, so I'm creating the following text-based simulation of a visit to Iowa.

Day One: Roll into town late at night, on a train, and go home and pass out while the dogs bark bark bark.

Day Two: Wander around Albia on foot, hoping to run into someone. See Garrett naked, humping the imitiation Liberty Bell on the square. Run in fear as the bell begins to ring.

Day Three: Loiter at Kum & Go, talking to Josh. Tim drives to town and you two roll around Albia in a car that smells of must and whose interior falls apart into your lap.

Day Four: Fiddle around online, walk around some more. Get Amish to drive you to Des Moines, where you get drunk with Jamie.

Day Five: Visit Le Chateau. Amish plays Halo all night while you and Tim and Andy dash around the house.

Day Six: Return.

There are about 50 college kids outside the Capitol building, holding hand-drawn banners against hate. I couldn't figure out what their message was, but some blonde in a stocking cap waved a peace sign at me. If you have any idea, let me know, for I am curious.
Belated Apology
Hello.

I debated about this over the weekend, but I think it would make me feel better if I just came clean.

Yes, I was the anonymous commentor from last Thursday who wrote the cowardous insult toward Shawk's post.

Sorry.

In my defense (and in spite of the fact I can't prove any of this) I never intended to insult Shawk, and I certainly didn't intend to do it Anonymously.

I actually thought it was DaveO's post, mostly due to the blocky prose I typically associate with DaveO, and I neglected to read the byline before commenting. It was only after the reaction that I realized who actually wrote it.

I also, to my shame, didn't actually read the post. I just skimmed it, thought of (what I thought was) a witty comment, and decided that crushing DaveO's dreams with repartee was just another day on the blog.

Oh! And as for why I posted Anonymously; that was the result of deleting my cookies and my temporary internet files and whatnot. I had to do a purge of saved internet stuff (for reasons I'd best not disclose here) and I forgot to reinsert my name.

So, take the post, put DaveO's name on the byline, add a few curse words to the body of the text and then replace the comment name Anonymous with Goathead and you get what I had intended. It doesn't seem quite as offensive now, does it?

So sorry for the trouble it caused. Hostile action toward Shawk will cease immediately and belittlement of DaveO will continue as normal. Because DaveO knows he's not REALLY a pathetic waste of non-renewable resources, no matter how often I tell him otherwise.
Monday, March 13, 2006

Whoohoo! The Final Phallicy world map!! Uh... What happened to that? I finished it. And then I lost it. I found it again! WHoot!

Now then. I wont be back for my break. Sadness. Could you all like...grab my paper bag idol and do stuff with it? I dont know...like drink with it and take it to a bar and lose it, then find it again. SOMETHING! I am bummed out cuz of my lack of returnage.
NWA can go to hell
I've been sitting at the Detroit airport since 7:30 this morning because they can't come up with a crew to replace the ones that are/were stranded in Minneapolis. The plane's here, there's just nobody to fly it. Fuck it, get me a manual. How hard can it be?

Oh, as an added bonus, every hour or so some loud ass siren goes off for no apparent reason. I think this is some kind of psych experiment.

On an unrelated note, all you poor bastards in relationships are going to go insane. Hah!...heh...eh...
Sunday, March 12, 2006
AWWWWWW SO CUTE
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Information (and image) Recieved at a Sleazy Pub's Urinal

The average cost of a DUI (in Colorado, at least) is $3,415. That includes court costs, attorney's fees, and city/state fines.

As the old Mac game used to say, That is pretty Lousey. I really did see a louse on the urinal. I was scared.
Insane! OR this Saturday is one confusing donkey show
This is what I am wondering: why is Amish not coming here this weekend? He comes here every weekend! And he thinks there's going to be a snow storm . . ? Now that Sarah's here, she's gonna try to persuade him.

Last night I promised my supple young body to Kevin for the evening, so I might not be around the Neo Flophouse/Le Chateau/that Scurvy Pile of Bricks on Grand Ave. But if I am, I'll post something here, and if Bil still is interested in swingin by, we'll watch some MST. Mayhap? If I do fulfill my loveoath to Kevin, then next weekend? I'll have Wesley summoned and Head will be here. I could even paint a bunch of text commands on the walls and it'll be like we're mudding!

Maybe I won't go that far.

The MST is The Dead Talk Back. We started it last night but everyone was WORN by ice skating and I was ultraworn from that concert the night before.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Shut up, I think it's funny
If they can pass the test, I say give'em their license.
A Revolutionary Veal
Tim wants a Dog Costume, I want a MECHA DOG SUIT!
Imagine rolling up to do dog suit shennaningans in this bad boy!
Shirley MacLaine.....hottest old lady on the planet.


Last night Bunny was watching In Her Shoes and I couldn't help but notice that Shirley MacLaine looks HOT in that movie! She didn't look nearly as good in Bewitched but that doesn't change the fact that I might, under certain circumstances, have sex with her.

The circumstances are such:

1: I have been drinking.

2: I have not had sex in quite some time.

3: Shirley MacLaine is present.

4: Shirley MacLaine is looking better than say...my right hand.

5: She refers to me only as "Harry Dean"

6: She wears her costume from Two Mules for Sister Sara


MAN! Doesn't she make a hot nun? If only I were of breeding age in the early sixties . . . *sigh*

Paperclippaperclippaperclippaperclip
Well:

Good morning!

Last night I went to a concert with my girlfriend and my ears are still full of cottage cheese. It's like I've got a seashell clamped against the right side of my face. fwooooooooosh. Well, not that bad, really. But all those o's were fun to write.

The offer to add commenters to the blog: momentous! Kevin, I know you want a sweet piece of that glazed ham.

. . .

Now:

Of all you people, only Bunny wanted to see King Kong with me. This is like a bear is driving: how can this be? But ah well. Ah well. I'll wait till I'm unemployed, then go jockey a theater seat at noon on a Tuesday and watch a giant ape rip up town.

I tried to go ice skating a few weeks back with Sarah. Did I write about this already? Anyway, we got to the damn rink and there were little girls everywhere, in little dresses, and the speakers were playing the classical track that asks the question, just who did let those damn dogs out? Man, it was scary. Scary. I don't even remember how many bodily fluids I released at once.

But, because I've never gone and because I will do just about anything to make a girl in eyeliner and a plaid skirt happy and because it just might involve seeing Amish try to manipulate a pair of feetblades, I'm going again tonight. With Goathead, no less. And Shannon. And Goathead's girlfriend. So if you're interested, which I know is unlikely, feel free to comment and you can join.

KEVIN.

Was that too obvious to be a subliminal

KEVIN

message?

KEVIN.

I will likely be here Saturday night, and available. By which I mean, you can buy me for sex. Sarah's going to Cedar Falls to take care of some devil psych research involving unwilling subjects and her "Insanity Machine," and Goathead's going back to Hellrose, and with Bunny and Ryan at the bar I will be left as Lord of Le Chateau. Maybe we could install secret passagesways or robotic limbs or tank treads or something.
more mario fun
Every movie should be like this.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
HI ANONYMOUS
Random note: I can see who's posting comments (or rather where they're posting comments from), names notwithstanding!

....

You know, people don't use the word 'notwithstanding' nearly enough.

....

Is that even really a word?

Regardless! People don't use it enough.

....

Secondly, people! Please don't edit massively or remove entire posts! Screws things up, most importantly my constantly hilarious witty comments. I'm not telling you you can't, but in general it's pretty bad form to have something up for a couple of hours and then just dash it into the bin in a fit of..... whatever you people have fits of.

....

Oughten we add some of our commenting compatriots to the blog? Sound off, send emails. My signatory name at the Hoo of the Ya company if ye wish to join.
nothing
Linden Fellowship. Nevermind then, sorry for posting.
Mario Ice Capades

I found this in a very roundabout string of Google image searches that culminated with the search phrase "Luigi's huge demonic head."
Im going to kick US Bank until it explodes like an overloved water balloon
So, my Check Card: online it takes 3 days to go through, even though the whole system is digital. In the real world, where unicorns and dragons aren't real, transactions made with the card are IMMEDIATE. So i can spend $654 online with no money in my account for 48 hours...but when I spend $20 at a grocery store, they begin to rape my ass for 2 days even though the card isnt in use. And when I try to explain this to the fucking receptionists, they tell me the same fucking line over and over again "Thats not true. Its immediate no matter what the case is."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Im done with US Bank. I refuse service from my namesake Wells Fargo cuz they are a bunch of butt fucking athiests when it comes to how money is deposited.
Alien Babies!!!!
Okay, so this kid isn't really an alien...

Weird nurological disorder (mostly for Tim's enjoyment). It's called hydrocephalus, which means "water head". It's actually kind of interesting, and yet very very horrible if left untreated. (Your head can actually burst).

So, check this out for more info.

Chadahootchie!
People working on our cartoon....minus Nick at the top.

Donate if you can. Im not going.

And then: There is this. I...I cant explain it. NSFW, but everywhere else...yeah.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Ruffians have kidnapped the British Prime Minister! Are you a righteous enough chap to free him from unconsented incarsoration?

I fit into the Fantasy/SF amateur artist who cant get breasts right :(

So Tuesday, it was a balmy 72. Today, it was a ballz cold 40 with snow and wind and snow, with some wind.

I am unsure if I will be returning in 2 weeks. I am without a job and without an income to return as of now. The job I could of had at Six Flags pretty much fell through when the directions I was given/had led nowhere and a Bus Pass didnt fly with a driver, who prolly didnt like me cuz I was white and dressed nicely. So unless a rich relative I have no empathy for dies or I win the lottery or save the life of a billionaire, I dont know how Ill return. I believe when Easter rolls around I can return shortly...but alas.
That's unfortunate
Wow, Goathead must have really loved that USDA glossary.

Following Cricket's suggestion, I submitted the following list to McSweeney's for their "lists" segment (which is usually kind of boring and stupid, but this was too easy to neglect):

Entries from the Official USDA Glossary of Meat Terminology which
Remind Me of Unfortunate Sexual Encounters


Regular Tripe
Import Quota
False Sweetbread
Firm Bottom/Open Top
Dry Rendered
Butt Branded
Loose Lard
Portion Controlled
Voluntary Restraint Agreement
Off Condition
Intent of Sale
A selection of my favorite USDA meat terms
Thanks to Tim, for posting the link for these!

Blade Meat - The meat removed from the scapula or shoulder bone. Also called lifter meat or cap and wedge meat.

Blood Meal - Pulverized or finely ground dried blood. Water is usually removed by either flash drying or by the conventional cooker method. Blood meal is high in protein (85 percent) and is used as a feed additive. Valued as a good source of natural lysine.

Bob Veal - A house graded baby dairy calf slaughtered at 1-3 weeks of age based upon freshness and lean texture. Slaughter weight ranges between 50-110 pounds. Meat is sold mostly for trimmings and for lower priced calf cuts. The term originated in the days when lightweight calf carcasses were tail bobbed instead of trying to skin the small tail.

Bone Meal - Finely ground or pulverized cooked bone. Not used in any meat food product but in animal feeds.

Butt Branded - In hides, refers to a hide which has had a brand placed on the portion of the skin covering the rump area of the animal.

Chitterlings - The cleaned large intestines of swine prepared for human food.

Choice White Grease - Rendered, inedible pork fat. Used in pet foods and animal feeds.

Chub - A tubular casing or plastic bag in which meat, usually ground beef or pork, is enclosed for retail sale.

Colorado Branded - In hides, refers to placement of a brand on the side of an animal, although not necessarily from Colorado.

Comminuted - The reduction of meat particle size through grinding, dicing, chopping, etc.

Cracklings - The crisp residue remaining after lard has been pressed from rendered hog fat or tallow pressed from rendered beef fat.

Deckle - The fat and lean lying between the bone and main muscle of the brisket.

Denude - To remove surface fat from a cut of meat down to the blue tissue or silver skin.

False Sweetbread - In swine, the pancreas gland.

Foresaddle - The unsplit front half of a veal or lamb carcass.

Hanging Tender (the opposite of "hanging tough"?)- The thick, red muscle dorsal attachments of the diaphragm.

Hide-On - Veal carcasses sold with the hide intact. Usually used when calf is slaughtered and broken at different facilities to reduce the incidence of drying. Normally dresses 70 percent.

Honeycomb Tripe - The lining of the second compartment (reticulum) of the ruminant stomach which has honeycomb-like appearance.

Inside Skirt - The Transversus abdominis muscle.

Kidney Knob - The rounded structure of the kidney and the surrounding fat. Kipskin - A hide of the bovine species from a very young, or even unborn, animal up to a mature animal. Also called Kips.

Leaf Fat - The heavy layer of fat that lines the inside surfaces of the abdominal cavity of a hog carcass.

Lights - Slang term for lungs.

Mechanically Deboned - Product, usually pork picnics, that is machine separated from bones. The resultant product is normally intended for further processing into fresh ground product or sausage.

Melts - Industry terminology for spleens.

Off Condition - Meat that is unwholesome.

Oxtails - The coccygeal vertebrae from beef carcasses. Used for stewing and for soup making.

Peeled - Refers to fat and muscle separation along natural seams.

Pepsin Linings - A portion of a hog's stomach lining that contains glands that secrete the pepsin enzyme. This enzyme is used by the pharmaceutical industry to produce a digestive aid for humans.

Pet Food Items - Visceral organs and carcass parts that are denatured and then rendered into products for pet consumption.

Rib Fingers - The intercostal muscles.

River Hides - Hides from cattle produced mainly in the major cattle producing states along the upper Missouri River - Nebraska, Iowa, Missouri, and Kansas.

Seedless Bellies - Pork bellies free of mammary gland tissue.

Silver Skin - A heavy membrane separating muscle groups.

Slunk - An unborn calf.

Soaper - A trade term for a soap company. They buy packer bleachable tallow to use in the soap manufacturing process.

Strap (Ligamentum Nuchae) - The thick, elastic band of ligament imbedded between the muscle bundles of the dorsal surface of the neck (also called "back strap").

Sweetbread - In beef, this is the thymus gland and is used as a food product. In pork, this is the pancreas gland and is used for pharmaceutical production.

Swiss Cut - Refers to the close trimming of beef tongues. All bones, glands, and base muscles are removed.

Trepas - The small intestine in beef.

Trotter - The lower hind shank in lamb. That portion normally removed at the break joint.

Variety Meats - A term usually used to describe offal items such as heart, liver, tongue, brain, sweetbread, etc.

Weasand - The muscular layer of the esophagus.

Wet Blueing - The process by which a hide is converted into a wet, unsplit, blue-chromed hide. The hide is soaked and washed with chemicals (lime and sulfur) or enzymes to burn off hair. After the hair is removed, the hide is limed and delimed (bating). The hide is then pickled, using sulfuric acid and salt to lower the Ph level. Finally, the hide is chromed (blueing), the first step in tanning.
Question
What comes to mind when you think of adventure?
Forcefeeding you a big sloppy bucket of tankage
Here's a list of official USDA meat terminology.
Selected Comments from Amazon's Oscar Mayer Beef Bologna, 8 oz. Page:
I found this while researching for the guy who wants to sell bologna out of his home.

Being not only a agoraphobic but a hemophiliac, you can imagine how difficult my life is. 20 years ago I became a shut in and the most painful part of my existance was my inability to recieve fresh beef bologna. Imagine my glee at hearing the news that the delicate lunchmeat that had once been so readily available to my distinct palate was no longer going to be merely a dream!

My 14 cats and I have cocktail partys all the time

and then I will enter my bathtub and delight in the Bologna all over my body. Slick... slimy... bologna... mmmmm....

one thing I did not realize when I purchased this item is that each slice of beef bologna is uniquely crafted to sleeve an undersized man's penis.

ok lemme start out with some background info on myself. I am a 42 year old pigmy living in louisiana, and have 4 illegitimate children by three different women, and this amounts to allot of money in support payments. I recently hired a lawyer to work out my payments with my ex-lovers. The deal that was reached is i have to feed all my kids and nothing more, their mothers pay for their clothes and everything else. This agreement allowed me to save a whole bunch of money because i recently just had 250 packages of this delicious bologna sent to my house. It has 20 slices per package and i told their mothers to cut up a slice into three pieces, one for each meal. Seeing as each package will feed one of my kids for 20 days i have already had enough money to start up an expensive meth habit that has made my life full again. I no longer feel lost in life. Once again i have a purpose in life. havent just been givin the bologna away though, i have been enjoying it also. Since i have been eatin this stuff my ghonorrea has cleared up, and my eyesight is much better now too. Thank you amazon and oscar maier, you have saved my life. Now I have to go to U P S to send out my monthly shipments of bologna to my kids. Now if i could re-up on metamphetamine i would be set.
The Stupidest Place on Earth
McDonough, Georgia. Home of transformers, karaoke, illiteracy, and duct-taping butter knives to fists.

Remind me to never go there. Ever.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Florida sounds like a retarded state.
Good GRAVY! The best gravy! Wait, no, let's start again:

Good gravy, Wauson! That's a screwed up situation. Since the chatbox only allows so much chatter, I'm putting this post up so you can comment with more details about your employment fuckery.

So they paid you too much, and now want to retract what they paid you over. As Dave says, they of course have to pay you something...but I have no idea what proper procedures are for recalling partial wages.

That's F'd.

You'd think they'd just take the hit, since it was their fuckup, and pay you whatever it you're supposed to make from now on.
Man, I hate those people.
Do you agree that people who say "guesstimate" should be stripped of their skin? Or just disemboweled?
Tim is a Redundant Fucker is Tim

This doesnt scare me. Its like me drawing boobies. No sort of arousal for me. Why? Cuz its not real.

This fucking does because its real. They sleep like this. God really made some fucked up creatures to scare the piss out of me...but LOOK! THEY FUCKING SLEEP LIKE THAT!!! They deserve to be made into oil.
Have I posted this Kraken picture yet?

Does it have any effect on you, Dave? Or is it just whales?
Boing
Man, I hope somebody will someday describe my writing at "a drug- and sex-laden trek through a number of conspiracy theories."
Well, to hell with you people

I would like to repost this picture with an added red circle to say: look at that fucking house! Damn! Who needs a house that big? That house could hold a Resident Evilian labyrinth of zombies. There's probably some sick research going on in there involving the revivification of undead flesh. And Dave and I got so close to uncovering it . . .

Well, balls. That always happens, doesn't it?
Monday, March 06, 2006
Yaaaaaay!
Anyone interested in seeing King Kong this week? It's showing at the Nova--$5 gets you admission, popcorn, and soda.

Yaaaaaay, said all the children!

Yaaaaaay!
Sunday, March 05, 2006
With or Without Kevin
Kevin roundup:


Scary Crab.




Deduction.


Solving the mystery.


The animals come to feast.