Sarah's Craigslist trolling as been beat

You are an ideal donor if you are 100% Jewish - have a biological mother and father who are genetically Jewish...highly intelligent with high IQ, SAT scores & GPA...between 5' and 5'11"

I'm just saying, the Nazis had the same sort of wish list.

Politics

I suppose I'll put my ten cents in here, not that anybody really cares. More than likely you'll see who the poster is and move on for fear it's probably about pro wrestling or wedding things.

So the economy is crippled and around every corner there's a new country who we would just love to go to war with. So, how is this different than any other time in American history? We've always had somebody who hated us, we've always had some financial crisis just around the corner(or in our case right in our laps). This is something that is never going to change. We complain that McCain would be more of the same but I'm not sure it matters who's in office it's always going to be the same. The left will blame the right and so on and so fourth until we eventually collapse because we can't agree with one another, or at least find a happy medium. I try to stay away from political conversations as much as possible for the pure simple fact that it does nothing but piss people off and occasionally ruin friendships. I know it's fun to say what we think like somebody really cares but more often than not you just end up with egg on your face, as I probably have done just now.

I think we have our heads so far up our own asses that we don't care one bit about who is better for our country we just want to wave our dicks around and say I'm smarter and more informed than you. I don't see how anybody can make an incredibly well informed decision today anyways when all you get is the soap opera anyways. I hear more about Jeremiah Wright and what kind of person he is than I do about Obama's tax plan and McCain's stance on offshore drilling. Oh by the way did you guys know that Sarah Palin is a woman and Barack Obama is a black man? That means this is a historic election. Shouldn't they all be? For christ sake it's all just a show for us to watch so we have something to bitch about on Monday at work while the real issues are brushed under the carpet only to be found by the people who dig deep enough(even then how can you really trust your information?), but who has time for that? I've got Rock Band to play and Heroes to watch right now.

P.S. I do intend to vote for Obama. McCain lost most of my respect when he spoke at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University a few years back. I wanted to post a video of Jon Stewart grilling him on the Daily Show about the speech but it's late and I'm too tired to dig through youtube to find it instead you can read some about it here it was a great interview if you can find the video I recommend you watch it.

Things learned yesterday about Iowa

Last week I was in Lovilia watching the family pets so the parents could go visit Wes. The dog had a tendency of waking me early every day. So I saw morning news programs like CBS Sunday Morning. Two of the stories were about Iowa and topics that I thought you might be amused to hear.

Spencer, IA was home to a cat that somebody had dumped through the book return at the local library. The cat was adopted by the librarian and stayed at the library. They had a naming contest for it and it kept the name Dewey that it had been going by. Now known as Dewey Readmore Books it became internationally famous. Publishers were quarrelling to get the book about the cat's life as written by the librarian and I think they said she got an advance of something to the tune of a half million dollars.

Brit, IA is home to the annual Railriding Hobo convention. Which includes naming of the Hobo king and queen for the year, a Hobo museum, and a parade. This is one of those odd local things where a town is supporting the idea even though the practice is illegal. And these really are railriders coming to town not just a local costume thing. So now you know where you can go get your Hobo fix.

And heard on the radio on the way south today that McCain is apparently going to be having some closed meeting about small business at Martin's workplace tomorrow morning. Invite only but apparently 200 employees will be attending as well, you in that list Martin?

today I met a

Because most of you hayseeds haven't figured out the niftiness that is facebook, I'mma come all the way over here to blogger and post a link.

A Link to nothing special, really. Just some pictures from training yesterday.

We got to burn down a barn.

Yeah, I thought that would make some of you inbreds smile.

What we've got here is failure to communicate.

Paul Newman died the night Reefer Madness opened. I have a feeling that is a bad omen for my acting career. The show has gone well so far, though. We have the next two nights off and, since I've been meaning to rent The Sting anyway, maybe now would be a good time.


"Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand."






























50 eggs!

I don't know no Old James

Gone!

I'm going to wear this saying into the goddamned ground.


1) No orcas
2) Airplanes.
3) Hell naw

The best part? I'm not even trying.

Wall Street has kidnapped the economy! Someone's got to stop them. Are you a bad enough dood?

I have the solution to the economic crisis: Martain Gold.

No really, there is gold on mars. Maybe not as much gold as there is on earth, but no one has been mining martian gold. It's all just sitting there under the red dunes waiting for America to strip mine it out and ship it back to Earth. Expensive? OF COURSE! Prohibitively so, but we've got $700 billion dollars to play with! And I for one would feel much better about giving that money to NASA than to Wall Street.

We have about as much chance making money on the martian gold deal as we do fixing the economy with $700 billion dollars. In fact, the Mars gold rush would be a way smarter investment. It would be a moral victory as well. We'd be the first nation to land a man on another planet. That's right China, Gold medal in the 36 million mile dash: USA. Why don't you put those twelve year olds in a cannon and see how close you can get them?

Who really thinks this bailout is going to work? George Bush. HA! Haven't we learned by now that it would probably NOT be in our best interest to do what George Bush tells us to do? The investment banks probably promised him a cut of the bailout if he'd push it through. Yes, hand those idiots a fat check for fucking up our economy, great idea.

When the stock market crashed in '29 at least the men of Wall Street had the dignity to jump out their windows and go down with the ship. These pathetic fucks want the taxpayers to bail them out. Look, I spent seven months solisiting sub-prime loans for Wells Fargo. They knew what they were doing, and they did it anyway--chasing those big numbers. Now the big number is forclosures and they think we're going to save them because they've got a gun to the head of the economy? "Give us the bailout, or the bitch gets it!"

I thought we didn't negotiate with terrorists, George.

Colonials knew how to handle knaves like these. Black bath with a feather towel-off.

Do the chicken dance you fucking swindlers.

Counteracting Andy's AntiHalloween Terrorist Plot Because He Hates America

Only like... three of you will really get this.

Halloween should be banned

It's a clear case of separation of church and state. Government sponsored Halloween celebrations of any kind should not be allowed. That includes public school functions. Halloween is a pagan holiday just like Christmas or Easter. If the town square can't have a manger, it shouldn't have a jack o' lantern either.

Aside from the obvious chruch/state infringement, there's the whole issue of 'beggar's night'. What responsible society trains its youth to beg? I mean, granted, given the current economic outlook, it could be a beneficial skill for them to learn, but are we setting the right example? Maybe we should have a 'ditch digger's night' or a 'starving artist' night. Teach them to do something constructive. Heck, they could even dig ditches in costume.

Instead of bickering with my co-workers . . .

They're all liars. It's part of the job description. If you took polititians' words at face value, you probably thought the economy was doing good up until about a week ago. Lies and half truths are handed out like cocktail weenies at the company barbeque. You didn't think those were real meat did you?

So when some dude at work started talking about Barack Obama's tax lust, I refrained from mentioning that I'd heard him say he would actually lower taxes for 95% of Americans. Cause really, how do I know that? Obama is almost surely just as full of shit as the rest of them. *

Even if he did secretly plan to raise our taxes through the roof, can you really blame him? Did you get a check from George W Bush? I did! $600 Thanks George, that paid the last month of rent in Ames. My broke ass was thrilled to get it, too. Sure, he left the country in a broken heap behind him, but he gave us all 600 bucks!

It may take some higher taxes to fix the problems we're facing in a post-W America. In fact, I'm pretty sure the next eight years or so are probably gonna suck pretty bad no matter who's president. But what about ten years from now? It only took eight years for GW to completely trash the house, maybe a decent president could have things cleaned up in another eight. Who do you think is more invested in the America of 2016? The young organizer, or the old war vet?

And yes, I would also like to sleep with Sarah Palin, but be realistic--voting for McCain ain't gonna make that happen.

*BTW

Get Drunk and Harass Wes Weekend

Amish was in Denver. He did Denver things. But mostly, he busted ass all over my apartment.

What is your damn problem?!

You should have downloaded this by now.

Or the bootlegged Megaman 7 for the NES (Protip: It says ver.final2)

Handlebar mustaches are ridiculous.

Badass

So yesterday I biffed it on my dirt bike and busted a rib.

I feel so awesomely badass right now.


Probably because of the prescription painkillers.
But still.

I'll just leave this here. For Amish. To fuck himself. With.

I heard once that he liked Asians.

Anyone for proofs?

I've found some odd Iowa things today. The main one being this odd comic showing how the Des Moines Register is printed with Charlie Brown from the 50's. Go forth and read.

I said this before it was Rick Rolling

Rick Astley has metal joints. Beat him up and earn 15 silver points.

Read (not) a (work) Book (safe)

I thought of you, Morgan

In case any of you are interested, one of the Stage West producers sent this email out today, asking for a lighting stage hand:

Hello again zombies and zombettes.

We have a new need for one more crew person for the run of the show. Preferably, they would run one of the follow spot lights. We might be able to find another job for them, if follow spot isn't the right fit. One person for the entire run.

Just thought you might have a friend, family member, co-worker, neighbor, someone you met at a bar last weekend - whatever. They would need to start next Sunday and they don't need any experience. We can train. If you have a suggestion, or need more information, let me know. You can also get back to Nicole.

Thanks,
Ron

Punch Old People

Get Respect from Peers. ...or pears.

Why am I still awake

So while playing Rock Band with Tim and Sarah my drum set's foot pedal final could not handle my awesome foot any longer and broke in half. So yeah I'm drumless til' the Tuesday. On a better note It's Alway's Sunny in Philadelphia continues to be funny. If you're not watching it check it out.

The crank noise at the end is the sound of his heart breaking.

Into the shoot, flyboy

I had a dream last night that was...interesting.

There was this "Street Messiah" who looked like Harold Perrineau. He had this large clump of dirt with him that was his "inspiration." Also, he was this street living vagabond celebrity. So somehow in the course of dreaming, I wind up with his egg and immediately begin to dismantle it. What was inside this Cadbury egg of dirt?

A dead harlequin baby. Mummified, of course, but still gooey to the touch.

So what does one do with a dead baby? I wrap it in Nick's spare blankets (don't fucking question the dream) and threw it in a dumpster behind Ali's school. I look around to see if anyone see my do this atrocity and there is Street Messiah, pointing and laughing maniacally. He then shouts with a booming voice " I saw what ya did thar!" Apparently, he also had a pirate lisp along with a dead harlequin baby mummified in a clump of dirt.



...



Even I am taken back by this dream.

Hell.

So yesterday was probably one of the worst days of my adult life.
You're probably going to snort and roll your eyes and scroll past this, like most of us tend to with all "worst day" posts, but...yeah. I'm still pretty sure it was one of the worst days I can recall.

I thought, for a few hours, that I might potentially lose my little sister to some school-shooting, child-raping, horrible horrible person.

We got a call at about 9:00am. It was a recorded message - I didn't get to hear it, but Dad did.
Emily's (my sister) school was under lockdown. There was a suspect at large, armed and dangerous. parents weren't allowed to pick up their kids, and no one could enter or exit the buildings.

I was a bit rattled, naturally.

And.
I'm not a violent person, but some little part of me wanted to find that man and hurt him. Very badly.

At about 10:00 we got another call from the school. It was still under lockdown, the suspect still armed, dangerous and wandering about.

I turned on the news - CNN, Fox, anything. There's no "local" news station here, so we kind of have to make due.
All the major news stations were covering the hurricane- nothing on Colorado Springs or the fuck with a gun.

I went ahead and texted my sister. "You okay?"
No reply.
I wasn't sure if I should call her or not - the calls from the school were vague, and I had no idea if the gunman was inside the school, slightly to the left of it, or right there, doing horrible, unspeakable things to my little sister.

Around four in the afternoon, my sister finally answered my text. "I'm fine, y?"
So I called her.
Turned out she had been at home all along. Her phone doesn't get reception in her house, though, unless she's in the north corner of the kitchen or something.
She wasn't even at school. Hadn't heard what was going on until I explained about the calls we got from the school.

The six o'clock news mentioned something about it.
Just in passing.
Some guy had hopped in a car in New Mexico and forced the lady to drive to Colorado.
her car broke down outside C. Springs and she ran for it. Got help.
The dude high-tailed it toward the north end of town. Broke in to a couple houses, fucked some people up.
Found some money and, possibly, a gun.
And as a precautionary measure, all the schools were put under lockdown.
For all we know, he was nowhere near then.
So I guess I feel a little silly for worrying, now, but...well, the calls from the schools were pretty damn vague.
Just shows how much panic the imagination is capable of inducing when a loved one is mixed in with phrases like "under full lock-down" and "suspect is armed and dangerous."
To the school's credit, they never actually said the suspect was inside the school. But then again, they never said he wasn't.

So yeah.
I have to say, it was a pretty awful day.

Undead Presidency

I am at work right now, sitting behind the A/V counter in a suit. My only real responsibility left is to man the soundboard while the wedding party gives their speeches. Dull. But what am I thinking about?

Pitch lines scrolling across the screen.

Colored rivets flying towards me in tune to the music.

The thunder of constant (and I do mean constant) bass beats.

That's right, Rock Band 2 is out tomorrow. Or, to be more specific... Rock Band 2 is out at midnight tonight and will be picked up by me on the way home from work. I mentioned in Wes' Spore thread about making a band, and some interest was expressed. So let's get this shit organized:

According to what I've read so far, the Band Leader thing is gone... I don't know how that works. As annoying as it was to have the band tied to one person (made even more annoying by having each person tied to an instrument, a problem that doesn't exist anymore) it certainly made things easier. Leader was on, band was on. Almost certainly they're going to allow you to add new band members though. I don't know how it's going to work with more than 4 people (which we almost certainly will have).

Regardless, when I get home I'm going to create the Undead Presidents (unless we want a different name now) and start unlocking songs solo. If anyone else has picked up the game and wants to help, just let me know.

The first question is obviously, instruments. Since you can switch (and some forumers who have the game early have said you can switch quickly and easily on the fly, very good news if true) I don't think there's any reason not to have multiple options on the table.

In Rock Band 1 I mostly did vocals. I can pass songs on expert and I racked up a few gold stars on the way. I even had a couple of my scores in the top 20 for a while. I also enjoyed playing bass guitar, and more rarely took on lead guitar. I recently bought the Fender precision bass controller, so I'd prefer bass... But I can use it as a guitar too. So really, the only thing I can't do is drums. I'm not that interested in them anyways. Of the three parts I can play, though, I'm fine with any of them at pretty much any time, depending on who else is around.

The second question is a pretty simple one: Songs. The more songs the better, in my opinion!

There's 84 songs on the RB2 disc. Another 20 will be released for free online in the near future. All but three of the songs on the Rock Band 1 disc are exportable (for a small fee) And then there's DLC.

I certainly don't expect everyone to match my DLC habits. (I've bought them all. Yes, all of them. That entire list.) But I wouldn't mind tossing up an Undead Presidents playlist of songs each of us likes. At some point I might put up a list of all the songs I play repeatedly and enjoy (but be warned, that is pretty massive). For now though, I'll just list a few of my must have artists who haven't really done any wrong:

Nine Inch Nails (obvious!)
Smashing Pumpkins
System of a Down
Weezer (but especially Troublemaker and Buddy Holly)
Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Police (especially Synchronicity II and Message in a Bottle)

Most of these artist have a pack or two, but a few just have a couple of singles out. I like having the option of extra songs, but it's certainly not necessary for anyone else to buy anything, especially right now since we have the whole new setlist in RB2 to keep us busy. It also stands to point that many of the "Battle of the Band" weekly challenges and "World Tour Challenges" will be based on things like playing all songs by a certain artist, certain theme, etc which doesn't necessitate DLC, but is vastly enhanced by it.

There's a couple of free songs out there too, namely Still Alive and Charlene (I'm right behind you), so those two at least can add a litte variety for free. And really, who doesn't love Portal and Stephen Colbert?

So yeah, leave your instrument(s), good times to play, extra song selections, or whatever else you feel might be relevant to this endeavor in the comments and I hope to see you all online for some jamming soon!

Halloween Costume Throwdown Votee

Homeless James Bond

vs.

Bizarro! Murphy

It's September, David

I have to keep telling myself this. Why?

Because Halloween is only 45 days away. That is why I should not be buying costumes now.

B-b-but won't the costume stores be desolate by this time next month?

Yes. This thought has occurred to me. But it's fucking September this instant.

...

You are right, self-italicizing font. Fuck it: I need to assemble this costume as soon as possible...

Does anyone else get that feeling there will be a shit-tsunami of Joker costumes? Not good Joker costumes, but half-assed last minute a-holes who slap on Joker paint and get bright colored suits from vintage stores. Some people really have no creativity on their costumes.

Damn it, David! It's only September! Get over your butthurting nerdrage.

*Reference to inside joke*

*complaint about something beyond my control*

*hindsight on previous actions*

*witty website link*

The Building

I finally got to go into the super-secret awesome glass building at NSA today to take a test (eventually I'll work in there), and you know what?
It's really not all that great.

Particular attention to how he says "garlic" the first time

Best video on the internet.

I dream in french now...

I haven't contributed to the blog (if anything I've done could be considered contributing) in awhile. I finally have what I usually give to the blog: a very strange dream.

For some reason, it jumped in and out of french. I was initially staying with people I knew. A french family that was living in this quiet kind of place outside of some town. I was apparently traveling and just passing through. Their oldest daughter who was also visiting, was being set up by her parents to go out with a young man down the road from them.

One evening, they went out on a date while the rest of the family (with me dragged along) went into town to watch a sporting event. It was a mixture of basketball and badminton (sp?). This is where suddenly English was spoken again, because there was a man there who was yelling at the refs, teams, other spectators. He was yelling at the family's other daughter who was actually provoking him. I snapped and yelled at both of them to shut up. She did. He looked indignant, and told me to shut up. I roll my eyes and go back to watching the game. The guy had his little son there as well, who wandered around unattended. The kid basically followed the refs up and down the court. At some point, there was a foul, and a shuttlecock went out of bounds. The kid picks it up and starts taking it apart. The refs are not happy, the players are not happy, the crowd is not happy. And when asked where his parents were he pointed back to the loud annoying man, who was no longer loud. Still annoying though.

Walking back home (in french again) with the family we passed an old carnival and go in to look around. One of the workers gets to talking about a recent rash of dissapearances. Locals that have gone, no real pattern. Everyone is a little freaked out, but head home to see how the daughter's date went.

We arrive at the cottage, find the man wrapped in blanket in front of the fireplace, alone. The family is a bit curious about the whereabouts of their daughter. At which point he tells them deadpan that he killed her. Shock! Turns out he had been the only making people dissapear. Even confessions sound sexy in french.

Skip ahead to me being part of some large naval engagement circa WWII. Two groups of ships have battered themselves to the point where they only way to keep fighting is to send little boats filled with soldier/marines over to try to bodily take the enemy's ships. I've had the misfortune to be put on one of these little boats, but lucky enough to have a group smart enough not to try to bridge the distance between ships during daylight and get peppered with bullets... We get close, passing all manner of small ship, wounded men, and floating appendages. Just as the sun is starting to set, something launches from the side of one of the larger enemy ships, looks a bit like a speed boat, but it glides and skips on the water. It rams the broadside of one of our ships. There's a pause, and then a lot of bright light and debris being propelled in every direction. We eat quickly and gun our boat to a hulk bobbing just off the hull of one of the big ships. Abandon our boat and float in the water waiting for the right moment to strike. Of course that is when I'd wake up.

But where was their leader?

I feel that Goathead would enjoy this.

Aha.

Put that in your smipe and poke it.

Why work when someone else will do it for you?

Something Awful.com covered Dragon*Con.

Complete with snarky remarks, pithy comments, and other rampant forms of nerd mockery.
Which means I don't have to. Enjoy.

Although, there was a Steam Punk Abe Lincoln running around, and I have yet to find a picture of him.
Mine sorrow aboundeth - he was quite awesome, but I was too busy being an attention slut to have remembered my camera...

2,940

And before you try to tell me that is old as internet, really consider how old is the internet:

I hate coming up with titles some days

Wes you should do this someday




For Amish

The Gable Film

Not so much Boggy Creek. But still...

I Am Easily Amused

I just bought these Hollywood Zombie trading cards at an FYE store in Des Moines.  They're like the new generation of Garbage Pail Kids.  Does anyone else remember those?  Am I too old? Anyways check it out 

I also just got on Twitter.  It's amusing, but so far only following people from podcasts I'm listening to.  If your on twitter please let me know so I can bug ya or sign on to it.  

Thats all I got for now and I'll be getting on recording a new podcast soon.  I know your all craving it.  

Later

Calimasturbation

Thought I might as well follow up on Andy's post with a fitting title.

California is a continuing adventure. Work is stress, I learn a lot. I am evidently now scheduled to give at least one talk at a conference (maybe 2). Since the talks are part of the 'official' track I understand they will be recorded and put out among the tubes. This seems weird, but good.

I hear there was an earthquake (my first) around here last night. There was also a Nine Inch Nails concert (my first) around here. I only noticed one of them shaking me, and it was lovely.

Spore tomorrow (though I ordered it so it will be a couple days). Perhaps I am the only one who cares on this front though. P.S. I miss my xbox.

Now it is time to practice Japanese and drink watermelon wheat beer. That is what my Saturday has come to...

Chrome

After two months of selling furniture and relying on returned security deposits to keep gas in my car, I finally got a paycheck this week. I’m afraid the snake eyes sword is still going to have to wait, though. Sad, but I think it’s a sign I’m growing up. Yep, I’m a big boy now. I’ve become a man of serious priorities and a sense of fiscal responsibility. I’ve become a man who is going to blow his entire paycheck on women and alcohol instead of GI Joe swords. I’ve become Amish.

Well, maybe not Amish. Whereas my money will leave me with a belly full of beer and an arm full of blonde, his leaves him with a belly full of whiskey and a hand full of himself.

Speaking of masturbation, did you hear Google has its own web browser now?

I wasn’t interested either until I noticed a story that mentioned some peculiar ownership rules.

“It essentially says that anything you do with the browser is Google property. If you use it to load Google Docs and write a book, then the book belongs to Google.”

So don’t go writing any books using Google Docs, Tim. I bet I stopped you just in time, didn’t I? Aren’t you glad I’m watching out for you? Those Google lawyers are sneaky. They probably would have waited until you were finally finished and while you were celebrating with a ten-dollar six pack they would already have it sold to Penguin.

“But these were my ideas!” You would leap at the Boarders clerk and reach your hand into the till screaming, “This money is mine!” Only to be carted off to the loony bin. The Boarders clerk would stand there staring at you through the window as they threw you into the padded wagon. He would scratch his head and say, “Why the fuck did he write it on Google Docs, anyway?”

Bil mentioned a browser called Opera once upon a time, and I do like that one. It has a Bhagavad Gita widget.

Good ol' Pondsworth

Sarah and I returned home not long ago from a company party (her company) at some resort in the vast and aromatic Disney complex. This sort of thing may sound horrible but there was an open bar and free sushi to beat what I paid for at a dedicated restaurant in Ames.

It was delicious, in other words. I ate a pond's worth of uncooked fish.

I think Kevin's right--don't discount the project because AS is playing hard to get. You might even release the pilot on Youtube or another video site, just to build up a following. I know in the lit world you're in a much better place if you can tell an agent you have a regular blog readership of even a few hundred people, because they know you've developed a grass-roots audience.

Selling grades for CASH!

Tim should give those little plagerists the option to buy their grades. That would teach them a truely valuable lesson about how the world works. If you can't cheat, bribe.

Lately, every paycheck I get feels like a bribe. These temp agencies keep placing me in various levels of cube hell and they'll say "If you can stand to work here we'll pay you a whole twelve dollars and fifty cents an hour!" Yes, that is what my dignity is worth.

Right now I'm sitting inside a building that looks sort of like the fortress of solitude meets the Halo 3 warehouse map. I sit right where the brute shot spawns in a little cube calling every Pizza Hut and Piggly Wiggly in Illinois that hasn't paid the gas bill. It sucks, but it sucks just a little bit less than last week when I was working for a trucking brokerage calling old grizzled truckers and asking if they could fax me some paperwork. "I'll fax it right up yer ass if you call me again fucker!"

You call um fucker they'll take you right off their list.

I have learned an interesting fact about collectors: They have their own language. Its sort of like leet only they use accounting jargon instead of computer jargon. Such as:

wta said will call back-took 800 nmbr and hu wthout taking acct nmr ss

Or this:

lm on a/p v/m-mentioned cc/cbp

How about this one:

dscvd #4dwight is 414 384 8120 hws wndrg rnd smwr 4gt to lv cnct nfo

And another:

lm4teh gd doc h/ws drlln

and another:

tt chem lab rep sd Ed Lucas retired she ref me to ap dnky shw inv nf & cn't ││bfxd bcz ap 2stpd 2yz fxmchn

and my favorite:

current bchs!

Dave, if this cartooning thing doesn't work out, I could probably get you a job here. Just don't forget to AFC!

Plagiarists

For those of you who were passionate about my cheapo students:

I found four altogether, and the remarkable thing was that none of them even bothered to build the most rudimentary of camouflage into their papers. Some were so lazy as to include color-altered text (from the copy-paste), and some included text properly colored but so fundamentally professional in nature that I had no choice but to Google phrasings.

The most appalling thing about this wasn't that students would freak out and swipe papers from the internet, but that they would assume I wouldn't be able to recognize NYTimes-grade writing as distinct from the half-assed and ill-written papers of my best students. I had one student who earnestly says "womans" in class turn in a paper that might have been in the running for a Pulitzer. This same student showed up for the first time the seventh week of class. Because I teach in a school that might as well be in an anime where the main characters find tentacles popping up in the basement and administrators worshipping the Devil, this isn't a major issue. As long as people rub wads of money on the financial aid reps, they can show up finals week with news copy stapled to their faces and reasonably expect an A.

I just jam words together

Adult Swim is not looking for anything superhero right now (The actual term they used is Defunct super-anything). Nor are they looking for anthologies so Denally is flat out, much like Amish. I may have to stoop low enough to go to Viacom for either.

So what are my alternatives?

The Hamburgers
Phallical Shark (so shiny!)
Steam Punk Civil War Romance
A bar for bar fighting

As well, I keep looking at Tim and Sarah's $10 payment for artwork. Well, the spaghetti got wet when I was boiling it, so it's in the dryer. Here is a picture as I distract you enough to forget about:

Check out this

shirt.

How the Future Sucks

Just now I was tooling around Grand Theft Auto Town in a stolen car while listening to internet radio and basically killing time while swilling soda and happened to notice a cop a few blocks away with the cherries going, tearing ass through an intersection. I haven't played the game recently but couldn't remember seeing many cops lit up in pursuit of non-me entities too many times anyway, so I turned around and shadowed the cruiser through town. They led me to the spot where I'd stolen my current ride, maybe five minutes before. I was like, man, they are looking for this car. For this very car. Then they busted up my windshield with bullets and I got out of there.

Oh man!

Back in the real world: on the way home from work today I decided to write a series of posts titled How the Future Sucks. These posts will examine the one hundred thousand ways that current life has left us bitter and disappointed, with frustrated expectations. I thought about naming this series Everything you Want, but decided against it after realizing it was influenced by the radio.

Today's entry: The Cuban Sandwich

In Ames last winter while killing an afternoon with Lauren I ordered a Cuban sandwich from a waitress in The Café, on the north side of town. This was a ritzier place I went to infrequently, the kind of place where sometimes you have to wait and where there's a separate room for a bakery (but where, still, all sodas come out of cans, mysteriously). I had never heard of Cuban sandwiches but this one came with baked and house-made plantain chips and it seemed impossible to go wrong.

The Cuban came and it was roast pork and un-roast pork and mustard and pickles and a thin layer of black beans pressed between two flattened and once-buttered slices of bread. Fuck my dog, it was incredible. So good. The sandwich tight and crisp and the chips salty. The thing more delicious with each bite.

When I decided to move out here to the rest home of America with Sarah I thought, at least there will be delicious Cuban sandwiches. At least if a restaurant in Ames, Iowa can produce such a delicious sandwich, I will be able to find better in a place with a large Cuban population.

Despite my anticipation, Sarah made it to a Cuban first, at some sort of work-related lunch. That night she expressed disappointment. "It was just ham," she said, or something like that. "You have strange taste," I said, or something like that, because she does. She won't eat beans most days and once was sent into a rage by a chili dog. However, I myself picked up a Cuban later that week and was similarly disappointed. I picked up another one at a different restaurant and was just as disappointed.

Was all lost? Was all hopeless? All was, until I went in for a job interview at a donkey show of a school on the north side of this town and found the interviewer out to a long lunch. I tooled around an unfamiliar district and went to an Office Max for ink and paper and then noticed the motherfucking Cuban Café just down the street. Inside, the place was all newspaper racks and chilled and unfamiliar sodas and a menu written on a white board and a handful of people who spoke kindly and accented English. I ordered a Cuban and sat with a newspaper alone and waited and fantasized the food that would appear and found myself ten minutes later holding a slightly greasy and slightly dry ham sandwich with a few condiments tucked inside.

What the fuck, I might have said.

And since then I have avoided Cubans altogether but today I picked one up on the way home when I stopped in the local grocery to pick up tortillas for dinner and soap for our hands and salmon for the future and then ate that sandwich as I drove to the post office. I wasn't expecting much and so was not disappointed but this thing was nowhere near the one I'd eaten at The Café last year. The pickles were crammed to one side and there was no roasted pork and the saddest thing was that even this was better than the Cuban I'd picked up at the Cuban Café here in Florida.

And perhaps the saddester thing is that of the six or so Cubans I've had since arriving here the best I've had was served by a flustered clerk at an overpriced quick-service restaurant at what used to be MGM and is now called something else. There was rain outside and it was eight and we'd slugged down five-fifty beers and maybe that had something to do with the taste but something about that sandwich was better than any others I'd eaten since getting here. It still was nowhere near the meal I picked up in Ames last winter.

Two turn tables and a megaphone.

Pictures.


Legato Bluesummers and Dominique the Cyclopse. fucking anime.


Steve the blood-donating Trojan.


Captain Morgan and a nurse who happens to be holding a baggie of my blood.
My Blood.


The four horsement of the apocalypse, The Undertaker, and Harvy "Two-Face."


Four daleks and that Futurama robot.


The view from the floor our suite was on.


The Tick.


Axel Rose and some vandal who stole an interstate sign.


Buddy Buddha.



More later. Maybe.
Or I'll just link an album. If I get one compiled.
Or y'all can just go to D-Con next year.

Tabula not so rasa

So yeah.
D-Con was in-fucking-credible.
When I can peel my ass out of bed for more than just an e-mail check and a pee break, I'll start linking/posting pictures.
Until then...



I met Adam West.

Look what I found today

Earthbound Replay: The First Twenty Minutes

Dave's post about bizarro Giygas theories got me thinking last week: hey, it's been a while since I played that game. And the three day weekend here had me thinking: hey, it'd be much more fun to sit around tap-tap-tapping into a game emulator than to sit around tap-tap-tapping into an extended work of writing or clean-clean-cleaning the apartment. Or register-register-registering my junked out car.

If you played Earthbound back in the days of hamburger comics and trips to the Baptist church and of knocking out entire 24-packs of Mountain Dew in a single evening, your dominant impression of the game was probably that it was damn goofy. Somehow this detail slipped into the dust behind my brain and so I was surprised, in the first battle after the meteor strikes in the mountains, to have a pastry stolen from me by an enemy.


And of course you're fighting a spiteful crow because the game's primary enemy, Giygas, has turned the animals of the world against you. After you bludgeon them with your cracked bat, they don't die, but they do become tame again.

After throttling a few tiny woodland creatures, you finally make your way to a hilltop, only to be approached by a bee from the future and a mysterious pervert outside the shack where he lives alone. What does he have to say to you?


But--but what could he mean by that? After noticing the friends tagging along with you, he seems reluctant to say.