It is now 3 pm Moontime

All right, fools, now that it's finally 3 pm Moontime I'll lay this
update on you. What do I have to say? Nothing really. I'm just trying
to keep this baby cryin.

Actually I will say this: my parents are now millions of centimeters
over the earth heading this way. They will arrive around 9:55 pm. They
will find Orlando muggier than the inside of a hillbilly's toothless
disease-softened mouth. They will also find the apartment smelling of
Mr. Clean mopping solution, as Sarah and I have spent the afternoon
and early evening cleaning, cleaning, and making T-Bets (turkey bacon,
egg and tomato sandwiches).

There are a few difficulties surrounding this parental visit: 1) we
live in a neighborhood sort of loud at night, and the tequila bar is
hosting a Seven Mary Three concert on the street this Wednesday.
Awkwardness is sure to ensue. 2) I have to work a graduation ceremony
tomorrow morning. Graduation from the Horse Academy, which I think is
what I will use to refer to my school from now on. 3) I'm not sure
exactly how to occupy this week (they will be with us until next week
-3 3 pm Moontime. One of my coworkers suggested this restaurant:

http://www.planetdeland.com/sugarmill/sugarpage2.htm

Who knows. Maybe.

4) Tomorrow is my father's birthday. He has brought harmonicas for
Sarah's amusement. He had them in his carry-on and my mother sent me a
message about DSM airport security thinking they were clips for an
automatic weapon.

What would you do with your parents if they came to stay with you for
a week? I'm looking forward to seeing them and am happy to have them
here but I know there will come some awkward what the hell do we do
now moment? And unlike every other such moment in my life, I won't be
able to stuff it into a shot glass of spiced rum.

Well, here are some things I read lately:

THE CRYING OF LOT 49: Thomas Pynchon's comic/fantastic/paranoid novel
of late-60s California and a postal conspiracy. A little too goofy,
but good at times. I give it 7/10 lavalamps. Also he wrote it when he
was a little younger than me, so maybe I'm just jealous.

THE SANDBOX: David Zimmerman (of Iowa State)'s novel of the Iraq war.
A little stale at a few points but engrossing throughout. 8/10
lavalamps.

THE THIRD POLICEMAN: Flann O'Brien's fantastical novel of...I don't
know. I'm like fifty pages in. It started off kicking mules but it's
turning a bit rote-afterlife journey. I maintain optimism, however.
9/10 lavalamps.

Is lava lamp supposed to be two words?

What Will I Do With All These Dead Hookers?

Who will get this reference? Probably nobody.

The Unlock Smith. Enjoy this, instead!

For the last two weeks I have been running after work. It is terrible to realize how out of shape you are and then try to rectify the situation, only to realize you are terribly out of shape. I have also sworn off soda, which has been working nicely. Today, however, I got bored and decided to get a Mountain Dew. About 1/2 way through, all I could taste was sugar and sugar. Threw it away and never looked back. To compensate, I have been drinking water like it's going out of style. The first couple days I was urinating more than a diabetic. I would say it's the toxins leaving my body, but what are these mystery toxins? I can't find a definitive answer to this. I'll just assume it was my body pissing out soda water weight in exchange for actual water.

It's only been two weeks, but I would like to see results. Unfortunately, with a fitness goal, you won't see results immediately. I thought about swearing off looking into mirrors for the next month, but that's just ridiculous and I would only wind up looking like a hobo.

South Park got censored the other week for having Muhammed issues. I'm pissed that Comedy Central was afraid of offending Muslims, not that South Park has ever intentionally tried to offend any religion, against the wishes and consent of Matt Stone & Trey Parker. This news comes as I am on a huge kick about freedom of speech/expression. But it's not worth blogging about.

Yet my fat ass pissing is worth blogging about. Don't judge me. Post something your damn self!

how could they have ever let Conan go?

(2009) Conan & Andy do "Blood: The Last Vampire" from Robert Ashe Jr. on Vimeo.

Defibulate!

I love how the dapper gent on the left is all like, "Damn it. Not again. Stupid micks..." as if drunken Irish brawls with sticks were common occurrences.

So as some of you may know: I love my job. I go into work, go onto the email, and find art requests. I take these requests and do the art they "request." Most the time, it's something as follows:

An image of an 11-year old Hispanic boy. He is running away from a donkey. He should be happy.

Not too bad, but sometimes the artwork is super detailed and needs to fit into about an inch of space. Oh, and a lot of my artwork is for special needs children. That means everyone has to have giant smiles and be of the same disposition. I can't hide penises or monsters in the art because there are some smarmy people in Copy Edit who look for these things. No joke: they returned a picture of a flower because it looked phallic. They also told me to make a black teacher look "-less like Skeletor." I have hidden video game references in drawings, specifically an Earthbound scene with four kids walking from a library (one kid has a book with a fly, another with a Starman, Jr.)

I also came up with a situation that went as follows:

CE: Could you make this kid look more Hispanic?
Me: What do you mean?
CE: You know... more Hispanic. You know? Make him... Hispanicer? He looks too Anglo...
Me: I'm not following. How much more Hispanic do you want him?
CE: Well... just make him look more Hispanic but not stereotypical.

I ended up making his hair black. And it worked.




How are you?

No One Ever Paid Me With Gum...

I also wish I had some news. But I don't!

I'm skeptical

Overheard just now in the hallway, a cellphone conversation: "He didn't even get me to the doctor. I had to do a damn C-section. On my damn self."

I'm an Awesome Artist

They're showing this movie at the booze-slinging theater downtown next weekend:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyophYBP_w4

and Sarah won't go! She's afraid of those trolls.

Coming to Offend Near Yours

Today at work, one of our artists was telling a story. Somewhere in the story was something about a 7-year old, which she referred to as "It". I laughed even though it was a serious story and explained to her that she was objectifying a child when she questioned me.

Turns out that was offensive and disrespectful to her.

After work, I was at the Coralville Mall. This chunky sceney-bopper asian teenager came up to me and SERIOUSLY asked, "What's it like to be a piece of shit white guy?"

The only answer I could come with on the spot was, "Better than a chunky Chinese bitch..."

Then, THEN, I get on the bus to go home. This young African-American gets on after I've sat down and punches the open seat next to me and gives me the look that I enslaved his people, raped his family, etc etc.


Seriously. What did I do today to offend every minority?!


My kitchen has a mystery smell. It's not the disposal. The best part is that it's RIGHT AS YOU WALK IN. It's only within a six-foot radius of the door, too. I believe the neighbor below me has died in their kitchen and I am getting the trauma of their rotting piece-of-shit corpse.

And I have the Magic Goathead Stagecoach coming up this weekend! No matter how much I will try to explain it will always be David's stinky apartment.

God damn it all.

EDIT:~ I found the smell's origin. There was an even more mysterious substance coming from under my stove range. Problem Two solved.

Hey Mel, have you seen the trailer yet.

What the fuck.

That's all I got to say about that. The original was good. And must of been popular because I rented it at Jim and Charles' (a.k.a. old super value), which by the way only gets the name brand movies to rent anyways, so finding it there means it had to of made enough money state side to warrant a rental at a small town grocery. I don't feel we need a Americanized version of this movie, even though the casting looks awesome. If you didn't see it, then it wasn't something you would of wanted to see. If you feel temped to see this new version of a movie, not all that old in the first place, then rent the original. You will not be missing out on a thing, unless you just want to see it for the star power, then just wait for it to hit DVD around the holidays.

The New


The Original

The smell of Billy

So the other night I'm unloading a truck, I do that kind of thing now, and for some reason the smell of it made me think of Chicago. Now I've only been there once, a long time ago, yet for some reason that's what it reminded me of. Oh and the shipment did come from Illinois so I was right about where it came from, just not exact. So then this made me think of the only person I've met living in that area. And then that made me think of the Hardee's I had for dinner that night. What follows is not a Billy approved sandwich. Four slices of cheese (white and yellow American), two on top, two on bottom, three strips of bacon and hamburger on a fried sourdough bun. Now sure it was most likely put into a sandwich press, but I don't care. The Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger is the best damn burger Hardee's has to offer. And that's saying a lot. No condiments needed. Unless you dipped your grilled cheese in ketchup as a kid, this I will accept it. Do not consume more than one of these a week if you enjoy using the restroom on a regular basis. And certainly do not consume any if you are Billy, for it may result in blurred vision, heart failure, trouble breathing, coma, or even death. Damn but that was one tasty burger.

In honor of Tim's crappy videos

also good

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9KyBdPeKHg&feature=related

Fight Scene

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1eFdUSnaQM&feature=related

The Paper Tongues and The Flaming Lips: Mouth on Fire Tour!

My car alarm keeps going off. Like right now its sitting in the driveway honking for no reason. I don't have to run out there to see if someone's breaking in, or if maybe raccoons are in the garbage, because this happens every warm day. If the temperature is above 70 degrees my car alarm is probably going to go off. I almost forgot about this glitch over the winter, but I was reminded many times over the past couple weeks. I was running out with my keys to unlock it and shut it down, but I'm getting to the point now where I don't really even care. I can hardly hear it over Halo explosions and I don't really give a shit what the neighbors think.

The first month I worked at Pioneer the security guy came over to my cube and asked me about it. He was like, "Um, your car alarm keeps going off. It doesn't appear that anyone is tampering with it, but some of the people over in the lab would really like it to stop. Is there anything you can do about that?"

I'm sure there's a fuse, but dammit, I really just don't care enough to find it.

Its a common problem. Here's a link. I don't care if you click it or not.

The "acedia" that woman talks about is something I'm very familiar with. Acedia is, I think, a large part of why zombie apocalypse/alien invasion scenarios are appealing. Because at this point in civilization we are so beyond basic survival living that we don't even know what the fuck to do half the time. With zombies and aliens its simple: run away from the zombie/alien if you are unarmed. If you are armed, shoot it.

Recently, my biggest sense of acedia came from finding a job. I should have been totally thrilled, but part of me also missed the excitement and anxiety over searching for a job. I've funneled some of the anxiety into a sense of fear over losing the job, but it's only half-strength at this point. If I mess a bunch of stuff up or break the printer again, then maybe things will get exciting.

So now I'm thinking I should set some new goals and maybe even a new hobby. Or rediscover an old hobby. And . . . yeah, I was gonna write some more but I've kind of lost my train of thought and . . . screw it, I'm gonna go play Halo

I found my cat....on youtube

hoo fucking ray

Well, and then, after a weekend spent fighting fleas brought in my the
raccoons nesting in our walls, I discovered that somebody had backed
into my car out on the street. A witness left a note describing the
tag and the car and the old man parking up the street, looking at my
car with its new dents and scratches, and walking away. Sadly, this
happened Saturday, so he was long gone. Like a motherfucking beetle
when the lights flip on.

Don't worry, though, my insurance will cover the damage, after the
$500 deductible.

Hoo fucking ray.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to exist in the world. At least
without resorting to homicide.

In other news, I've decided that my science fiction epic Breeding to
Death Part II: Back in the Saddle will feature a Menacing Moonotaur.

iPad Saturday!

IGN Video: Halo Movie Series - Debut Trailer

IGN Video: Halo Movie Series - Debut Trailer