I dont understand. Is there a problem with the Earth's gravitational pull in the future to make everything "heavy" ?

Holy Tap Dancing Christ. I got a $750 paycheck today. Finally! Now I will waste it on tattoos, shoes, booze and floozies.

Tim: If yer bored at work, check out this fucked up thing. Denver has a series of underground tunnels. The local gov't claims it was a planned idea for a subway, but for some fuckered up reason it runs to Mt. Cheyenne (the place where they keep the Fargate and the frozen heads of John Lennon and The Duke) as well as deep into nowhere. As well, the airport has the entrance to this tunnel system. I have seen it, too, but parts of it are blocked off and constantly being worked on. And at the capitol, they have the tunnel mainframe center, as it were, that anyone can get into but they have a guard to warn you that if you go alone, youre dead. DEAD! No one goes into them alone and none of them go very far when they do (researchers have a place deeper in but thats as far as any one "goes" ). Fucked up no? And the National Gov't doesnt deny that theres a network of tunnels they funded from the airport to denver to colorado springs to cheyenne to boulder to aspen etc...they just dont tell you what its for.

You know what I think? I think the damn Aliens are the reason why. They want all our argon so it can feed the workshops for the Elves from the Red Planet who are enslaved by St. Santa the Claws.

One point twenty-one jigawatts!

Dave, the solution: Fall in love with some woman, then have her die on the verge of your wedding ceremony. Capture her soul in a special jar, bought in al old Oriental antiques shop, and keep it lovingly by your bedside, where it will be silent and still but glow never-so-slightly in the small hours of the morning. Then borrow the electronics book from Wes and learn electronics. Then borrow Amish at gunpoint and build a car. Then--and this is the most important part--fit the soul bottle into the car's electrics. Boom, there you go: the soul of your ex-human fiance will speak to you through the speakers, and help you parallel park. Assuming she can parallel park.

Oh, and you might as well throw in a flux capacitor while you're at it.

Any Des Moinesians want to do anything tonight? Sevenish? Ochoish?

Let's put on a western themed musical about the undead: Annie Get Your (Zombie) Gun.

The Burritor

Ralph, Slayer of Potatoes and the one who every retarded imbred better-than-thou-art person in Albia thinks I am (it burns us) has a blog now. Its so cute hes trying to be like me!!! ....gar.

So. Whats happened in my little world? Lynn (anime girl) and I got in a fight, Melissa (girl i was goin after) went out with a guy who she hates, Ali is dating a guy I cant friggin stand, and Jaime is well....the usual. Hence, that is why I felt the impulse to tell you all that women suck. A lot. This all happed on that day too.

OH. That reminds me. The day before that I was parallel parking and banged the fuck out of my front-left car side place. So now my car's front looks like it suffered a stroke. The worst part? I friggin banged it up on a literal PLANETOID of an SUV. A big fucking white World Slayer. Galactus musta drove this fucking thing. OH well. Im alive.

XTREME LINKAGE!!!

No.

No.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

This is just a flaming pile of poo that has gone on too long!

A computer learns to play "rock, paper, scissors." Geeks everywhere rejoice.

A fun, but somewhat strange, game.

Ratatat -- Seventeen years (cool song, animation is pretty cool too)

Huntziger Property Management

Often I wonder what it feels like to be the people singing jingles for advertising. How gut wrenching must it be to bend over into a microphone, imagining sultry people dancing all around on an MTV video, imagining picking up fat royalty checks, while you croon "coo oOL WHIP!" or "Dum Dums, ba doobie!" or especially "Huntziger, Property Management!" (If I hear that one again, I'm going to hunt down the singers and ask them who the fuck kidnapped their mothers to get them to sing that damned tune.)

Here's a story some of you have heard. It involves A.S., the same A.S. who later in life would use a plunger to remove part of my parents' upstairs ceiling, throw a rock through the bedroom window, roll over and brake the antenna off my first car, goad me into beginning a cow feces-flinging fight, etc.

4th grade: I'm staying at A.S.'s house. His mother is making hot dogs. So we're all around an NES, playing Dragon Warrior, and these foul smelling plates appear in front of us. Hot dogs with relish. Fucking relish (although I probably thought 'darn relish' instead). And onions. Dear sweet lord. And then mustard. His mother may as well have scooped up a dead cat outside and spooned the maggots into a hot dog bun.

I didn't want to be an ass, so I forced the godawful mess down. Man, I about lost it right onto the Power Pad. Later that night A.S. asked why I was looking ill, and I told him I didn't really like mustard or onions or relish.

Monday at school: he comes over during a break and says, "My mom says when someone stays at your house for dinner, you don't pleeeease them." And gives me this learn-your-lesson-young-man head shake. Man, that was irritating.

Pondering the midwest

Greetings

In yesterdays Register a big deal was made about some of the Iowa Legislatures plans on ways to get the youth of the state to stick around. The proposal thats catching all the attention is that no one under the age of 30 would pay state income tax. Following the article were lots of quotes from people of several ages, the under 30's all sounded like 'sure the money is nice but this might not be a good deal really for the state' and all the over 30's were mostly 'screw them they should have to pay cause we did'. The debate rages then on what is needed to keep the youth around. It's something I was thinking of asking here some time back as we are all in that target demographic.

So what do you think Des Moines or Iowa as a whole needs, more cultural opportunies, better youth events, lower taxes, better jobs, is it a something tangible? I'm seriously interested in this answer cause if its something that can be created by god we need to get into it and reap the intellectual and finacial opportunities while raising the quality of the state.

Less serious now hey Wes, do you remember these two.
I've been exploring this mmorpg a bit.
Blowing stuff up is fun and easy.
Link I stole from Aaron Williams 'Nodwick' creator, for those that loved late night PBS.

Well that should make up for months of inactivity...now I go back to hibernation.

Edit:
Found this list of some cultural links.
Also here's the playhouse's site.

Cricketus Maximus

Aldus was sure that, given the success of their previous experiments, he and his wife could easily tinker with the DNA of more complicated animals. After the amazing Tigerbeetle ripped apart 23 people, maimed seven others and laid eggs in two, they decided to try an animal with more defensive capabilites, rather than offensive.

An animal with a sharp intellect, rather than sharp teeth. An animal that could take a beating, rather than administer one. Of course, at that time, they still believed humans were the most intelligent creatures on earth (the Dolphin Death Ray, unleashed three years later, would prove otherwise) so they spliced the DNA of a human with that of a creature who possessed a rock-solid exoskeleton: The noble cricket.

Unfortunately, due to Aldus' primitive understanding of cricket DNA, he accidentally used the strand that gave the cricket its chirping song rather than the strand that gave it a hard shell. So, after the child's long incubation period, they were stunned to find not a brilliant tank of a toddler, but instead a geeky kid who could make cricket noises.

....................

Dave, yeah, women. The bitches!

This song might cheer you up. I wish Amish could hear it too. I think he would appreciate it's deep meaning.

EDIT:

You'll never believe the headline I ran across after writing this post.

Novus Caninum: Being Part Two of the Biography of the Man Known Only as Cricket

Cricket's mother and father knew what they had to do: that had to create new dogs! They would use Aldus Vorwald's knowledge of biology and Victoria Manfred's proficiency with edged weapons to create the most spectacular creatures the world had ever seen! Three-pronged Daggerweilers and Fanged Poodles and NeedleWeiners who could shoot quills out of their fat, goofy bodies in all directions, as is done by the porcupine-o! The world would be a-spin!

.........

Dave, condolences. Feel free to lay it on us, brotha. Just pick up that card with the smiley face.

Yesterday at a retirement party downstairs:

WOMAN (older). You know who you remind me of?

ME. Who?

WOMAN. Harry Potter!

ME. Oooooh…kay. My glasses aren't quite thick enough.

WOMAN. But see!? You wear glasses!

No offence to Kelly or Mau

WOMEN SUCK. A LOT.

Useless trivia

If you're bored and want to learn some useless facts, this is a good place to go.

Also, what do you guys think of these shoes?

Its so widdle!

I came across the cutest damn game today at work for the NES. Its The Real Ghostbusters II. Not the craptastical Acclaim game, but HAL Laboratory game, the folks that brought you Earthbound and Kirby and Lolo. The characters look like Ness and you can play as all the team: Ray, Egon, Peter, Winston, and even Louis. Its fandamntastic. If yall have an NES emulator, you should seriously look into this game.

Go to my deviantart now. NOW.

Read.

The last story here is damn excellent.

Its about time this happened

Hey guys, not much to say, except that Dave's dream kind of, sort of, well eerily is slightly correct.
Today, I became what we all dreamt we could be.
A bartender.
So fellas, I'm now your new best friend.

Up the Down

I was at the school's library and I saw this interesting sign:

For the love
of GOD do not reshelf
the books yourself. That is the
librarian's only purpose of living.
Please put books on the red carts.

I just thought that was the best damn thing ever. And these are on all the book shelves. Not one. All of them.

Anywho...If I come back to Iowa MARCH 25th...CAN WE PLEASE DO SOMETHING WITH DAVE?! I will have a guest w/ me too if that will persuade something. She can also drink some of you under the table.

With the cartoons, so goes society.

Speaking of cartoons; has anyone watched any network cartoons lately? No? I don't blame you. It's sad. I remember looking forward to getting up early on Saturday mornings, just so I didn't miss any of the cartoons. I loved those cartoons. They helped to mold me into the person I am today. My life was founded, in large part, on cartoons.

Judging from what I know of the rest of you, I'm not alone.

And I didn't have any fancy Cartoon Network or even Nikelodeon. I had ABC, CBS and I think Fox even made a late appearence. NBC had a few cartoons early on but they seemed to dissipate slowly and sports shows eventually took their place. NBC probably gave up after they ran that cartoon about Bo Jackson, Michael Jordan and Larry Bird...anyway I think that was the three characters. Do you guys remember that? It was the three sports heros turned superheros and they fought evil people who didn't play fair! It was the laughing stock of the Saturday morning cartoon world.

Ryan recently took me back to that world when he bought a the COPS DVD. Remember them? I didn't until I saw the opener. This was long before the "bad boys", these gusy were "Fighting crime in a future time!" Whevever I see cartoons I used to watch when I was little, I expect that I won't like them. My taste in cartoons should have matured since I was eight. But that doesn't seem to be the case; COPS is still pretty cool.

The list of cartoons I've forgotten about is probably longer than the ones I remember. Does anyone remember Dinosaucers(sic) ? What about The Snorkels? James Bond Jr.? StuntDogs? (Or maybe it was Stuntdawgs) James Bond Jr. and StuntDogs were definately Fox. I watched them in the morning before I would go to school. They weren't the best, but they are way better than the shit Fox plays on weekday mornings today.

Just look at Fox's lineup.

Saturdays
7:00 am Digimon
7:30 am Shinzo
8:00 am Beyblade G Revolution
8:30 am Power Rangers Dino Thunder (Power Rangers S.P.D. Begins 2/5)
9:00 am Super Robot Monkey Team Hyper Force Go!
9:30 am W.I.T.C.H.
10:00 am Digimon
10:30 am Dragon Booster
11:00 am Spider-man
11:30 am X-Men

Sundays
7:00 am Digimon
7:30 am Shinzo
8:00 am Beyblade G Revolution
8:30 am Power Rangers Dino Thunder (Power Rangers S.P.D. Begins 2/6)
9:00 am Super Robot Monkey Team Hyper Force Go!
9:30 am W.I.T.C.H.
10:00 am Digimon
10:30 am Dragon Booster
11:00 am Power Rangers Generations
11:30 am Power Rangers Generations

Weekdays
7:00 am Digimon
7:30 am Digimon
8:00 am Power Rangers Generations
8:30 am Beyblade

This morning I watched Power Rangers Generations and the first two minutes of Beyblade. (These times must be Eastern)

The only reason I even stopped was because I saw a Ninja Turtle. And man did I love the shit out of those bastards! I liked Raphael because he wore the RED bandana, and red is the international color of badass!

So yeah, Ninja Turtle was on my TV screen and I was mesmurized. Especially since it wasn't a cartoon Ninja Turtle at all. This was a movie-style Ninja Turtle. Rubbery suit and all. And he was fighting these metallic-looking dudes wearing rocketeer helmets and wielding these big knifey things. It was great.

Until the fucking Power Rangers showed up and ruined the whole show.

What network genius thought that Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles would make a good mix? "They both know martial arts, they must have grown up together. Let's have them play!" Yeah, it had to be someone who works for Fox.

And then, out of morbid curiosity, I continued watching the show. I just wanted to see if it could get any more sqrewed up. And boy, I wasn't dissipointed. They did a close-up of one of the turtles and I thought something didn't look quite right about his torso. It only took a few seconds before I realized, "HOLY SHIT THAT TURTLE HAS TITS!"

Yep, Turtle tits.

At first I thought Leonardo got a sex change, but eventually they did a wide shot and I did a head count. 1-2-3-4-shit, yeah there's five. They added a female turtle. Proof that this women's lib thing has gone too far.

Finally that frankensteinian abomination ended, but I left the the TV on that channel. Not for long. Two minutes into Beyblade, I'd had enough.

I'm not even sure what Beyblade was about. From what I could tell, these little Pokemon-esque characters ran around screaming and throwing spinning tops at one another. Monsters would pop out of the tops and roar at one another. So there's lots of screaming and roaring and spinning. It was like I was watching a debate in the Senate!

Not surprisingly, the tops looked exactly like those toys where you pull a serrated plastic zipline and it would whip the top around way faster than your tiny, 8-year-old hands could ever manage. The have a sharp edge to make them look extreme, too. They were about five minutes worth of fun. Now this cartoon is pimping them out. There's gotta be a toy marketing angle on any network cartoon nowadays, didn'tcha know?

I haven't watched any Saturday morning cartoons in a long time, but after reading Fox's lineup I'm not sure if I would want to. I especially wanted to point out the title Super Robot Monkey Team Hyper Force Go!. Animators are on crack, that's all I have to say.

Considering that I watched relatively normal cartoons when I was little and I still turned out messed up, imagine what the Yu-Gi-Oh! generation is going to end up like. Dave, please, graduate quickly so you can start making good cartoons. These kids need a good ol' fashioned episode of COPS, or maybe a half-hour dose of The Smurfs to straigten their twisted little minds out.

Slimfast Experience

Yesterday I almost bought Frapuccino at Wal-Mart, but Alyssa pointed out the unholy extended family of vitamins in another breakfasty drink: (que heavy music)SLIMFAST. Well, I thought, how bad can a chocolatey "milkshake" drink be?

I popped the top and sniffed the drink on my way to work. If you'd like to experience this sensation, here's what you can do: Hop online and spend a few minutes creating a convincing profile for yourself, then go into an Iowa chat room and convince a few teenage boys that you're a horny little dirty girl and you want to do things to them that they can't imagine. You're going to want to spend some time here, because this part is key to the whole mess. Anyway, once they agree to meet you in the woods behind a local cemetary (any cemetary, it doesn't matter), you're good.

When they get there, you're either going to have to have a good wig or impressive skills with a net. A tranq gun might work as well. Ideally you can use the wig to lure them into one of the cemetary's mausoleums. Make sure to sit nearest the door. Try not to think about the rotting matter just inches from you. Once the teenagers start getting excited, get out of that place and slam the door.

You'll want to have a book of the occult on hand. Ready? Ok, now use that book to call up the Walking Dead. Go away. Come back the next day with a shotgun, fight your way back to the mausoleum, open it up, blast the fiends, and clean up the chewed brains and organs that are left of the teenagers. Put them in a cardboard box. Leave it out in the sun in the back dashboard of your car for three weeks. Then open it. This will simulate the smell of chocolate slimfast.

To simulate the taste, repeat the experiment but only leave the box in the sun for about a day.

Oh no...I think I ate your chocolate-covered squirrel....

This quarter is the official About Fucking Time That I Start Making Cartoons Quarter. OH RAPTURE. For now though....I have to make a walk cycle, which is just Loveless (FOES) walking from stage left to stage right. Its all complicated. To simplify it for you all, I have to make a minimum of 60 animation frames, and our FPS is somewhere between 4 and 8, and Ill be doing a lot of cycling. What is cycling? Watch a cartoon. See how often a character maintains an action that is repeated over and over for affect. That is cycling. SO.....Loveless walks, gets mad, starts swinging a sword, blows shit up, laughs meniacally.....but I wont ruin it for you all. Itll fucking rock solid ass from here to over there.

Check my devintart soon here to see my progress. Fools.

Has anyone else seen John Stewart's (sic) interview on Crossfire? Do a search with all y'alls high speed connections for the video of it. He REALLY reams the hosts for butchering their fare-and-balanced practice of the news. Eventually, he gets pissed off enough to say "You all are just as big of DICKS in person as you are on TV." And then they cut to commercial. Oh yeah. . . They got owned.

Hierarchy of Candy

I pretty much agree with this list, though I would definitely rank Nerds above 'Necco Wafers,' since I have no clue what those are. Opinions?

An Afternoon Story -- OR -- Why You Should Never Dial 3443

Tim was reading the blog. Or was he looking at boingboing? Who the hell knows? Everything blurs together at this time of day.

The phone rang. It was Shelly's phone. Shelly was the research assistant, and her phone was always ringing after she left at noon. Almost always, the calls concerned research projects. Tim pushed away from his desk and walked to Shelly's phone.

"Resource Unit, this is Tim."

"Is Bill Clark there?"

"This is his wife's phone," Tim said. "She just left for the day. I can find Bill's number for you."

"The lady transferred me to this number."

"Right," Tim said. Right. "Well, she must have made a mistake. Just a second and I'll find that number for you."

"I dialed 3443," the woman said. She wasn't angry, just confused, and maybe agitated.

"Okay," Tim said. "Well, you can either call the receptionist and have her try again, or I'll get that number off my computer."

"The lady transferred me here."

" . . . Well, what would you like to do?"

"I dialed 3443."

"I'm gonna go get that number, okay?"

". . ."

Tim stalked over to his computer. He fired up his phone directory. He very nearly fired up a google search on cheap torture devices, with a separate window open for methods of discreetly finding the names and addresses of people on the other ends of telephones. But he had lunch to eat.

"Okay. You said you dialed 3443?"

"Right. And then they transferred me here."

"Well, that's his number. Do you want to try again?"

"They transferred me to this number. Do they have the same last name?"

"Yes. Anderson."

"The lady transferred me here. She must have messed up."

"Well, good luck getting through."

"I dialed 3443."

In other news, don't eat low-fat ranch dressing. DON'T EVER EVER EAT IT. I know that comparisons between ranch dressing, mayo, etc. and semen are overdone, but there's a reason for that.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words.

Never imbibe a marijuana cigerette. Marijuana is an illegal drug, and very bad for your mental and physical health. Only dirty, unemployed street trash smoke marijuana.

You should especially heed that warning if you're watching last night's episode of ATHF. Did everyone see that? Or was I hallucinating? It involved the Mooninites and a belt that played classic rock and mind control...at the same time! The fry man had "double vision"...tee hee.
It didn't work on the cup. But it wasn't necessary, because he willingly did the stupid things they asked him to do. Finally, Carl snatched the belt away in a dizzying show of acrobatics and ropework. Err...no I guess he just sort of walked up and took it from them.

Ohhh...shit.. It was funny.

QUOTE OF THE DAY!!!

This is something I just read on McSweeny's. I suggest reading the whole story, but I'll give you my favorite sample:

"Larry, Kyle, and Janet had been friends forever. She treated them like brothers and they, in turn, treated her like a sister. A sister whose image they could fantasize about and then later, when it was dark, masturbate to."

What I Will Tell my Grandchildren When I am 80

What was it like being popular in high school? Lots of orgies. Lots of
oranges. I don't know why but the local grocers gave us free oranges.
They would mail them in large crates to the Popular Kids, c/o the high
school, and we just knew who we were. So did the principal (as the
spelling makes clear, he was our "pal").

I can still hear the clack of his wheelbarrow bouncing over the tiled
hallways, pushing those oranges toward our classrooms. He'd
whistle--always the same song. Whenever we heard the tune to "Part of
Your World" from the hallway, we knew it was time for some citrus.

Alcohol? No. No, goddamn it, absolutely not. (One time we let the
oranges sit in the back of my convertible--free, by the way, a gift
from the other kids, who pooled their ice cream money--for a week, and
then they were rank and smelled like vodka.)

[insert clever title here]

Well, I'm back to school. Yay for that biz. I was taking 21 hours, however the first week was pretty intense, and I had no time at all, so I dropped it down to 16 hours. It's still going to be pretty hardcore, just with the classes that I have, but I think I'll be okay.
As for things on the homefront, I don't know anything more about my dad's heart stuff. He was supposed to get his testing done on Wednesday, but couldn't because of the weather, so we're waiting another week.
That's about all I've got for now. So, I hope all is well with everyone else.
Ciao

All I need is a good westward wind and a star to guide me.

EDIT Finally, someone sees it as I do.

Freaky deaky. My last two nites have had the most fuckered up dreams. So fuckered up that Im going to broadcast them to the entire world.

Tuesday nites: Me and Andy were told by Ryan that this year, the Follies were going to take place the entire week of Restoration Days. Cool sounding? Yes. And they were going to be held in the Multi Purpose Room instead of the Barbary Coast. Problem was that Tim wussed out to go to Brazil (???) with his girlfriend and Ryan bitched out and stayed in Des Moines. So Andy and I had to do each and every nite of the follies. Not too bad...but Dave Paxton ordered us to do COMPLETELY NEW material everynite. The first nite we did Irish stuff. The second nite we did star wars stuff...but people didnt really laugh. The third nite we did snowman jokes...and got booed. The fourth nite we promised Ryan would be there but we basically got him on the phone on stage and bitched him out. That created an angry looting mob. There was fire and death and riots all over Albia. Dave Paxton grabbed me and Goatley, threw us up against a wall and told us "You have destroyed EVERYTHING I care about!!!"

Wednesday nite: Me and Goatly (again) are bored. Kelly calls us to say shes working that nite. The thing is shes working at Shotgun Willies, Denver's equal to Big Earl's Goldmine (Spooooooooky Wignall's haven). Shes not a stripper, so dont worry. Shes just a bartender. Anywho....we get there and no one is there. Kells Andy and I hang out w/ a drunk guy whos so anebriated (sic) that he cant get off the floor. Kelly gets a call saying theres a 30+ person party coming in and theyre all from Bali, India. So Goat and I go to the "runway" and watch as Indian geeks get beat up by strippers. Nasty strippers. It gets wierder. Goat and I start to get sleepy drunk...but this one Indian girl gets all up on Andy and this dirty old man keeps asking me if theyre going to show the new StrongBad on the bar's TVs. I look over to Kelly at the bar and she is frantically mouthing "FUCK NO".

So basically, I need to stop smoking rocks before I go to bed.

Lucas, streaking through a supermarket.

Quote I just read in Dave Eggers's "You Shall Know Our Velocity!": "In the dark we'd pulled up to the gas station with a food mart and cafe attached, and the twelve people in the cafe inside had stared as if we were driving a hovercraft with bloody bodies strapped to the hood."

Dave, I checked out your pictures. The ones developed off the secret Lost Roll of Film of the Skeltron People. Pictures of The House (the trailer one, not the spooky one), of Marie's legs, and of Lauren. Jamie. JamesPucas. Wow, I haven't seen Lucas in a while.

Lava tastes like sour.

Hot damn. My first and fuckered up paycheck will yield me over $600. Thats more then Tim gets from man-whoring himself out.

As for my first week of classes? They are fine. I have to make a 30 second cartoon this quarter! Whoooo-friggin-oooot. More than likely besides a walk cycle Ill have Spooooooky Wignall eat Muuuuligan's ribs and buuuuuuuuuurried him out in the wilderness. If only I could convey the Scary Cthulu voice (Tim & Kells know about it) then youd all be in a world of hurt.

From the DM Register

Bigfoot Alert

Tame that honeymoon stallion for us.

Im pretty sure this says it all about the future of America.

Best game ever. I am this game's concubine.

Before I begin: my partner here at work just asked me how to make a Roman numeral one with a keyboard.

On to the main post:

Holy feces throwing orphans, I just remembered this bad-fucking-ass game Carol has. Vampire Hunter!, I think it was called...you may remember it from ads. Play centers around this dual-light tower in the center of the board. One of the dice determines day or night, and you flip the switch on the light accordingly, alternating between red and blue light. In red light villagers can turn into werewolves, and in blue light stone walls can reveal hidden passageways. Holy shit, this was the coolest kids game ever conceived of, by anyway. It's probably the coolest thing at all, ever conceived of by anyone. I can't even write sensibly about it.

Let me just say that it's even cooler than Cherry Vani...that unnamable soda.

I'm thinking, I should have tried to stay with Carol just for that board game. You should all go buy it, too. You're going to need a time machine, though, because when she bought it KB was selling truckloads of them for five bucks a pop.

Oh, I just found a boingboing review. Fucking boingboing reviewed this game. If that doesn't tell you something, jeez, you should probably get some fake whiskers and go live among the otter peoples.

the Ultimate Refreshment

Enough of this CVDP and/or coffee shenanigans. You need Pirate Juice.

Dig?

You know, if George Bush had a mustache...or horns...

I'm still not sure which depiction of Bush I like better: Hitler or Anti-Christ/Satan

I'll let you decide.

Bush, der Fuhrer

and

A really good article in the Seattle Weekly


I got a call from Amish about an hour ago letting me know that he and Wes will be coming to Des Moines tonight to celebrate the new year. So far, he has planned to meet either Tim or myself here in Des Moines...and hopes for that to eventually segue into drinking.

If anyone would like to join, please contact any of the aforementioned drunkards. (Billy Bob, you will be getting attacked with the net again...this time we have a special sword-resistant net.)

There were horses and a guy on fire and I threw a trident and killed a man.

Well. Shit. Today was the quarterly move-in day. Fresh fish! Fresh fish! Fresh fish! ...not so much. Mostly guys. But I got to hang around the RAs and be important.

Has everyone seen Napoleon Dynamite? Its actually a lot better then I expectd. Take it--a MORMON made, wrote, directed, etc all of it and it was filmed in UTAH..but for what it was it was actually pretty funny. I recommend it.

PLUS: Theres a Godzilla movie at the Ottumwa Wal-Mart. Anyone want to buy it for Dave? The Wally Worlds out here dont seem to have it :( OMG ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111 Please shoot me.

Coffee Binge Drinking

I know none of us drink coffee, but to get our minds off CVDP, I propose a coffee drinking binge. Or coffee orgy. Or whatever you want to call it.

I got some today as an experiment and it's not too bad. Bitter and tasteless, mostly, but that's okay; 100 ounces of it should do something interesting regardless of taste.

So if you're interested in sitting around somewhere--probably Des Moines--and consuming a ridiculous amount of coffee, let me know.

CVDP: A Scientific Exploration

In the interest of science, I decided to launch my own investigation into the mysterious mysteries of Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. My schedule is already jam packed with writing, html meddling, and Halo playing (I lump all these activites under the broader heading of Carpal Tunnel Pursuit), but the median nerve is mortal while science is forever. So I let the investigation begin!

Step One: Investigation

I spat in the eye of scientific convention and dove right into the field with no preparation whatsoever. Road conditiones proved manageable, if a little slick, and so I made my way to QuikTrip at the top of my SW 9th Street. There I was sold two bottles of CVDP and, on impulse, a sixer of rolling rock. When will I drink this? Probably at 7:30 am, before work.

I expected the cherry flavor to carry the soda. My first clue that this would not be the case was the coloration: black as the heart of the Great Red Satan (Mediacom, of course).

I've found that my work output is greatly increased with the aid of a good, stimulating soda. But when I sat down with my laptop and cracked open one of those frosty bad boys, I found that the flavor was not only disappointingly normal, it was hardly cherry vanilla at all! I'd liken it to a partial-breed child with a full-on minority scholarship. It's maybe a sixth cherry vanilla, but it's milkin that pedigree for all it's worth.

Step Two: Find Pretty Graphic

This one kind of explains itself. Here you go.

Fear and Loathing in the Soda industry

Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper

I'm not joking.

When I scanned the vending machine this morning, looking for something tasty to drink, I could hardly believe my eyes. In fact, I had to look twice.

The temptation was almost overwhelming.

The fear was stronger.

I got an orange juice. But if I eventually give in to the temptation, I'll let you know how it goes.

UPDATE:

Okay, I gave in. I decided to make CVDP (as it will henceforth be called) the lunchtime companion to my chicken and rice soup. I highly recommend the soup, especially the Progresso brand. The soda...isn't something I would drink regularly.

It has a very interesting taste. If you've ever had Dr. Slice, that's what I would compare it to. In fact, it's almost EXACTLY like Dr. Slice.

When I took a closer look at the labeling, I noticed that the plastic sheet enwrapping the middle of the bottle had a badge verifying that, yes, this is indeed a "Soda Fountain Classic." So, I think it might just be a marketing ploy. They took Dr. Slice (a product that probably wasn't selling enough) and re-marketed it as CVDP. Clever.

BUT NOT CLEVER ENOUGH!!!

I see through your chicanery, Dr. Pepper/Seven-Up, Inc. Now I'm letting the world see your dipsy-doodle!

CVDP is rebottled Dr. Slice! It's Dr. Slice all gussied up to look vintage! Don't buy this product thinking that you'll be whisked away to a land of poodle skirts and soda jerks. The only jerks here are the marketing people at Dr. Pepper/Seven-Up, Inc.

How dare they take advantage of the already near-retarded American populous. It's like selling a blind kid a bird with no head. Seriously.

I'm just glad that companies like Wells Fargo Financial are above such practices....

Yeah...I'm gonna go light myself on fire now.

Why I will be in Jail for Homicide within the Weekend..or maybe up Till Wednesday, if I am Lucky.

So I started thinking: boy howdy dowdy, I'd like to have an NES (right now, before any of this gets underway, you need to know that this is a bad idea. You'll see why soon, but right now, before little 8-bit Luigis and Excitebike guys start dancing in your head, forget the whole idea). I called Gamers first. They had an NES without any cords. Well, jeez, thanks. I needed a twenty-five dollar coaster.

None of the other game stores in DM had them either. Amazon sells a piratey Japanese knockoff. Then, wonderfully Ebay shone down. Problem: I wanted a NES now, to play with Alyssa this weekend. Solution: one of the Ebay entries was based out of Marshalltown, and was selling two controllers, cords, 14 games, lightgun. Hot diggity damn, thought I.

$76 dollars and a few emails later Alyssa and I were on the road to Marshalltown. This trip took about 1.5 hours, meaning .25 hours more than it should have. (The entire staff of Mapquest.com are now incinerated, and will probably be found in a mass grave hastily dug in the ruins of Machu Pichu within the next five days. Give or take a few, depending on local holidays.) Then we got to the place, and this 30'sish woman came to the door, along with five children. Did we want to inspect the merch? Well, the place was wild with the kids,so we inspected in the car. I unwrapped a few games, fiddled with the lidofthe NES, felt for the cords, etc. We went to Perkins and were served by an emaciated blonde. The pancakes were delicious. I recommend them with double berry sauce. Unfortunately, this experience did nothing to rival the Perkins pancake experience Bil, Goat and I had in Oskaloosa several years ago (remember, brunette waitress?).

Got home and, whoopsadoodles, the sellers thought the SNES adapter was the same as the NES. I spent five minutes trying to decide whether molotovs or flaming arrows were the best way to destroy a house, but then decided fuck it. I could have ordered one on Ebay but the whole reason I'd driven to Marshalltown was to get the fucking system this weekend. Oh well. We drove to Ames and forgot about it.

This morning: email from the seller: (the quote is not exact, but close:) "Hey, sorry. I'll see if I have one, and I'll ship it."

next: "Could you go mail that SNES adapter to me? I need it for a different auction..."

I was thinking about doing it, what with the karma and all. But then Alyssa and I went to radioshack and bought an adapter...it was marked for a sega, but the guy assured us it would work and actually tested it at the story. Yay.

Then we got home and..guess what! Mario Bros. works about 30% of the time, Doc Mario 10%, and everything else not at all! (although I did get Double Dragon II and Burgertime up for about five mins each).

That's where I'm at now. Murderous. Violently murderous. And if you're wondering, the auction listed all these things as tested and working wonderfully. Just like my dad's fucking shotgun...but even that will warrant a test, I think...