Post from the other day, plus a new bit, MOBILE!

Kevin called last night to tell me the news about Kenny's mother—his
girlfriend saw it in the paper, or heard it from someone, or is a
superhero and senses these things, or something. So I'd like to send
an email or something at least—so, anyone know his email addy? And
would that be too—annoying? Like, here's some jackass who hardly knows
my mother offering vaguely general condolences? Hopefully not. Well,
ethics committee: rule.

Hmm. Hard to move on in a post after something like that.

The Rominger trip was good, and definitely made gooder by the
appearance of the funky jolt. Of course, it's old jolt in a new can;
Josh (KG) recommends the slogan "the original energy drink." Which is
pretty much accurate. But oh, the Rommysylum: anyone else notice that
something was weird about the ceilings and floors and walls in that
place? Like they were slightly off
, tilted just a little? It was like being in the head of an insane
character in a police drama. I kept waiting for the whole apartment to
slide off its frame and to the ground below.

While there we saw some guy walking his dog. Big guy, black cloth
coat, ballcap. From behind, it could have been Amish. Except Amish was
in the apartment too. Which makes me think that Amish has had so
much…experience with black book videos that his body's just gone
completely asexual, and he's going through some sort of
entire-organism mitosis. So Jack Daniel's stock will go up. But here:
how many Amish lookalikes are there in the Midwest? 10 at least? I
mean, close enough that from behind or maybe even head-on, after
growth of beard, they could look enough like him to make you
double-take. Well, wouldn't it be kickass if we could get those 10
together and dress them the same and have them swarm Kum and Go or
something? Damn, that would be incredible. I don't remember where I
was—Grinnell, maybe, or UNI—but more than one person told me my
doppelganger was about. So these things must be everywhere.

My coworkers are convinced that we will all be carried away by
tornado, tsunami, etc. by day's end. I'm saying: no. Opinions?

NEW Whoa! I'm in Java Joe's, downtown DM--on the damn internet! I knew this wireless crap would come in handy. This place is great, by the way--Goathead and I have been talking about coming here some night before a bar, to spend some sober time in a cool environment. It's got the best aspect of a bar--you can sit around as long as you like and buy just one drink, or no drinks, or a veggie burger, or a bagel, or a latte, or whatever the hell you want. And yes, they have newcastle. Thank God. Because I have one right now.

Alyssa is here, writing a letter. I am supposed to be writing a brilliant novel but am instead WRITING TO YOU PEOPLE! You'd better feel damned appreciated.

Gravity still makes us fall

Where is Dave?

The blog just isn't the same without Dave's posts. Since the posting community seems to be limited to Tim, Dave, Kelly and myself lately...and Dave is in Albia with limited to no internet access...this makes for a boring blog. Some of us are counting on this for entertainment, dagnabit!

Warm today, warm yesterday. Even warmer today than yesterday....

Oh she came in on the CB, said her name was Mi-mi, sounded like an angel come to earth! come to earth

Went on down to see her, and boy you should see her, just as tall as me and twice the girth. twice the girth

Oh my baby loves to eat! loves to eat Yes, my big fat baby loves to eat! loves to eat

So we were at Grrt's new place on Saturday night. It is truely huge. I was a non-believer at first, but I've been converted. We could hide at least twenty bodies in that apartment. EASY! As long as we kept plenty of air fresheners around, of course.

Saturday night was punctuated by random acts of insanity/drunkeness. When Jimmy is involved I'm never sure if it's a mental disorder or a chemical imbalance. Either way, at one point in the night he was perched atop the refrigerator throwing a bag of ice down upon the kitchen floor. Then the ice bag spewed its contents all over the floor...allowing for some fun sliding action.

That Jimmy, what a nutcase. I still have marks on my leg where he bit me that night. I hope he had his shots.

I think the highlight of the evening was the conversation at Romminger's apartment. They had us over for supper and we stayed for something like four hours just talking. I had almost forgotten what it was like to just have a nice sober conversation among friends. We should do it more often. It was damn hillarious.

Has anyone tried the new Jolt? It now comes in a big aluminum "I'm so extreme looking I must be an energy drink" bottle. The contents haven't changed much, but the opening ceremony is totally new, and extreme (of course). I don't want to totally spoil the surprise, but let's just say there is an explosive surprise! ;o)

Cause we control the chaos.

Good Friday? It's GREAT Friday!

Alright gents, what's exactly going on here this weekend? I have to be a barwench both tonight and tomorrow night, so what night [if any] are the majority of folks going to be in Albia? I plan on comming down either tonight or tomorrow night, so someone let me know. I will call someone when I'm getting off work (I should be done before 8:00) and point my little truck towards the great metropolis of Albia. I think Dave is en route, if not there already.
Anyways, someone call me and let me know what's going on, time to go study for my damnable Spanish test. Blah.
Everyone else have a good day!

Edit 12:30 pm: I will be returning to Albia Saturday night instead of tonight, and demmit, there had better be some folks there!
Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Those heartless prostitutes are only in it for the money...

To address previous comments not yet addressed:

1) Very well, I yield the camels on the Des Moines/Albia debate. Fighting was fierce but I was swayed and will be in Albia Saturday. Actually, I already was going to be. But now I will probably also be there Friday. Ooooooh.

2) Morgan is definitely right about that whole flag-planting-in-chisseled-human-remains theory; those are undeniably the most satisfying kills. I guess it's some unexplainable pleasure that comes from running with a flag, being blocked by some jackass in front of you who's madly shooting and yelling into his headset that "HE'SHEREHE'SHEREHE'SLEAVINGOHGODHEREBITCHHERETAKEITBITCH," and then dispatching said jackass with one simple blow to the head with the bottom of a fucking flag.

3) Puzzle pirates . . . has yet to capture me. I think I'm too antsy for it, even with all my pirate love.

4) The Fountain doesn't come out for about a million trillion years. Or at least a few months. How many of you have seen Pi, anyway? Scrote was an avid fan of that movie. I think I have his copy, actually…maybe.

5) I'll have to check out the "Bicuriosity . . . Satisfied" link at home, but it definitely is intriguing. With all the personal internet warnings we've been issued, accessing the blog is nerve-wracking enough. If I cut off in mid-sentence, it means that government bee-men buzzed up here and took me by the ankles. I'll at least hit 'post' on my way down.

As a concession to the fact that I should be doing something work-related (and this will be redundant because of the chat box): anyone know of jobs in Iowa for philosophy Ph.D.s? That aren't academic? No. No, I didn't think so. This is the sort of thing I have to look into alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll day. "He wants to be a full-time cartoonist…but he can't leave Knoxville" "Can you find employment openings for movie stuntmen in Des Moines?"

The word "derryberry" is coming to mind. Can anyone remember why? This is a real question. Damn it. Maybe it's just someone's last name. I'm seeing: TV news . . .

Ryan, the ridiculous technology that will replace karaoke as your one true calling is detailed at www.wired.com. Probably today only, and then you'd have to dig through the archives like an old man elbow-deep in the dumpsters behind the Adult Emporium.

Amish is not coming here tonight. In light of the upcoming Days of You People Who Aren't Usually Here, I might do the old man thing and stay in tonight.

Bil took some pretty niftywifty shots of . . . what some of us were doing . . . last time I was at his abode. Still thinking about putting those up? Just curious.

The bastard with the car sold it someone else. TO SOMEONE ELSE! God damn you, Bastard with the Car! I had a pocket full of money! Now I'm going to send that money to the credit card people and YOU will not get it! Damn you to hell. Damn you to hell's gay bar.

Yesterday, whilst listening to a little Tales from the Crypt audio (hokey, so terribly hokey), I read disability newsletters. Several contained news that really seemed quite whiney. First a lot of disabled newswriters are pissed because of government usage of words like 'handicapped' and 'slow.' Okay, heard of that before. Then a lot are upset because a cerebral palsy kid got tranferred from one department to the other at wal-mart. Then a bunch were pissed off about the movie 'million dollar baby' depicting the assisted-suicide of a handicapped person. Then, finally, the last one: an article criticizing prostitutes in the UK of being 'too cold' and 'uncaring' when they were visited for services. One disabled writer complained, in all seriousness, that 'they're only in it for the money.'

PLUS:Albia News classifieds. Melrose is selling the school? And what the hell is a "womanized" wooden handicap ramp?

What an incredible smell you've discovered

I tee-totally agree about the Star Wars cartoons. They are rockin hard. Due, I feel, mostly to the animators being the same genius' who brought us Samurai Jack. Give Samurai Jack a lightsaber and some force powers and oh hoooo buddy...you got your self a gumbo full of asskickin!

The dialouge is even pretty good, which amazed me. Jack is bereft of dialouge, good or otherwise. Mostly just long scenes of intense face-pounding action! No talk, just kick!

The most recent installment on the website starts out with an exchange between a commander and a battle droid which absolutely had me near pant soilage. Let me share:

A reptillian commander stands in crimson military dress. He is talking to himself, or perhaps to the battle droid standing next to him. It's hard to tell. The battle droid has a pair of those fancy Star Wars binoculars. He's scanning the field ahead, looking for the emenies. Behind them, deep lines of super-duper battle droids (the ones with the wrist blaster thingys) stand waiting.

Commander: I wonder how many they'll send

We've got so much firepower in here, these walls are ray sheilded, they can't take this fort.
It'll probably be uhh....fifty Jedi...they'll need at least that many.

Or maybe a hundred Jedi! They'll never take this base with less. Heh. They'll need an army of Jedi! HA HA HA

Battle Droid: I have a visual.

C: Jedi?

BD: I think so.

C: How many? A thousand?

BD: No.

C: Eighty?

BD: No sir.

C: What? Fifty?

BD: Less.

C: Forty? Com'n, how many?

BD: Two.

C: WHAT! Gimme those!

And the two Jedi leap into the base, deftly smashing the shit out of stuff with their lightsabers. Oh yeah, shit was smashed...deftly!

....it's a jailbreak, get the bloodhounds!

I really don't like living in Des Moines. I also don't like living by myself. So living in Des Moines, by myself, sucks gorrilla nutsack.

I feel like I've been locked inside an asylum, given a twelve-pack of beer and internet access and told, "Don't pee on the carpet!" Then left alone. (By the way, I haven't peed on the carpet.)

So I was thinking about how much cheaper it would be if I could just live with my parents and work somewhere nearby. Plus, then I wouldn't be so damned lonely. Well, then it hit me like boot full of bumblebees, "Maybe I could commute from Melrose!"

I did the math, and if I spent $15 a day in gas (let's hope the gas prices don't get too much higher) then it would only cost about $300 a month to commute. That's WAY cheaper than my rent. I also wouldn't have to pay utilities.

The biggest drawback would be the two and a half hours a day I would spend driving. That wouldn't leave much time for things like working out and playing video games. There's no gym in Melrose, so the working out thing would be difficult anyway. I suppose I could spend some of the extra cash on fitness equiptment, but it still wouldn't be the same.

Well, that's what happens when a boot full of bumblebees hits you. At first you're like, "Alright, it's a boot! That will solve all of my bootless problems!" Then you're like, "Awww hell this boot is full of bees! Oh damn, now they're stinging the shit out of me!"

I need to get out of this town.

i'm feeling a little curious...a little bi-curious...

So tonight, after much intrigue and manipulation, I scored a visit to this guy in Newton who's selling a cheap sexy car. Well, the car was in excellent condition and fit directly into my budget, so I said "I'd like to buy it tonight." What does he say? Well, he told someone else he'd let them look at it tomorrow. I think about the wad of hundreds in my jacket pocket. I'll buy it now. Well, uh, well, dur, uh, heh, hyuck, why are you holding a shotgun? he sure told them he'd let them see it, and he'll call me if they don't want it. What the fuck? God damn him and his excellent, inexpensive, well-maintained car.

Holy federal agents, Batman--TNT plays X-Files all night. Alyssa is near death with a cold and I'm watching TV in the living room. Howdy doody!

As stated in the chat sec: does the 9 pm meeting time mean Thurs. or Fri.? Either is fine--with any luck I'll have to be here in DM Saturday morning to register a car. My address is 7502 Royal Road, which is about five minutes from Southridge Mall. So failing your finding of my address, I can meet you--whoever you is--at the mall.

And I will likely be in town Saturday night, unless an overwhelming majority wants to be in DM. Pretty much I'm at the will of the people.

Here's a techno song we thought of:

Before we begin:

'Bumbababum' means a sort of trady (where trady means traditional) techno song entrance, heavy on the bass.

"Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" means a sort of tongue-rolling drumbeat declining in pitch.

Well, to hell with this. The basics are that it goes like this.

Bumbababumbaba bum...

MALE VOICE: I'm feelin a little curious

Bumbababumbaba bum...

SAME VOICE: A little BI . . . curious.

(drums pick up)

FEMALE VOICE: I'M feeling a little curious.

Bumbababablahblah

FEMALE VOICE: A Little BI . . . curious.

(drums continue, as is predictable)

MALE VOICE, ENTHUSIASTIC: I'M FEELIN A LITTLE CURIOUS! A LITTLE BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII CURIOUS!

DRUMS EXPLODE. SOUND OF MAN-ON-MAN MOANING COMMENCE.

I think you get the idea of the song.

...

Whilst I toiled in the research mines, dredging deep wells of popups, humor sites, and author interviews for gems relating to my employment, my girlfriend took the liberty of writing a post. In a generous show of . . . generosity, I'm going to put it up:

Hello, friends of Tim. This is Alyssa, the girlfriend. Some of you may know me as 'that girl that Tim talks about sometimes' some of you may know me from such events as new years, and that bar where I called some guy a jackass.

my other attempts at leaving a brief message at this site were thwarted by my boyfriend. My first message was a detailed tribute to Tim's handsomeness and sexiness, to which he said, "they all know of my highly-publicized deductive abilities and almost superhuman physique" and "There is no way I'm posting that." The second time was maybe two weeks ago, and I was writing an informative, riveting essay about halo. Had I not slipped in a joke about the stupidity of southern Iowans (hilarious, hilarious joke about southern Iowans) you maybe have actually gotten to read that one, but it vanished in a mysterious "I must have pushed the wrong button and now everything you typed is gone!" incident. Tim is allowing me to write a message for the first time in regards to something spectacular in my life.
Not long ago I began experimenting with a strange unusual thing known as
a first person shooter….. and on my mystical quest, battling alien after human, after guys named after aqua teen, I began to realize, I was developing a rather hearty blood lust.
I wanted to share with you all my astounding accomplishment, because I have observed that some of you
live
breathe
halo- or at least … like to play it sometimes.
Last night I got 6 kills in one game! Breaking my previous record by two shots! I screamed with joy, tears rolling down my cheeks as I shouted- oh my god, Tim do you see that???? yes I know it sounds amazing, 6 kills, in one game! That was like my previous grand total. I was still in last place, but so what!? It was a feat worth mentioning.

...

Tim again: about her learning experience at Halo: Let's just say that after her third game, the entire post-game conversation consisted of "you fucking nigger. You jew. God, I can't believe you oriental Mexican whitebitch got one kill." At which point I completely snapped and said something into the headset asking the guy why he was playing a training game by himself if he'd already got to the point where he can yell at newbies. And as much gaming as I do, when the hell did all the racial slurs turn into abbreviated forms of "you must not have mastered the skills of the game yet"? Grorg.

...

So my apartment company told me that I could move out, as long as I move to one of their properties, and don't move until May 1. They told me to go look at apartments now. Well, they have about three two-bedroom apts. Alyssa and I went to one and the guy was appalled that I wasn't going to rent it for April, in addition to my current Apt. Nevermind that rent is $535 and deposit is $400, and so my total resident expenses for the month would have been $1345...if I wanted to live in Des Moines, I should have thought of that before.

...

Anyone planning on being up here during the week next week? Alyssa just started working here in DM and thus will be staying with me, and thus there's not really much room for overnighters in this little cardboard box of a living quarters, but I'm up for most anything else any night of next week.

...

I just got, in the mail, an excellent set of radio plays in the tradition of Tales From the Crypt, produced by the SciFi channel's Seeing Ear Theater. Haven't listened to them yet, but they promise to be excellent. Hey, one is called "Zombie!" Can you argue that? No. No you can't.

...

Skully is so hot.

...

OH! (this is my third edit) We need to get John an account. I know he's not well-known, especially among the admins, but Goat and Wells and me and Kelly, to some degree, can vouch for his excellence. Yes, he is excellent. Yes, he has better writing skills than your average bear. Yes, he is still a student and so I envy him, envy him more than Solomon, who not only had a shitload of gold but also IMMORTALITY, and is anyone going to go see The Fountain with me, made by the guy who made Pi, and which is about a guy whose wife has a terminal illness and so he (of course) travels through time in search of a cure? Yes. Yes, you are going to go to that movie with me. And yes, you will probably grant John an account. Or membership. Or whatever you call this. He tells me he's ready to undergo any sort of homoerotic hazing. And yes, he means ANY sort.

Im not Dracula either, but I got what it takes.

So yeah. Im ready to be done with this quarter. Im drivin home on a wing and a prayer. Turns out a few last minute expendatures dwindled my "safe" cash. I should be alright...as long as gas doesnt spike over 2.20 a gallon. How are the prices in Iowa? I cant find anything on em.

My final portfolio junk is to begin to be worked on as of....oh...now. So that means I might draw some of you fockers on my breaks till the end. Also, Im now working out how my 3d demo reel is goin to work out. So far I have the notion of doing a karaoke bar and showcasing a character singing (to show my emotion rendering and lip syncing) then do some "natural" actions for em. Rest assured Im squeezing in the beginning to have the Sifl & Olly "Canadian Dracula" thing...and somewhere a pirate and a ninja will flip out and sword fight. So what karaoke song am I thinkin of? Well, I plan on having the singing go on the entire time (minus the Canadian Dracula part) but have about 5 or so voice actors singin parts of the song. WHAT SONG, YOU IGNORANT PAMPOOSE you may be asking. Well...either Low Places or Hit Me with Your Best Shot. HMWYBS is probably the stronger piece...seeing how itll be funny to see a giant demon armor behemoth of a villain singing "Youre a real tough cookie with a long history..."

you all want to voice act? Well...shit...ill work on that. Damn macs dont have text editors on their blog posts.

Yo ho ho and a bottle of--puzzle solving action!

Wes is right about Puzzle Pirates; it is like mind-blowing pirate orgy! That was how he described it, wasn’t it?

I spent a couple hours dinking around with it yesterday afternoon and found it hard to pull myself away. It isn’t quite as addictive as Nirvana (yet) but there seems to be almost as wide a variety of fun things to play with. A lot of them require more money than I’ve been able to make, but they sure do sound cool! Instead of disemboweling demons and elementals and Simpson’s characters you have to solve different kinds of puzzles.

So one might think the disemboweling would have the advantage, but I’m not so sure. Puzzle Pirates has graphics, for one thing. It also has the awesome piratey theme with jobs that vary from bilge pumping to rum distilling. I spent about half of the time I played distilling rum. I am a rum-making wizard now, for sure.

This game couldn’t have come along at a more opportune time either. Friday night I played what might amount to be my last Halo 2 online game for a few weeks.

I am totally fed up with the cheating. If someone on the other team wasn’t cheating, then it was someone on my team! No one wants to play the game anymore; apparently they just want to see who can best manipulate their modem. It’s all about rank, you know.

More good news: Doom 3 is coming out for the Xbox at the beginning of April, and if it lives up to the first couple games (which it probably won’t), should be a demon-blasting barn dance of a good time.

Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory is also supposed to be really good…and would probably be more mentally engaging. The Metal Gear-style sneaking around and silently strangling your opponents does take a few more brain cells than arming yourself with a rocket launcher and firing at anything that moves. But with the latter you get those satisfying exploding sounds followed by the squish of exploding demon bodies.

Ahh… decisions decisions.

I'll run all of my gaming decisions through these girls from now on.

We came to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And we're all out of ass.

Ive never had a problem with spam. Until this month. Rob, the 1st floor RA, did one of them online things where you try out 3 products and you get a free game system. Legitimately, he tried out Blockbuster's dvd rental over the internet thing and signed up for info from 2 online colleges. Anyway, he got his system for mostly free. However, I tried the same thing and ended up with no extravagant products at my disposal. Free Viagra, "pre-approved" credit cards, cell phones for free....I ended up not finishing the damn online thing cuz it was just a pop up after a pop up of a pop up. I failed to realize they had my email roosterx@sluggy.net. Anywho to shorten this story, I tried to do the "stop sending me emails" on the junk but that just spreads my name out there worse then Amish's elders at a gangbang. So Im sittin with an account that gets about 40 emails a day on "great stock deals" and "free viagra" but nowhere in sight do you see "Hot barely legal teens want your cock bad!" I tell you where is the justice?

Im ceasing using that email, in short.

Ever run backwards through a cornfiend naked? I sure havent. So Ill be returning to A-Town Thursday afternoon. Might visit the DM on Friday evening...unless you all frickin decide to go to Malaysia again.

Kenneth--Francisco Desires To Contact You Concerning the Frequency

Well, well, well. Thought I'd find you here.

So, Mr. Berry: although I can't remember the exact text of your last post, I just noticed I have a message from Lovilia--so I guess you're on break as of nooooow. Well, as you probably know, Mr. Wells will be here this weekend. So what this means is: you need to come here this weekend. Until Thursday all my affections are swallowed by my girlfriend, who is here for the old one year, good show, pip pip, and other stereotypical British phrases. After that, though--well, this whorehouse is open for business.

So about the music/writing thing--I've sort of jumped concubines mid-session, and am now on some completely other project, and can't remember exactly what I was thinking. I was planning on serializing an SF novel online, and maybe we could have downloadable tracks or something--but why not just link to whatever site you're hosting your music from? As you can see, my thoughts are scattered on this. But as to the spoken word, that is an excellent idea and merits further discussion.

Semi-related: the other day at work I had to battle an old electric typewriter and noticed how many excellent sounds it had, rhytms of keys and rollers and carriage returns, and was thinking it could be an interesting element in an electronic music piece. But who knows. Might go well in background with a spoken word piece...? Just an idea.

So enough of this Wes-lovery. I just read The Egyptologist which is excellent and funny and intricately constructed but also depressing as hell if you read it a certain way. Lots of faux...faux everything. Noticed that there are two classes of books that catch my attention: ones that are just good and fun, and ones that are disturbing and depressing but so well-made that I can't turn away. Cryptonomicon was the former, this last and House of Leaves examples of the latter.

My shower smells like a trombone. Really it smells like the storage case of any brass instrument. I have no idea why this is.

Remember ditto machines? Those made interesting things. Dittos? Is that what you call those? Thanks, Ghead, for the reminder of them.

Triumphant return

Um. Yeah, so I'm still like alive and stuff in case you worried. Some random thoughts follow.

The Game Developer's Conference was awesome. I will definately try to go every year if I can. I'll talk more about specifics later (I have to write an essay about it for the scholarship thing, and I'm lazy enough to not want to repeat the effort).

I will be graduating before too much longer. I don't know the date off hand, but its a monday so I presume most of you will not be coming. Thats fine, but I do not do this often. So I think some celebration is in order. I can throw some money at the thing. I was thinking it might require say, some gold label(lookin to andy on this), nice cigars(amish), some poker perhaps, and a location. This will probably be our own thing. I think my mom is having some kind of party for me too, but I think it will be different, um, thematically so to speak.

I've been playing a game online lately. I think it would be a good game for us to hang out in. Though I'll listen to dissent(I might ignore it). Its about pirates. And you do things via puzzles. So its like Cap'n Hook vs. Dr Mario or something. Its java based which means a few things. First, it will work on PC or Mac(tim). Also, it has cartoony graphics that are pretty cool but not demanding so any old machine should play it(dave's crashotron though I guess he didn't have the space). And you can install it and play it with less than 100mb of space. Oh and I hear that its even quite playable via dialup. So it seems like it could hit the lowest common denominator, and I think its damn fun. Me, Teresa, and Morgan have all started playing some. And, I'm happy to note that Teresa and I just purchased our first ship. So if you would like to join, we can pirate and maybe even see about taking over an island for ourselves. See: Puzzle Pirates.

I have to do a couple more electronic music pieces. One of which is to feature my rewired shit. And I was thinking about how Tim said it would make a good soundtrack to his writing thing. I was thinking perhaps we should kind of reverse-engineer that. And perhaps you could do like a spoken word kind of thing on the track. Its a thought, oh and if you are in on it, it might mean that I would need you to come to campus for a night or two to help me do a live performance thing. Let me know...

Last but not least, I will be returning home tommorow for spring break. I have some things I need to be working on, but should be free most evenings. I will be home for two weeks, so you should seek me out for the fun making. Now, I seek foods.

You fuck cows in retrospect!

Im sorry but this is like the funniest thing I can come across at 747am moutain time. And its so frigging true. TO THE EXTREME FUNNY!!!

A Real American Zero

It's my Saint Day: St. Patrick's Day. For you who dont habla francais, it's this whole idea of the French that states your middle name is supposed to be that of a saint and everyday of the calender is designated towards a saint. What are you supposed to do on your Saint's Day? Get shit faced, embarass yourself with a member of the opposite sex, and get presents. Im goin to do two of those tonite, I guarantee you that.

Anyway, Im sure Tim and Ryan have a fucked up date of which im going to return, again. Im pretty sure the last I heard from either of them was the date of March 19th. Idjits. . . Im goin to be back NEXT FRIDAY, MARCH 25th. Im pullin a red eye drivin scheme again so Im leaving Denver probably around 1339 hrs (thats 1:39 pm for you lesser-evolved ones). Anything happening over the weekend? Or if I go to Des Moines? Please! I Don't Want To Go To A Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Karaoke Bar EVERY FUCKING NITE.

oh. Speakin of which, happy belated b-day Ryan. Ive heard so much crap about Star Wars now that Im sick of it. Episode III will be cool, there wont be any 1/2 Mauls flying around, or stupid ass trilogy epilogues or any other fanboy induced masterbatorial fantasy that might be on the web. I mean seriously, you all played (or saw the ending to) Metal Gear: Sons of Liberty. They BLATENTLY say the internet is full of useless information.

It's a Slipknot Christmas

Slipknot's song "Before I forget" has a very simple formula to the chorus.

I...am a world before I am a man

I...was a creature before I could stand

I...will remember before I forget

I...was thinking that we could make a really fun drinking game out of this.

It would involve a circle of people and each one would have to come up with another line, in turn. The first person who couldn't come up with a new line would have to drink. Then it would start again until another person couldn't think of a line and had to drink. The game would continue until all players are too drunk to think.

An typical game would go something like this.

• Player One: I...was a cat before I was a dog
• Player Two: I...was a fish before I was a frog
• Player Three: I...pee before I take a drink
• Player Four: I...take a shower in the sink

See...Player Four didn't follow the formula so they would have to drink. You notice that the lines rhyme in couplets. This is also part of the formula. It isn't part of the formula of the song, but I just decided that it should be part of the game.

So, that's the game. Can't wait to play it.

What's everyone doing Thursday?

Boringko, the Russian refugee clown.

I am really physically attracted to my computer. Sometimes I pet it or say things like, "I love this computer" or "sexy computer" in front of my girlfriend, who then looks at me with a sort of strange curiosity. To say that my relationship with this machine is romantic would not be a stretch. It's a little iBook, and in the few months I've had it it's never freaked out on me--never! Things never glitch. Fuck. It's excellent.

So yesterday I wanted to write a new incarnation of a conversation I've had with Heather and Goathead, concerning the karaoke bars we follow Ryan to. There are about ten songs that are the karaoke standards, that always get done: 'I Will Survive' is one, as is that unholy anthem, the Grease medley. But, strangely, the Big Butts song is also one, and it's almost always performed or requested by girls. In fact, I can't think of a single time that it wasn't.

So when there are two girls up there singing I always wonder--why? And then, before my eyes, their bodies morph until they are the bodies of eleven year-old girls with huge bloated asses more reminiscent of muffins than of body parts, and I understand.

Found an ant in the bed at 2:56 this morning. That was lame. Thankfully, it was either a lone outrider or a peasant accidentally abducted from outside. Memory from youth: Meagan's bed, next to her window, turned into a fluffy blue plain cut by a little Amazon River of ants.

Last night, purely through a mix of adventurism and blundering, I piloted my car into a rural district of Des Moines. Suddenly I was outside Lovilia, on my way to Stone King or some other wooded and haunted site: gravel road flanked by legions of gnarly dead trees. And then suddenly I was on asphalt again, surrounded by streetlamps and strip malls.

I saw a poster yesterday that contains the entirety of Macbeth, printed in small but legible font that surrounds a large sword. It was not exceptionally elegant in design, but the idea that I was looking at the entire play on one sheet of paper, hanging on a wall, was intensely interesting for about four seconds.

Ever notice how every beverage besides soda makes soda seem cheap? The first time I learned that beer costs between six and twelve dollars per 6-pack I couldn't believe it. And coffee is as bad: two dollars for twenty ounces. Weird weird weird.

I want to draw a comic about Boringko, the boring Russian clown, but I can neither draw nor write comics. So I'm sort of at an impasse.

One last bit: upon leaving Ryan's apartment Thursday night I found a cane in the parking lot, half hidden under a sedan. It was long and white, with a red grip and a worn-down nub at the tip. I assumed it was one of those canes for the blind. As it was dirty, obviously much-run-over, I considered it well abandoned and shoved it into the car for future goofiness. Later I felt a little bad: what if it wasn't abandoned? But the shoddy condition and several tire-ish marks imply otherwise. So, moral advice?

Cone-itchy-wah

I'll coneitchy your wah!

I'm posting to let my Des Moinian bretheren know that I will be totally unavailable this evening. I was summoned back to Melrose to do family things. And since cellphone signals are mysteriously sucked into a vortex here, this is probably the only way you'll find out.

I don't really feel like going to another pound-me-in-the-ass karaoke bar anyway. Last night was too much for me. I can't stand being around people who are drunker and more obnoxious than I am. Thankfully, those people are rare, but they all decided to have a "drunker and more obnoxious than Andy" jamborie at Fireside last night. It was like a damned contest to see who could be the drunkest and most obnoxious. I'm afraid I lost by a long shot. There was a three-way tie for first and we even had a female runner-up. She was the trap that you didn't want to look into. Cause once you do, you never escape her constant nagging of, "Com'n n' dance with me baby."

The douche in the red hat probably should have won, but he was taken out of the competition by a burly bouncer early on.

Oh, I also hear that Garrett is planning on sacrificing a deer to his dark god on Ryan's couch. What is that about?

Tell Kum and Go Josh that I said I love him, and miss him, and am sorry that I wasn't there to tell him these things in person.

Okay, who stole my fucking green pen. Your ass is not going to escape a severe tazering when I find out. It'll be the tazering by which all other tazerings are defined.

And then I'll coneitchy your wah!

Get out the cheese logs.

Bumbleebee riding Santa Anna, I love tax return time. I've never experienced this "the government is actually giving me a significatn amount of money" feeling. Unfortunately, it's accompanied by the strangely bittersweet "now i can just transfer all that to the credit card company" feeling.

Well. I was going to write more but my girlfriend just pulled in.

Let's start an online publication. I'm willing to fund site costs, etc. Probably.

Do not badger the badgers

Damn it. Deviantart wont let me post my cartoon. It requires the newest Quicktime. Bah. Ask me for it sometime and ill give it to you.

I chased pigeons in the park today instead of doing our class fieldtrip assignment. A friggin meter cop told me to "stop mollesting the pigeons." I swear I didnt touch them at all. I just chased after em and made ferral child noises.

We could ALL be rockstars...

Ahoy all ye blogger folk! Here's an interesting story about donating blood:
Today, I was supposed to go donate, because a friend of mine is in a frat, and they were holding a blood drive at good ole' Maucker Union. So, I show up at my scheduled bleeding time ( 9:30) this morning. For those of you who haven't donated blood before, they ask you a rediculous inventory of questions. All of these can be summed up into one giant question " Have you ever had sex for money or other drugs with a homosexual African man in Guatemala, while doing heroin/cocaine/meth/pot since 1977?"
So, after that they take your blood pressure to make sure that it's high enough to donate. My blood pressure was too low and my heart rate was pretty low, so the lady asking the questions goes and fetches a can of Pepsi. (I detest Pepsi, and most soda in general.)
Really, how much is one can of soda going to effect your blood pressure? Well, I drink it as fast as I can, and after about 10 minutes, the caffeine in it had raised my blood pressure right to the borderline of safety to donate. After a short walk to the tables where others are bleeding into plastic bags and lying on their backs, I get assigned to my own little table and get told to lie down.
Another lady takes my blood pressure and takes it again a couple more times, (apparently that Pepsi didn't work too long) she asks me what arm I'd like to have the blood taken out of, to which I replied "Eh, just take it out of the left. Its my favorite arm." (I mean really, do I care?) She laughed, and gave me the little squeezy ball and told me to squeeze it a few times, while she took my blood pressure again, and tried to find the veins in my arm she needed. After about 5 minutes of pumping a little squeezy ball, and having her keep checking and poking around my left arm, she goes to my right arm, and repeats the exact same thing. Then calls someone over to find the veins for her.
Now, the thought going through my head right now is "Do I really want to have this lady inserting needles into my arm if she can't find my veins? And if she thinks a can of Pepsi is good enough to raise my blood pressure and pulse? Where do they get these people?"
Another nurse/blood thief comes over to find the veins, and takes a marker and draws a big X on my arm where the first lady is supposed to insert the needle and start draining. After using half a bottle of iodine to sanitize the spot, she looks for my veins again, then starts the process of sticking me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to tell you that it didn't hurt. I've got a pretty high threshold of pain, I've broken bones, torn muscles, had stitches, had tons of blood drawn from me, gotton a tattoo, and none of those things really bothered me too much, but this hurt. I swear I could feel her go through several veins in my arm before finding one.
After that, she put the little ball thing back in my hand and told me to squeeze every few seconds, and she hooked up this little bag, and a few tubes to get some samples of my blood before starting the actual pint for donation. About 10 minutes of that business had passed, she came back with a strange look on her face, and called the vein-finding lady over again and spoke to her for a little bit. Then asked about taking blood out of my left arm.
My thoughts again: "Lady, look, I don't mean to be a bitch here, but this is my blood we're dealing with, and I really don't feel like repeating all this crap on my other arm, if you can't get it, that's just too bad."
So, I asked what was going on, and she said that they couldn't get enough out of my right arm, but they had already taken too much for my height and weight, (I'm a whopping 5'4 137 lbs) to take any more safely for a donation, but what they had taken wasn't enough to actually donate. And that during the whole process, they had bruised my arm pretty badly, but hopefully this doesn't deter me from trying to donate again at a later date.
Grrr...So now, my arm hurts like hell, and it was all for nothing. I have to walk around with an iodine and bandage covered arm till I go to swimming practice tonight, which should be an interesting endeavor.

If you made it through that story, props to you. Everything else is pretty much all right. Classes are going well, yadda yadda yadda, and work is interesting as usual. I'm going to try to make it to Albia sometime in the next week. But for now, I'm going to take a quick nap before class, so I'm out for now. Hope all is going well for everyone else.
Peace.

This was goin to be a post, but god damn. . .

Damn it Tim. If you would'a scrolled back to ...say...January 25th you would have seen the exact date I was coming back.

March 25th is when Im returning.

So yeah. You should be aware that Pitch Black is on super damn sale here at Denver. Like....it was 4 for 6 bucks a 12 pack. They want to get rid of it for some reason. Maybe it makes people dumbasses. And considering the amount you claim to consume...multiply it by your goofy size...damn. You know... with the internet and technology as it is its possible for you not to leave home and injure anyone else. Damn.

My Tinman cartoon is done! Yay! Its only like....8 seconds though... and thats with Winsor McCay loops.

Archie + Mr. Weatherbee = HAWT

Well, since I'm the only person in North America who likes Pitch Black, this might not be of interest to you...but the stuff is off the shelves! I went to at least 10 grocery stores in the metro area and found none. Then I asked Alyssa to visit the myriad small towns around her area--where distribution is slower--with a budget of $100. She returned with enough black Mt. Dew to form a generous end-table for the couch, and to last for at least a month. I'm on 151 right now, counting down.

Tonight Dave's return was discussed. 21 March? How ling will you be here? Because I won't be here 21 March/22 March because that is the Uno Versary of my girlfriend and me, one year or 12 months for those of you still using that archaic Metric system.

Some theater group in DM is doing Roald Dahl's BFG, which is all puppets, which made me think of Morgan. Or, as I like to think of him when I'm in a nautical mood, the Fata Morgana. Are the puppets still puppeting?

For a while I've been considering serializing an SF novel online, but this damn CSS just beats me with a board. Which reminds me: heard a news story tonight about a man attacked by two chimps. They removed his eye socket. They removed his mouth. The report ended with: "The man tried and failed to reason with the chimps."

I have this old Goodwill suit jacket from last summer. Well, back then I rode a bike around Albia and wore that jacket and felt goofy. Now suit jackets are trendy! Trendy! Today I broke it out of the closet and this fifty yar old lady asked me if I was auditioning for a band. Then some theater lady tried to get me to model. Man, it was painful. I doused the jacket in pitch, wadded it into a ball, and tossed it flaming into the Gap.

About emailing posts: I'm unable to access the settings tab in here. I think that's because Bil and Wes are the admins, and the rest of us just have 'create' and 'view blog.' So what's the email addy?

This post is boring. But read it anyway, god dammit.

Well, shizzle my nizzle. My job has become so boring that I've had to resort to books on tape, audio plays, etc. to keep my brain from melting and pouring out of the head orifices. I've got a Tales from the Crypt audio set coming with dramatizations of old goofy horror comics. With real actors! And done by the scifi channel! Yes! And I got a fat ol' Stephen King set from the library (20 cds...yikes). The library is a good place when it comes to audio. Check out, copy, return. Mwaha.

I'll be around Friday. And was thinking...haven't seen Bil since dolphins ruled the Earth. So...Bil....what...are you doing...Friday? Same question to anyone else. Except for Wells.

Whoa. That was a boring post. Booooring. BOOOORRINNNNG. There is no way to spice this up. Anyone read anything by Greg Bear? Scifi? I've not, but keep running into his name.

Jeez, it's impossible for me to say anything interesting. I ordered cable, so if anyone has any recommendations for shows that real people with real TV watch, let me know.

I think Robot Chicken sucks.

That is all.

Or not. Isn't there some way to email posts in? I know in other blogs I've fiddled with there was that option, but here I can't get into the options to find out how. Want to know so I can post again from wizzidy wizzork.

Codependency

The internet is down at the dorms (cept mine...cuz im a cable internet whore). So everyone was outside. It was funny.











...Fuck you I thought it was hilarious.

Blarg!

Hey kids. Stuff is crazy and stupid. Next week I'm flying to San Francisco for GDC. Scary. But anyway a couple thoughts:

Dave: I am in the middle of various projects at present, but in the not too distant future I may be after some concept art. It would be nice to get somebody I know to do it. I could probably even pay, depending on the circumstances (or offer royalties from finished or something). We should maybe talk at some point.

Dave & Bil: The game engine I work with (Torque) has just released a new 2d version. Maybe we should try to put together a game. I'm pretty sure I could do any neccesary coding, as long as you guys could do the 2d animated characters. I probably won't have much time til post college, but thats only a couple months away so its something to think about.

Everybody: I hear we could get the Lovilia Elementary for $20k. More money than I have, but that place would be the shit. Now I'm gonna play video games for a bit. Probably Project Entropia or Counter Strike. You guys might consider joining me at some point. Both very tasty games...

Oh but you will want sausages, Gert. You WILL.

Since no one is posting...I will. hah!

So. As far as cartooning goes, I made a claymation video ill show to you all when i get home. As well, my deviantart is showcasing my current animated character, the Tin Man. Hes not animated, but he will be after next week. Itll be worthy ya'lls time.

Anywho, I apologize again for my links lacking of workage. I also apologize to anyone that talks to Lynn when Im online *cough goat cough* (minus kellynn, of course). Jaime finally booted Kris cuz he gave her a concussion. Hoop de damn doo. So hes in Mississippi, shes in Des Moines. And yeah. Thats why it has to be. Any plans for May? I have to return for family shit.

OH! Im gettin an Alienware computer. Itll be sweet. I can get rid of (as Novo calls it) Crashetron 4000. Silly Novo....its only a 250. You give it too much credit. And then I can get 3d Max and City of Villains. Sweeeeeeeet.