The father of the species was Chupacabraham

I woke up this morning determined to end the years-long silence on the blog. But then my dreams were shattered as I saw two new posts. You filthy pig-licking grandpa-masturbating bastards.

You are also pig-masturbating grandpa-licking bastards.

I am at home because I am Diseased. So far the Disease is presenting itself sort of like the Black Death, except without the boils. So I have designated as the Gray Death, or the Light-Black Death. I'm going into the research pit after lunch, because then my assistant has gone home and I can coat the floor with used kleenex in peace.

Holy shit, how did I forget? This interrupts the whole course of this post, but: when I was in Cedar Falls last weekend the Hy Vee was selling Pitch Black for fifty cents a pop (get it, a pop . . . hyuck) and so I hauled a whole big carton of it to the register. Then the counter girl started ringing up the individual sodas and just finally made this exasperated sigh and sold me the whole thing for seven bucks. Yes! If I had known that was going to happen, I would have bought all the fucking black Dew in the store. Then earlier this week I got a free bottle of Smirnoff from a different hy vee. So I'm not shopping anywhere else now for anything.

I've been researching car buying and came across this article. It's pretty entertaining and interesting, but if you prepare to read it be warned that the writer originally did it as a serial, so there's some overlap between sections and the whole thing is too long. Good for skimming.

If anyone in the DM area wants to go to dinner tonight, leave a comment here. And remember that I have the Gray Death. So let's eat some burritos.

The father of the species was Chupacabraham

I woke up this morning determined to end the years-long silence on the blog. But then my dreams were shattered as I saw two new posts. You filthy pig-licking grandpa-masturbating bastards.

You are also pig-masturbating grandpa-licking bastards.

I am at home because I am Diseased. So far the Disease is presenting itself sort of like the Black Death, except without the boils. So I have designated as the Gray Death, or the Light-Black Death. I'm going into the research pit after lunch, because then my assistant has gone home and I can coat the floor with used kleenex in peace.

Holy shit, how did I forget? This interrupts the whole course of this post, but: when I was in Cedar Falls last weekend the Hy Vee was selling Pitch Black for fifty cents a pop (get it, a pop . . . hyuck) and so I hauled a whole big carton of it to the register. Then the counter girl started ringing up the individual sodas and just finally made this exasperated sigh and sold me the whole thing for seven bucks. Yes! If I had known that was going to happen, I would have bought all the fucking black Dew in the store. Then earlier this week I got a free bottle of Smirnoff from a different hy vee. So I'm not shopping anywhere else now for anything.

I've been researching car buying and came across this article. It's pretty entertaining and interesting, but if you prepare to read it be warned that the writer originally did it as a serial, so there's some overlap between sections and the whole thing is too long. Good for skimming.

If anyone in the DM area wants to go to dinner tonight, leave a comment here. And remember that I have the Gray Death. So let's eat some burritos.

How far can you get this banana...oh god i cant finish shes staring at me!!!

Ugh. Does anyone remember the night I requested Andy to pound my crotch with a fanoodle? Yeah. I need it again. Jaime was supposed to be at the damn airport. She was goin to New Mexico for some reason I wont divulge. Any who....she had a layover--heh heh heh. Well she was supposed to. . . cept airlines are fucking stupid. Her damn flight got rerouted and it was a direct flight or some shit. So I didnt get to see her on her layover. But NO. Nobody told me this till like....I was there for three damn grandmother fuckin hours. Bah. Love my damn life. Get a fucking fanoodle, Gotesy. My whole day was wasted afterwards, too. Lynn had me go shopping with her. Or more or less...I drove, she shopped, I watched in dismay as she got another damn schoolgirl outfit. Sonova Bitch. Fanoodle me again.

This weekend, Im going to drink until I dont have emotional feelings anymore.

Hobbits found!

Scientists rejoice: "We've found conclusive evidence of Hobbit-like humans! Even their skeleton's are cute!"

Yes, the skeletal remains of "Hobbitlike" humans were found on the Indonesian island Flores, east of Java. These creatures used primitive tools and smoked "pipeweed", also found on the island. The team of scientists currently analyzing the site believe that this hominid may be the distant ancestor of Kelly Gorzimukowski and family.

I think it was a brilliant decision to compare these ancient humans to hobbits. Whoever made that decision was definately smoking some pipeweed of his or her own.

Tastes like burning

Bah. Barnes&Noble can go to Hell. I think they have a reserved section of hell just for that too. It has a Starbucks and everything. Why this sudden hatred? Besides the fact they sodomize the lil' book store competition, theyre communist pigdogs. This morning I had a job interview w/'em. Everything seemed ok, until the douchey lil guy ( who prolly drives an SUV to compensate for his lack of penis ) asked me if I would be available for the Thanxgiving rush--day before/after. Since Im assuming Im still goin to FLA for that week, I ALMOST lied...but didnt and told the truth. To which he replied: "Well we are only looking for people to work the holiday rush times, especially around thanxgiving." ...WHAT . THE. FUCK. I had the damn application sitting there SINCE SEPTEMBER. Fucking douches. And I could VERYMUCHSO imagine that I would of worked the day before, day after thanxgiving for 8 hours, then maybe a total of 20 hours and then theyd terminate the seasonal jobbers--i.e. me. Fuck that. Fuck them. Fuck them and Starbucks. Together. With the same barb wire and molten glass dildo. Ugh. Im going to be a professional diamond thief and not have to worry about "income" or any of that crap.

And you all better be voting, or else youll be tasting the business end of my boot.

EDIT: Got to go here NOW!!! Its the REAL Paris Hilton video that no one wanted you to see ( trust me...you wont get virussed)!!!

You'll dance a dickless jig!

For you, all of my brothers and sisters in sickness, I offer salvation in the form of green liquid! NyQuil has saved me many times from the demons of sore throat, stuffy nose, sneezing, coughing and congestion. Not only did it rid my body of these horrible symptoms, it made me feel like I'd just pounded a fifth of Jack and then it made me sleep for TEN HOURS!

You say you can't afford the $4.65 price tag? I say you can't afford not to throw down that measley fiver for this sledgehammer in a bottle!


In other news: I have a new job! I have been meaning to announce this publicly for a week or so, but I keep putting it off. I am now a Desktop Publishing Specialist(1) at Wells Fargo Financial. Sounds important doesn't it? Well, you might think otherwise if I gave you a job description, so I'm not going to give you a job description. That solves that.

Go now my children. Drink the green liquid and continue to believe that I have an important job! Go! Remember, it's the bottle emblazoned with the huge fucking 'Q'!

We're goin' to smoke'em out!

Blah. I have a head cold now. If I could spread it all to you I would w/o 2nd thought. It is the high mucous, sore throat, non-sleepin sort of flu, too. Its the equivelance of having a large melon RAMMED into one's nasal cavity and having to eat a trailmix of tinfoil, razors, and broken glass.

The internet T1 hullabaloo here is pissin the fuck out of me. It will work for five minutes....then BAM. Logs me out for about an hour. Those 5 minutes im gettin about 356Kb/s download...but is it worth it?

Novo: I need your addy. I have See Ess for you if your interested.

All your base are now belong to Mike Didka

Hoo boy. My friend Ali is buying Photoshop CS tomorrow w/ her new computer. Silly girl. One doesnt buy CS....one borrows CS. Its madness. I posess CS on a disk at this moment...and it prolly wont work on my computer. People here think Im joking when I tell them I have a 63.3 MB RAM computer. Its quite sad.

In other news--Im flat broke. Broke as fuck. No surprise to anyone. I aquired some rum tonite and now my rum tum hurts. Blah.



PS GO TO MY DEVIANT ART!!!

I'll show you where that toast goes, baby...

I just dreamt that a tank full of man-hating women rolled through my neighborhood firing at houses and people with penises. And they weren't even kissing each other! Damn . . .

As for Wes's Psychedelic Breaktime Funfest: I already have plans to be out of town this weekend, but let's either build a zeppelin in Albia or steal one up here the following Friday. And anytime next week I'm up for anything, although my 8 am jobtime sort of neuters me on the going-to-Albia issue. But I'm up for staying up until 6:55 here and housing people on the couch. And so many goodwills and Slavnation Armies up here full of old electronics...you know you want it.

Presidential debates

I thought you guys would get a kick out of this. Go to www.atomfilms.com and click on the stuff with the presidential sutff. It's pretty funny, my psychology of adjustment professor showed it to us today, and we watched a bunch of them.
Funny stuff.
C'est les temps pour français aujourd'hui.
:(

Everyone will have his day to buy (and roast) a hotdog.

My job is pointless. Personally, at least. The workforce in my building is 90% giggly/gossipy women, 9% burnt-out male middle-aged gov't employees, 1% Tim. Let the suicide pool begin!

Wait.

Make that the burnt-down-government-building pool.

Wait.

Make that the charred-corpse-loving pool.

Heh. Heh.

Fall break

Well. I will be home for fall break next week. Arriving early afternoon Saturday, probably be home through the following Saturday. I would like to kick around through 2nd hand (Salvation Army/Goodwill) type places and pawn shops for electronic goodness. Figure I'll hit up Ottumwa for sure, probably drag Amish along. Wouldn't mind hitting up Des Moines for the same purpose and seeing all you far away fuckers too. Thoughts? Any times when you aren't all working? Other things of goodness that we could partake in?

Ug, now on to writing 5-10 pages of philosophical discourse. Next week just doesn't seem that close...

Reminder: Kill the human known as Randall.

Some higher power must like torturing me. I fear that Im going to relive my Kirkwood dorm's nightmare, seeing how one entity is the embodiment of all that was and still is evil. As well, the internet here is fucked up because a bunch of kids are downloading movies simutaneously, bogging down our T1 line to the point that weve had a fed come and escort a kid out of here. No shit. Hence, my internet has been down.

School is ok. Im still trying to figure out how i was marked absent for 6 of 11 days in a class where i turned in all my assignments and have the files of such dated for those six days. The douchy teacher claims that he doesnt recall me having good attendance. Bah to his dumbass.

Otherwize? I want December 18th to stroll along. I need to return to Iowa. Im going to lose it like Peter in Office Space. And yes. I did get the memo.

He had four aces and a .357, so we let him win

Blah.
I have never been so unmotivated in my entire life. Well, I'm sure I have been, but I have no motivation to do anything. And I sure as hell don't want to study for the 5th day in a row of testing that is comming my way.
Oh well, at least the test I take tomorrow will be in English, which will be a first....(All others have been in French) In other news, I think I'm comming back next weekend, if anyone cares. Need to retrieve some things from my house. Goathead, do you still have those books? I'd be very much appreciative, I didn't get them from you the last time I was home.
I did finally find a damned job up here, but I am still looking for other employment. I work at the bakery in Redeker, get $6.50 an hour, work every other weekend, and it's a 10-minute walk from my place of residence. I'm bored as hell when I'm at work, so mostly we don't do much, and what we do end up doing, isn't hard at all. So, when I tell people that I'm looking for another job, and describe everything I just did, they think I'm nuts. It's just not my thing, so it's a temporary deal. (We only get paid once a month, whereas I'm used to bringing home money every night from waitressing)
So, I'm off to light fireworks, cure cancer, or do something to motivate me to study. Probably go on a walk, and think about life in general. Any ideas on motivators?
To all a good night, and I hope that everything is going well for the lot of ye!
Take it easy.
Edit - 11:45 pm Friday night: I just got back from a party and one of my PROFESSORS was there...How weird is that?

They threw me into a pizza oven with his picture and told me to have at it....

Holy fuck. Like.... 2 years ago, the physical Attic Apartment came into existance. But back then Lillith, Slayer of Tiamat and Controller of DaveO (I call her Jaime) ruled supreme. And a YEAR ago, I was finishing up registering for this money grobbeling STD riddled whore I call Art School. Fuck. We are all getting old. In about 4 years, Kelly will be able to drink with us, Gert will have collapsed in upon his own gravity, and Amish will have gotten laid. Well, maybe not the Amish part... And soon, the ethereal Attic Apartment will be a year old and sooner or later will be walking and dating and leaving for college and throwing us into a 2nd rate retirement home and spending the money it saved on a nice persian rug.

Time...is NOT on our sides.

Grapefruit is a source of true and lasting happiness.

Tim is a liar. He told me he was moving to an apartment in Ankeny, near the place where I currently live. I was so excited by all the possibilities that this proximity of dwelling offered. Imagine how crestfallen I was when I read that he had betrayed the beauty of Ankeny for a smelly apartment on the stinky south side. TRAITOR!

Luckily for Tim, I have a grapefruit today, so the potency of my wrath weakened quickly after I ate some of it. Grapefruit is happy fruit. It makes me feel bright and sunny in my bowels. I can't stress enough how awesome it is, especially on days like this. Days that would otherwise make you feel gross and stinky in your bowels.

This week is jeans week here at Wells Fargo. This is a magical time where all the boys and girls employed with Wells Fargo have the option of wearing jeans EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK! Oh, I can barely manage to contain my glee. (or maybe that's an impulse to strangle ... ?) The catch is: You have to pay $15 for a special "jeans-week sticker". This sticker is like a ... well its kind of like ... a fucking joke, yeah, that's what its like! They came by and asked me if I wanted to purchase a $15 piece-of-shit sticker so that I could have the privilege of wearing jeans all week. I said, "No, thanks." What I wanted to say was "No, thanks, but I'd prefer to wear slacks for four days and have the privlege of buying a bottle of cheap whiskey with the $15 I'd save. Bitch."

Well paint me red and shove a crowbar up my nose!

Day Four: Still no footage of Mothman. Team morale grows thin.

Yes, it's true: the research job is purely related to the uncovering and exposure of cryptozoological and otherwise paranormal phenomena. I have full access to a teched-out van, classified records, and cool gray suits tailored to hide holsters.

At least, that is what I will tell myself as I go to bed tonight.

Jordan Creek Mall is a big nasty whore. The thing was so pumped up, and in a way all the build-up was right: it is a fuckin huge mall, with a bunch of stores that aren't usually here. But in an evil way; everything is so fancy schmancied and sleek (and expensive) that it seems guiltily gaudy even to be there. The Barnes & Noble, however, is exempted from this dismissal, being huge and loaded with books, and having its own little table of Halloween-appropriate literature. Hell yes! I wanted to pick up this book on demon mythology in various cultures and time periods, but it was in the fifteens of dollars and my cash count was in the fifteens of cents. Blame it on Hardees. Two egg and cheese biscuits: $3.87! They musta been charging for the extra grease . . .

Yesterday I decided: maybe living inside the actual boundaries of Des Moines proper wouldn't be so bad. So today I hauled my arse about town checking out apartments, most of which were mediocre at best, and had stains on the carpet and toilet at worst. I found a decent-to-good place on the south side of town, sort of off Army Post, where the rent was (relatively . . . oh so relatively) low, and utilities consisted of nothing but an electric bill. So that is where I can be found for the next twelve months at least. Unless I fake my death to break the lease.

Today a secretary at the office cornfusedly called and asked me to bring by some papers. I showed up unshaven and in jeans, thinking that this was a great way to make a first impression on whatever employees and supervisors I hadn't met yet. Some slump-shouldered guy who kept hitching up his khakis was listening to the receptionist, so I took a seat. She mentioned that he'd been let go, then he asked her to call someone and she said secretarial listening things like "Uh huh. He should go home and wait for your call, right. Okay." This guy was fired, and from a completely different division of the building, but still I felt bad when the receptionist asked him to wait a second, turned to me, and I had to say that I'd just been hired, and here were my parking sticker papers.

Tonight the Bil-eating couch I usually sleep on is on the porch, waiting to be loaded into a truck, and so I have to sleep upstairs in the Haunted Room. I haven't slept up here since mid-high school, when weird noises got the better of me. I heard rattling in the walls, and sometimes I thought there were voices. Now I know that I was hearing animal(s) in the walls, and that whatever I heard then has gotten big enough now to dislodge chunks of plaster or wood or something every once in a while. A few weeks ago I was talking to Alyssa and the thing in the wall sneezed. That was weird.

Kicking your ass in the name of the LORD, bitch!

...I just watched Tromeo & Juliet and Terror Former. Troma Films are seriously the love childs of Amish and Nick. Sex, death, and a very tiny plot. Madness. I figured that if we ever wrote a movie script, Troma would HAVE to make it for us. Plus somehow they find fuckin hot women to do fuckin insane shit. Theres just something beautiful about a man being killed with a club with Hitler's head on it...or a trio of victims singing gospel music.

Troma Films. Fucked up enough to enjoy.



Oh. And in desperation, Im applying at Lil' Caesars tomorrow. Cuz I need to make ends meet. And pizza is never bad. . . right?

Sunshine today

Sweet mother of God, I have a job! FINALLY!!!!
*happy dance*

Way back in the funky 70's

I have an announcement, too. Im officially quitting lookin for a job and Im going to become a professional diamond heister. The pay is great but I must sneak past laser protection systems and the whole like. Plus, I need to find an orchestra to play my sneaking music.

Otherwize, I have a new friend......sorta. Her name's Elizabeth. Shes into Aqua Teen and Clerks but is a hardcore vegan....except when it comes to cheese. No one can escape the power of cheese. NO ONE!

Unleash the giant dog!

I am now a researcher for the state. Hiring took place over a cell phone as I rode in the back of Amish's car, frantically digging around for a pen as the lady rattled off names and numbers.

So I'm moving to Des Moines. Hopefully sometime this week.

And now that I'm employed, I intend to make good on my promise to put my first paycheck toward a giant dog suit.

Edit: Dear God, dog suits are expensive. And hard to find. So maybe I won't be making good on that promise after all . . .