Before I Commit
Yes, no? 15 seconds of this guy? Can you say no to this lovable idiot?
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
adult lunchable
I just drove to Target for lunch expecting to buy one of those delectable little chicken salad-based adult lunchables they sell but ho! there were none left. I pawed at a caeser salad and a southwest wrap and then picked up an italian on ciabatta. WHY DID I DO THAT? It was the fattest piggiest thing I've eaten in weeks. What the fuck is wrong with me? I feel too disgusted even to drink the Rockstar I also acquired.
How do you people feel about fish and chips? I love the shit out of that combo but without fail afterward I want to die or at least hump the back of a chair with my solar plexus until I puke. So much grease and breading. However, tonight Sarah and I are going out for the first time in ever to a place that sells these fish and these chips, and I want to eat it even though I know that after I will moan and complain the entire way home about what a poor choice it was.
How do you people feel about fish and chips? I love the shit out of that combo but without fail afterward I want to die or at least hump the back of a chair with my solar plexus until I puke. So much grease and breading. However, tonight Sarah and I are going out for the first time in ever to a place that sells these fish and these chips, and I want to eat it even though I know that after I will moan and complain the entire way home about what a poor choice it was.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Megaman 2...
As seen when you fight all 8 robot masters simultaneously.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Fatter than Hell
Happy Friday, and happy early Saturday for me, the first Saturday in six weeks I haven't had to work. Now that Sarah's birthday is over I'm loaded up on really great pizza from the smallest bar I've ever been in, a zombie cake, 43 beers, and I'm stupidly eating some sort of Cuban cheese pastry. It's like a dry blintz and I can feel myself growing fatter with each chew. There's also a fruit tray by the copier but by the time I got into work the few remaining chunks of pineapple were shriveled things, sponges washed up on a beach.
Sarah and I considered going to see a live-action Reservoir Dogs tonight, and are still considering going, I guess, but I can't make up my mind. What do you think? There's a pretty big potential for it to suck, AND I know I would enjoy sitting around the apartment watching Netflix with Sarah and generally chilling the fuck out. I suppose we should take the risk, but with her working the next morning and both of us doing all kinds of junk this weekend, the pressure is ON for proper use of a Friday night.
Sarah and I considered going to see a live-action Reservoir Dogs tonight, and are still considering going, I guess, but I can't make up my mind. What do you think? There's a pretty big potential for it to suck, AND I know I would enjoy sitting around the apartment watching Netflix with Sarah and generally chilling the fuck out. I suppose we should take the risk, but with her working the next morning and both of us doing all kinds of junk this weekend, the pressure is ON for proper use of a Friday night.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Do zombies have birthdays?
Check out this sweet zombie cake I made for Sarah's birthday. Longtime fans of the kickass narrative thread I like to call My Life may remember that I originally designed this cake for Bil's birthday a few years ago, but since he rarely makes out with me, I never mustered the motivation to develop it.
Real maraschino cherry bodies fester deep within the soil of this cake!
Real maraschino cherry bodies fester deep within the soil of this cake!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Noun Verbs Noun
I feel like this is said every time I post. And I don't have an answer sometimes.
Allison will be in town this weekend. Friday through Sunday. Hair will be cut. Blokus will be played.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Tasing the Sleepy Bear
In honor of Amish’s birthing, I will relate a tale of near harassment of a public official.
It was the last weekend in June and I was in the Albia bar drinking bottles of bud light and trying to connect with people I used to know. Things were going okay and I was getting pretty sloshed when all of a sudden two Albia policemen appeared at the back of the bar. Apparently, they were doing a walkthrough to make sure everyone was smoking out on the back porch and not in the bar. I looked at the name stitched on the first cop’s very uncoplike yellow shirt. It read “Sharf.”
Immediately, Amish’s taser story flashed in my mind. I saw it all as Amish describes it—the grisly image of Amish being zapped twice with a taser, beaten with a collapsible baton, then pepper sprayed while he lay handcuffed and helpless on the ground. An unjustified electrocution and beating perpetrated by the yellow-shirted son-of-a-bitch walking past me!
I smiled and offered my hand. “Matt Sharf,” I said, “I hear you’re doing a really great job keeping the peace here in Aliba!” He shook my hand and gave me an uneasy look. “Who told you that?”
“My good friend Justin Gillespie!”
He looked away and let go of my hand. “I don’t think he’d have much good to say about me.”
“Well, he said you’re pretty quick to use a taser on a guy.” My smile faded into a stone cold glare.
The cop glared back. “Well, if you do what I tell you to, things like that don’t happen.”
I smirked. “Oh, I’ll be sure to stay in the car.”
He said it again. “If you do what I tell you to things like that don’t happen.”
“Cause your word is law, right?” I stood firm, waiting for him to say it again. The next time I was going to say something like, “Maybe I’ll just stay in Des Moines where the cops have better things to do than taser people for fun. Like shoot rapists and people threatening suicide.”
He didn’t repeat it though. He just said, “You have yourself a good night.” Then he turned and marched out of the bar.
A weekend later I was talking to the Murphy kid, who happened to be standing in front of the bar when Sharf exited. “Who is that guy with the curly hair?” he asked. “He’s about to get arrested.” The Murphy kid said he didn’t know. He also told me Amish wasn’t the only person in Albia to feel the business end of Sharf’s taser. Apparently its becoming common for police to use a taser whenever they think someone might not be immediately complying with their wishes.
Just take a look at these links:
Tase early, tase often
Tase a 14-year-old girl in the head!
The misuse of tasers has gotten completely out of hand.
It was the last weekend in June and I was in the Albia bar drinking bottles of bud light and trying to connect with people I used to know. Things were going okay and I was getting pretty sloshed when all of a sudden two Albia policemen appeared at the back of the bar. Apparently, they were doing a walkthrough to make sure everyone was smoking out on the back porch and not in the bar. I looked at the name stitched on the first cop’s very uncoplike yellow shirt. It read “Sharf.”
Immediately, Amish’s taser story flashed in my mind. I saw it all as Amish describes it—the grisly image of Amish being zapped twice with a taser, beaten with a collapsible baton, then pepper sprayed while he lay handcuffed and helpless on the ground. An unjustified electrocution and beating perpetrated by the yellow-shirted son-of-a-bitch walking past me!
I smiled and offered my hand. “Matt Sharf,” I said, “I hear you’re doing a really great job keeping the peace here in Aliba!” He shook my hand and gave me an uneasy look. “Who told you that?”
“My good friend Justin Gillespie!”
He looked away and let go of my hand. “I don’t think he’d have much good to say about me.”
“Well, he said you’re pretty quick to use a taser on a guy.” My smile faded into a stone cold glare.
The cop glared back. “Well, if you do what I tell you to, things like that don’t happen.”
I smirked. “Oh, I’ll be sure to stay in the car.”
He said it again. “If you do what I tell you to things like that don’t happen.”
“Cause your word is law, right?” I stood firm, waiting for him to say it again. The next time I was going to say something like, “Maybe I’ll just stay in Des Moines where the cops have better things to do than taser people for fun. Like shoot rapists and people threatening suicide.”
He didn’t repeat it though. He just said, “You have yourself a good night.” Then he turned and marched out of the bar.
A weekend later I was talking to the Murphy kid, who happened to be standing in front of the bar when Sharf exited. “Who is that guy with the curly hair?” he asked. “He’s about to get arrested.” The Murphy kid said he didn’t know. He also told me Amish wasn’t the only person in Albia to feel the business end of Sharf’s taser. Apparently its becoming common for police to use a taser whenever they think someone might not be immediately complying with their wishes.
Just take a look at these links:
Tase early, tase often
Tase a 14-year-old girl in the head!
The misuse of tasers has gotten completely out of hand.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Only in Russia
I didn't even know there was a contest for this, but really, it doesn't surprise me that a Russian won.
Monday, July 06, 2009
Beard of Bees
Guess who used health insurance for the first time in like five years to get a physical this morning? And guess who's in kickass shape! "Wow," the doctor said, after his assistants stripped my torso of gummy EKG sensors, "you're like the fucking Terminator." Really he didn't say that. Don't expect me to be all curvaceous and sleek when I show up for Kevin's wedding. I was just relieved not to be as close to death as I'd expected over the past year or so, since our company's half-ass med-student-administered physical listed me as slightly high blood pressure (which I've apparently taken care of with my steady diet of cheeseburgers and Dogfish Head).
Speaking of Kevin's wedding, probably this realization has hit all of you already, but: it's the day after the high school reunion! Ridiculous! Sorry, Kevin, we've got fancyass drinks to order at Murph's while holding awkward conversations with ex-jocks.
Sarah and I had also hoped to persuade Wes to get engaged and schedule his wedding for 19 September. Think of the drama! It'd be all MTV's Undressed. Except I guess with less undressing.
Save it for marriage, Kevin.
This post has turned unexpectedly Hendercentric.
I could totally see Vorwald with a beard of bees.
Speaking of Kevin's wedding, probably this realization has hit all of you already, but: it's the day after the high school reunion! Ridiculous! Sorry, Kevin, we've got fancyass drinks to order at Murph's while holding awkward conversations with ex-jocks.
Sarah and I had also hoped to persuade Wes to get engaged and schedule his wedding for 19 September. Think of the drama! It'd be all MTV's Undressed. Except I guess with less undressing.
Save it for marriage, Kevin.
This post has turned unexpectedly Hendercentric.
I could totally see Vorwald with a beard of bees.
Friday, July 03, 2009
Jesus was an extraterrestrial
I have not heard plans for July 4th. Are there plans? I would like to participate in whatever plans as well.
I went to the Ottumwa mall today. It was very sad. Remember that Mexican restaurant in there? GONE! Remember Sam Goody/On Cue? GONE! Remember all the people there? GONE!
I also bought a card for someone's wedding that I promptly missed. It's a sympathy card. Getting married is dumb.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
