I know what this means...

They are attempting to summon.....


GOAT HEAD!!!

What really happened to Amish that night

Six Days Later....

I still don't have the beer-soaked tickets promised to me in the mail.

Where did they go? It is a mystery.

I know what I'd do with it.

I'd go back in time of course.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4644351427

Someone Should Really Tell Amish

Idiotic People

I was talking to someone today and they thought that Electric Six wrote a song called "K-Mart".

You.
I wanna take you to a K-Mart
I wanna take you to a K-Mart
Take you to a K-Mart, K-Mart, K MART

I thought that they were being retarded, but they weren't. They were dead serious.Now abeit it being as hilarious as Gay Bar, I had to tell them they were dead wrong.

Do you have any money? I wanna spend all your money at the K-Mart!

Amish: Say hello to my little friend! *drops pants*

I remember the last time Andy was addicted to a game. It was DOA: Beach Volleyball Jigglies. Too bad his 30 hours of play rewarded him with nothing. But hey: Thanx again for the tickets. Heres my addy again cuz you people are about as forgetful as goldfish:

5785 East 8th Ave
Denver, CO 80220

I watched this film called What the (Bleep)Do We Know. It was...decent? Da Vinci Code was another film I recently watched. It was good, cept I knew all that jazz they talked about on the film. So none of it was shocking to me. I was waiting for the old man to start using magnetism or scream "NUMMMB COCK!" and stop Tom Hanks' crazy hairdo or make the girl from Amelie appear in my room with a samurai robe and a vat of pudding.

Also: might buy Weed Wagon 3-point-oh when I get back in July. Its a convertable and its red and its got 90k on it. I just need to get $2k from the grandmother/ dad/ Illuminati and it's mine.

FOES THE CARTOON is going to rock. A lot.

Amish's penis

So tiny!

Ronnie died! From what? He OHed. What? Over Haloed. His heart just couldn't take all that Halo.

I too know the siren call of Fight Night Round III. I like it almost enough to buy a damn 360 so I can play the sequel. Almost... I’ve played it at Kevin’s, and aside from it looking damn amazing on his huge TV, I couldn’t tell a big difference.

I’m not looking forward to Halo 3 coming out. Not at all. Because then I really will have to buy one of those expensive machines and immediately after I do, my life as I know it will end and Master Chief will take over. I suppose it’s just as well, I don’t think I really wanted to excel in grad school anyway.

Tim, maybe we can make a pact to keep each other (and Cricket) from flunking out of grad school due to OH (over Haloing).

This morning I found Dave’s train ticket and the Mediacom bill both damp from some fucking retard at the house spilling some unknown liquid on the table where they were laying.

Some of the papers were already dry and stuck together and pulling them apart proved fatal, but a few were still damp and should be fine now. I don’t think the ticket itself was damaged beyond the point of usability, but it was a close call.

The guilty party is lucky I wasn’t there to witness their stupidity, because they would be at the dentist with Tim right now. Getting fitted for false teeth.

I’ll be mailing that to you either today or tomorrow Dave. Before any more unfortunate mishaps occur.

David Wells! David Wells anthem! David Wells! David Wells, yes!

HELLO.

Guess where I am? The land of Kenny

(and typing his name there reminded me, I had a dream about Kenny! Last night! How odd--that I would dream of Kenny. But I did. Kenny Kenny Kenny. In my dream he was thick and strong, and his golden locks rippled over his neck, and he stood on the bow of a ship, arms crossed, surveying his sailors--

No, that is not the dream I had of Kenny. I actually don't remember any details.)

and Jum & Go and Grt. I am in Albia. Three nights ago I bit a cursed Mike & Ike and broke a tooth. You know how dentists usually say, this won't hurt at all, and then it hurts like a bitch? Well, today he said, it's gonna hurt, buddy. So what the hell does that mean? What agony am I in for?

Here is some other news: I found my phone. You probably didn't know I lost it. But I did.

Here is some more news: the email account I stored Nick's addy in his expired. So Nick, what's your email address? If you don't want to put it up here, email it to me at pharaoh@gmail.com, pleeeeease. I have a hankering to write to you.

Friday Wes showed up in Des Moines with a boxing video game in his bag. Fight Night Round III. As you may know, I once signed a blood oath against all sports video games, but this fucking boxing game has me by the bollocks. Yesterday I boxed the ears off motherf-ers for about four hours straight. But then I faced off against the dreaded Oscar de la Hoya, and was mercilessly pummeled. Heidi and Sarah looked on in pity.

The Drunkest Man alive

Some Lithuanian dude stole the title from Ryan (who stole the title from Tim, who stole the title from me) by blowing a 7.27 (that's grams per liter of alcohol).

You can find the article here.

That gives me a weird idea: I wonder if you could have gotten drunk off that guy's blood?

Do you think there's a market for that sort of thing? Wine made from human blood? I bet there's some freaky-freakies with mad cash who might be willing to shell out the big bucks for some black market booze blood.

Now I just need to get Ryan to drink this entire bottle of Everclear . . .

Math problem

Start with one grafitti'd truck:

Add one enthusiastic door to door salesman with a spray bottle and a sponge, and subtract $45...

What do you get?


One clean truck:

and 1 bottle of damned expensive cleaner:


Isn't math fun?

If Heidi can't get the paint off her truck, I have a whole bottle of the stuff.

If you don't pay up...We'll take your nuts!

Have you ever been in so much debt that you contemplate faking your own death to avoid it. Well I've never been in that much debt but all the bills I've yet to pay for services I don't use any more are just depressing. If going all "Fight Club" and blowing the hell out of the corporate offices of all these places was a feasible plan then I would be the first to set the charges. Still I don't think I'm so in debt to reach this point but when ever I see a bum I almost envy them. No one to answer to and no responsibilities. Sure we think they have it tough, but do they really. How much untaxed income to they bring in. You never see a bum with out cigarettes, beer, or a sandwich. That's all they need to be happy? Then why can't I find that happiness? Oh ya. Because I'm in debt and they won't let me die. Like a corporate zombie, I;m doomed to walk the earth forever working low income jobs even after I'm dead.

Continuing the theme of car troubles

My car is haunted by the ghost of a mollested and murdered little girl. So I'm going to sell it on eBay. Ghosts are scary.

Wes: I hear ya. But apparently, Sara is single again. At least you didnt run into her/"other" at a restaurant while you were still sorta official.

And finally: David Wells Party??? Yes no? Its the single most exciting notion I have left anymore.

Bollocks...

Well. I found the girl's parents at graduation. I kind of thought they were saving a seat.

Well, they were. But it was for the "other man" whom I hadn't heard tell of since our February break up. I had thought that we might actually get back together, and the things she had said leading up to today had done little to contradict this...

Well fuck.

I was shocked.
I am dissapointed,
but not angry.
But mostly I think I am relieved.

I hope she can be happier. It hurts me to think she was unhappy for some time while she was with me. I wish she would have just told me what was going on, instead of making me find out. Other than that I don't really fault her, I guess maybe we just weren't meant to be. I can't say I'm not guilty either though. I should have picked up on things sooner. I just wanted so desperately to think that she was unaffectionate because she was too stressed, rather than that she just didn't want to be affectionate to me.

One thing did make me angry. I can't even say why exactly. I'm not angry at the "other man", but I was furious that he wouldn't look me in the eye. That just really got to me.

Ultimately I don't entirely know what to think. I wish it would have worked out differently. It seems that us being together wasn't to be, but I wish it could have at least ended better(more certainly and sooner). I hope we can not hate each other, friends would be nice, but it probably won't be easy. It is a relief though. Not knowing anything, just waiting, was driving me insane...

Fuck.

I am having vehicle problems too...somebody sideswiped me in my own driveway...there's bits of brake light caught in the side of my car.

ESR can kiss my ass

ESR mean anything to anybody?

Wheelchair kryptonite

One of my favorite pasttime activites at work is editing Urban Dictionary entries. There is an olympic swimming pool worth of shit to wade through--people trying to bash each other, unamusing racial nonsense, indecipherable 1337 speak--but occasionally you come across some real gems.

stairs:

Wheelchair kryptonite.

Person: "Hey, let's go down these stairs."
Wheelchair Person: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

We gotta have a cake. Finally it's time to make a cake.

When no one was looking, Lex Luthor took forty cakes. He took 40 cakes. That's as many as four tens. And that's crazy.

Armada of Awesome

Do any of y'all remember the play practices where we were obsessed with makin paper airplanes? I remember making this giant plane carrier loaded up with about 6 lil planes and it failed miserably upon its maiden voyage.

Well, there was this thing on TV this morning about paper planes. Apparently, they've only been around as long as actual human flight. Freakin wierd that its only been about 100 years+ since thats made, and about every person in 'Murica can make a paper airplane, but they don't know where the fuck United Arab Emmerance is located.

Wacky.

I love my signage

And yes, that's Mr. Saturn Font.

The Crying Game

So not that it's important or anything but I quit that shitty job for another shitty job. It's the same thing only at a different company. So everyone wish me luck. If anyone remembers my ranting in the comments section, I will not have to worry about losing that extra hundred or health insurance for a while. Which works out for me being that the place I work is going to a Abernathy system. Look it up. Read up on it. Tell me it's not a scam and I'll tell you I got a bridge for sell.

Dave: I wish you the best of luck. I know a guy who could make that guy disappear for a small price. Just saying. Think about it.

Now I'm off to drink another Tilt energy beer. Drink four of them really fast and you get a buzz but won't pass out because your heart's beating to fast. I recommend it to any one up at 3am.

Last time on Urban Dead

I was alive and a scout. I signed out in a place I thought was secured, thinking my character would be a-okay. That was a few months ago though. I found my password and signed in. I was inside the Purnell Building, now I'm lying outside of it, and unsurprisingly, one of the undead now. Well, so much for my aspirations to become a legendary zombie slayer.

Urban Dead

May 27/28

Everyone needs to be in Cedar Falls on the night of the 27th (Andy's birthday) because at midnight (my birthday) we are going to get beligerantly drunk.
Drunk as fuck.
DRUNK AS FUCK.



....That is all.

I DON'T CARE WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE; YOU ARE GOING TO WATCH THIS!

It'll be around forever. Mwa. Ha. Hah!

Some don't even wear their skin.

HELLO.

Kevin: that sucks. I've never understood policies like that. If an employer reserves the right to schedule you two days or whatever in advance, that's effectively them removing your ability to plan your life. You had this Omaha trip planned for a couple weeks.

At Pizza Hut, the official policy was, your schedule could be changed up until the time it started. So that if I had the day off, I could be scheduled to work at 5 up until 4:59. This is why when my cell phone rang, instead of saying PIZZA HUT on the caller ID, it said DO NOT ANSWER!!!

I'm on the edge of the Mississippi right now. Sarah is asleep on a couch across the room. I've eaten about a quarter pound of cheese today, and some Trappist beer (it's cheaper here). Also, some fish. Also, some more fish. Also, some sesame chicken.

Hmm.

I don't know what to write about, so I'll say something about what I'm reading now. First, Sandman is pretty good. The first time I saw it was years ago, outside Wes's house, and all I could notice was the sometimes-goofy stylized art and the 80's hair and clothes of the characters. But reading it now, the mythology and storytelling is mostly good.

Also, I'm reading The Orientalist, which is a nonfic about a Muslim prince who gallavanted through high society in Germany and other European places during WWII, and who turned out (later) to be a Jewish kid who adopted a false identity to save his life, and turned out much more successful than he could have hoped.

Friday I took my car in to have the brake pads changed. $40, right? And an hour's work. I ended up spending $423. They called my cell while I sat in Caribou, reading about Armenia in the 1800s, and stated rattling shit off: "wires corroded, lines busted, ass bleeding," very Aqua Teen esque (and the cow...jumped over the moon). What was I to do? They tranqualized my brain with their fucking car jargon. "Amish!" I screamed, but there was no Amish nearby, just a hobo and a bike cop.

Hwo does anyone ever save money? Every one I know, as soon as they hole away a few hundred bucks, a jet engine falls from the sky and totals their house. Or, you know, what have you.

Wheat are dead

Besides working a 9 hour shift, having some Mexican guy eye ball me and my junk at the urinals, missing 3 busses, getting Lynn pissed at me, Sara taking me off her Myspace and Facebook accounts, and not getting my paycheck today: I still have to be in court on June 13th because Pastor Douchebag doesn't have a fucking clue about the internet, let alone emails.

What a shitty-assed day.

I don't really want to understand "Butt trauma"

Tim, you should have been posting some of your office stories here: Overheard. They would have fit in well.

Shit ass cock fuckers

So there is a concept that I will never understand in my lifetime. I get why it exist but I don't see how those who employ me or anybody else can make us do manditory overtime. It's fucking ridiculous that they can say hey I know it's only two days away and you probably have plans but fuck you, you're going to have to be here Saturday. So incase you didn't catch on I know am required to be at work this saturday because the jackass I work for asked for too much mail. So now due to his inability to do basic math I have to cancel my trip to Omaha with Shannon this weekend. I rarely have a solid plan going into any weekend and when I finally do these fucktards I work for decide to stick it too me......Oh yeah but here is the best part, we can get out of it if in the next two shifts 550,000 peices of mail get sorted which is about double our normal output. For those who were thinking about coming over tommorow night this still doesn't affect my plans, actually it has me contemplating adding copious amounts of alcohol to the mix.

Colbert was right...

They've gotten past their differences. Obviously, their next move will be to join together to rise up against us!

Make the homeys say ho and the girlies wanna scream

Super Smash Bros. Brawl for the Wii. Makes my pants shrink.

"Is that the best he can do? America is in deep shit."

Don't think the current state of affairs in the world will affect you personally? Read this.

Painful

MAGISTRATE: Where are you currently at?
ME: I'm stuck out here in Colorado for a while.
MAGI: Oh. Uh...well. We can set the court date for late June. Will that work?
ME: Sure...wait, court date?
MAGI: Uh...yeah. He's got a lawyer.
ME: (aside) WHAT THE FUCK. A lawyer? What can I do then?
MAGI: Well, you can call the District Attorney and figure out if you can work this out. He's in his office.

(Call Attorney's office)
ME: Can I speak to Mr. Goodlow please?
SECRETARY: Oh. Hes not here. He'll be back probably next week sometime.
ME: Okay...You know when?
SECRETARY: No I dont, but he'll be back probably next week sometime.
ME: Okay, I'll just call back sometime next week then.
SECRETARY: I'm not too sure he'll be around then, either.
ME: ...Can I leave a message for him?
SECRETARY: *sigh* He won't get it until next week.
ME: (aside) This is re-god-damn-diculous! ...

One fucking email. Doesn't Fowler realize that the internet is full of angsty people who are 100x their usual bravery through typed wording? Someone needs to show him Forums. It was ONE letter and he could have moved on, now he's paying for a fucking lawyer. UGh! So assenine.

So this means Tim will have to cart me to Albia after the train deposits me.

Sigh...

User: I know this isn't your area, but are we having problems with the server?
Me: Which server?
User: The server; nothing's working.
Me: Which application are you having trouble with? We have lot's of servers...
User: All of them...mail, the internet, everything.
Me: That sounds like a problem with your computer.
User: OK, I'll try rebooting.
Me: Uh...OK.

Speaking of halo 3

I'm trying to get xbox live to stop being such a dick and let me finish downloading the halo 3 trailer, 90% is all the farther it will let me get then it gets retarded. Everybody else should stop dowloading it simultaneously then let me go but they are all dicks.

This Friday to all whom are interested I am having a viewing of the trailed plus X-men 1 & two. You are all welcome to come except Tim because I don't like him.

So, one last time...

One more halo game. Hopefully this one actually finishes it. To be on the hopeful side, the trailer makes me think of the kinds of story resolutions that come into play for the last marathon game. On the downside, there are enough similarities to the matrix trilogy that I'm worried.

The emboldened dates did the trick

You can stop reminding us Dave, I just completed purchasing your train ticket home. I was tempted to buy you a 20 hour ride on a Greyhound bus...but I was feeling generous, and I am quite anxious to see those pictures.

I'm mailing them to myself, mostly because I didn't have your address with me here and I didn't feel like waiting to do it when I got home. I could have had you pick them up at the train station but I worried about them having problems verifying your identity and just figured it'd be easier to avoid the hassle altogether. I'll mail them to you as soon as I get them.

If you're interested...


ITINERARY
---------
============================================================
Denver, CO (DEN) to Osceola, IA (OSC)
18-JUN-06; 7:25 pm - 19-JUN-06; 8:10 am
============================================================
Service: 6 California Zephyr
Duration: 11h 45m


Denver, CO (DEN)
18-JUN-06; 7:25 pm


Osceola, IA (OSC)
19-JUN-06; 8:10 am


1 Reserved Coach Seat

Amenities: Dining car, Lounge

============================================================

If I were you, I'd spend the first six hours of that trip in the lounge.

Sad, but kinda true

An e-mail I sent to my sister in response to her inquiry about my current relationship status.

"Yeah, we're dating again. Our myspace status is now 'in a relationship', which is the true indicator that I am, indeed, 'in a relationship'. Before, when we were just 'hanging out a lot', I wasn't sure what our status was because, you see, myspace doesn't have a 'hanging out a lot' option. So I was confused. But now that my myspace status says 'in a relationship', I can rest easy knowing exactly where I stand."

Fuck it: I'm posting

So the Nazi lookin' guy is Dan, THE VOICE OF MALEFICIENT (Tim have you heard that audio yet? You are a bad person) and the Aryan lookin' guy is Matt, THE PENCILLER. This shoot was done in a studio made out of a high class apartment in a high class part of town.

So, Dana from Michigan is visiting on the first weekend of break. Hence, David Wells Party SHOULD logically fall on that weekend. Break, again, is June 18th-July 6th. I put that in bold since discrepencies of this time seem to happen a lot.

Are we doing the Follies this year? If so, we should JUST do the Police Reports. And not tell anyone we are doing it. Like a treat to those who actually pay to see that abomination of sinful activities covered up with the illusion of wholesome family virtues. Or whatever the eff Michelle's mom said. JUST THE POLICE REPORTS, and NO MEDIA COVERAGE. That way, no one can tell we are drunk off our asses.

END OF LINE.

pint.......ping........ping........ping.........ping.........

I meant to write so so much but now, man, my fingers don't want to move--and there's so much more to write today--so let me just distill my post into the following easily swallowed capsules, each chock full of the nutrients needed to keep your bones and muscles strong here in space:

1) Dirty dancing is probably the most loathsome film ever created, even more so than the Nazis' Triumph of the Will. The main character's name is Baby, for God's sake. Don't even ask why I know that. It's something I try not to think about. If I could sit at the kitchen table with a garbage sack knotted around my neck and use an ice cream scoop and a modified blade and motor from a blender to saw through my skull and fish around until I took out the memory of being forced, probably with Dave, to watch that movie at Meagan's sister's house, I would.

2) Um

3) ...

4) Shit.

5) This is the main thing: we really badly need a lawnmower. Our front lawn is a prairie. Settlers have moved in, and last week I caught Amish humping a buffalo out by the mailbox. I'm guessing nobody here in Des Moines just has a spare sitting around, but if you do...comment? Also, any pointers on where to find a cheap one? Do pawn shops sell these sorts of things?

End transmission.

Mark of the Beast

Karl (Mosaic) is evil; Discuss!

GForge

For those of you who read the Des Moines Register, there was an article about a man named Tim Perdue and his multi-million dollar company GForge and his observatory and all that stuff, and how he runs the entire thing from his own home. He came from a tiny town named Swea City, which I'm positive none of you have probably heard of before.
So, why post about any of this?
Tim Perdue is my cousin, who is exactly 11 years older than I am.
His company is pretty interesting, if you just google his name, it's really cool to see what he does.
I just thought I'd share that one.

Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

Well it's been a whole week of blogging for me. I brought my A game. Made it as varied and entertaining as possible. Made sweet sweet loving to that apple pie and sexed you up good. Now I've blown my load, it'll take me 30 minutes of rest before we go again. I'll take any feedback, positive or negative, in stride. That's why I leave you with this little flash my manager showed me. Yes my boss is a bit of a geek as well. Makes life a little easier. So I bid you a found adieu.

*drops microphone on stage and walks off stage right*

Courtesy of Sarah...

Nintendo stuff

Piss and shit; balls and cock

The last two weeks have been...fuckin' interesting to say the least. Sara didn't return my calls and when I did reach her she was "busy." And why is that?

...Because Sara was seeing some other guy, apparently the whole time.

Well FUCK. That explains a lot. Too bad she never had the heart/decency to tell me it was going on, or even 2 weeks ago that it was over.

Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck.

~~~
Now that thats out of my system...

Here's the plan: The two pictures you commissioned me to do? Yeah. I want to do them IN EXCHANGE you all buy a train ticket for me to either return home or exit home. They will be high quality. They will be painted. And you will get the original line drawings, too. Reason being: I can more then pay for a ticket back, with my Sears job. Gettin' home is the issue. According to Tim's mom (who btw is very easy) you all had rounded up a chunk of money. And they will be 14x17 in size (God, Devil @ Buddha Bar, Christopher & the Orphans) and mounted (teehee). Capise? Good. Fuckin' like it and fuckin' pool it. Hell: Ill even throw in a picture of DINOS vs ALIENS 2006 for ya. 3 pictures for the price of 2! Wow! What a fuckin' deal!!!

JUNE 18th is when I plan to go home, July 6th is when I would like to return. No Sarahs party because I am a fucktard in a fucktard institute of short-ass breaks.

(Nick need not apply cuz Nick is poor, and poor people aren't in God's peripheral vision)

This ones for the homies back home.

So apparently no one at the white house watches comedy central. Good thing. Because this man is my new personal hero. If you haven’t watch the coverage of the White House correspondent dinner from cspan, then get it quick because the mass media is out to get rid of it. I’m talking to you Kevin. Colbert hangs out with Lewis Black and John Stewart and they still let him through the door. This mans juevos must be the size of watermelons and made of brass. He gives the president and press a firm back handed tongue lashing that will probably keep any one from Comedy Central from getting any where near D.C. To think because it was on cspan I might of missed it.

8-bit Acid Flash Back

This will take ya back to your stage days and make you nostalgic for 80's 8-bit gaming at the same time. The real question it brings up is were we slackers with low production ideals back in the day. Now I wish we could of kicked it up a notch like these fellows. Then again I'm a slacker so it was good enough for me. Well our sound effects guy was better but, we could of used a set guy. For those who have not been to http://www.youtube.com, this site is loaded with videos people personally upload so it's great for watching t.v. episodes from back in the day like the super mario bros. cartoon.

Sofa King Bored

So today is Institute Day. That means we get a day off of school. I was so excited not to have to go to classes today...but then I realized about an hour after waking up "Damn it! What am I going to do today?!?!" Ytmnd had nothing excitingly new, Myspace is only interesting for about 5 minutes(but go there and draw on the board), and soap operas make me sleepy.

I'm happy Nick has a blog posting pass now. It's his Basement on Friday, with the exception of Cricket and Kellynn... and there's not an unusually large amount of Goathead Pizza and M-Dew. But the insanity ensues. (without certain people effing up the place) I word well.

By the way, when I return I need to get y'all together for a reason. Well, at least the High School'in folk. I cant say why, but once you see my surgery, you'll understand completely.

I want Chinese food. Badly.

Ottumwa is retarded.

Someone showed me this link in class. I was embarassed because its fuckin' Ottumwa. Look under the happy immigrants to see why.

Oh, and jump the shark. Give me a few to put the pic up. The picture shows good ol' Ottumwan Billy Bayou-Sisterfucken burning a FAKE Mexican flag to "show how upset he was about Mexican immigrants."

I heart ...no wait: HATE (insert something here)!!!

Cos-Play for Alcoholics Anonymous

So I’m checking out http://www.jlist.com/ when I spot this in the food section. It's like ours only better, way better, and wacky. So the first thing I think is, how much alcohol can I put in it, and then if I had a few of them, each a different drink. They’re not just for Final Fantasy fans either. They could go with any cos play or role playing situation. A good conversation piece as you knock back shots of rum to increase your fortitude and charisma, so don’t hesitate to cast liquid courage on your whole party.

Screw the shark, lets put things in microwaves

http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifA toothpick in a microwave is a lot more entertaining than putting cd's in there.

Chuck Norris should be considered for sainthood!

It was at five a.m. on a Saturday about three weeks ago when a special anti-terrorist program came on Cartoon Network. What? Since when is Cartoon Network anti-terrorist? I thought they were part of the evil time-warrner conglomerate swallowing the world? Well they are. Still there are some freedom fighters in the ranks that reach the masses to say, "Sometimes the things we want most are hardest to get, that means you have to be even more determined, that’s what it takes to be a winner, you have to want it bad enough to stick with it no matter how bad things get, and things got pretty tough for us down in florida with the deadly dolphins ". Or at least that Chuck cares about the fait of the free world. He is willing to fight terrorist until they are smote with his mighty awesomeness, and they have the action figures to prove it. Whether it’s deadly dolphins in florida or The Klaw and Cobra Commander moonlighting as Super Ninja bent on world domination.

That’s why the military should put this suto-Asian fighting team back into action. With the A-Team to back them up. "I pity da fool who bombs coffee shops!" There’s not a rat hole in all of the middle east that Osama Bin-Laden could hide in from Chuck Norris and his Karate Kommandos. So pick up your action figures and join the fight. Chuck Norris needs your help. Not actually, you would only get killed. http://www.axioentertainment.com/articles/p2_articleid/56/p2_page/6

Rock and Roll McDonalds

Heh. Funny.

Ryan is a bad friend. Why? Because he is literally dead to me. Dead as in he's not contacted or made any sort of noise towards me via phone or internets. He really cant get ahold of me on the internet, cuz how can a person who can't read possibly put letters together to make words, let alone sentences.

So what did I tell that man to get me to be summoned to court? I wish I were a summon. That way, whenever you guys needed me you could spend like...145 MP and get me to show up and mooch dollar sandwiches or cast Omega Bling. The jerkoff in question made my mom cry in church in front of the congregation because she was "spreading rumors" about him. So I told him accusing a single mom in front of his own congregation isnt just wrong, its unbecoming of a christian (not to further mention: a PASTOR). I was mature and non threatening about the whole wording of the email to avoid such a summons to court.

Anywho, this is what I wrote him:

"Pastor" Fowler,

It has come to my attention that you decided to confront my mother on the grounds that you believed she was spreading rumors that defamed your name. Furthermore, I have heard from several sources from inside First Baptist Church about your conduct within and outside of services.

Very dissapointing, especially from a church leader.

First off, what kind of a man are you? Picking on a woman whos done NOTHING but take care of people for the last 30 years. Not only did she support 7 kids when a dead-beat father left (being us, her kids) but her now-widowed mother who is slowly losing touch with her sanity. Shes done all this working constant laborous jobs (sometimes 2-3) to support her family who she cares about. Shes also a VERY religous person and would never do what you did: THROW THE FIRST STONE OF ACCUSATION. What proof do you have that my mom was spreading rumors? Did you just assume that? When you assume, you make a giant ass out of yourself and everyone around you agrees. Everytime I ask people in that church how it is going, they have nothing good to say about how you run the place, or how you treat the congregation. I believe you just decided to create this illusion of my mother being a gossiping goose so youd feel better about yourself. Pick on a defenseless and mousey single-mother to feel better about yourself. HYPOCRITICAL comes to mind, huh? I know how your type works: you find weak beings to abuse because you hate your pathedic existence and the only real pleasure you get out of it goes away once reality kicks in post-haste powertrip. Besides, for the last 3 months she's actually DEFENDED YOU when I talked to her about what I had heard through the other sources. That is right. One thing my mother taught me is always fight for the underdog, despite how low they may be situated. When Hjalmer would start up on a rant about you, my mother was quick to point out that you had a purpose or a reasoning behind what you were doing,and that you were commisioned by SBC to take care of issues at the church. So you think that she hates you and wants to spread rumors so you'll be expelled from yet another church? Well, now she has ammunition to use against you. She turned her cheek for you enough times that shes now turned around and waiting for you to strike again. Knowing my mother, she won't do anything against you. Thats what she has BOYS for.

Consider this my mother leaving your "congregation." Lead all the sheep astray, and you wont have a flock anymore.

Dave Wells -_-

PS: Bite my ass & foricate your mother.


In hindsight...oops. I never threatened to come back to Iowa to harm him, I never threatened to cause him any sort of physical harm (unless ordering him to bite my glutenous maximus is a physical harm to his blasphemous teeth and fornicating his mother means wee-wii harm). I didnt even mean to intimidate him. I was telling him he was WRONG. And to..well, fuck his mother and bite my ass.

By the way, this isn't Pastor Harris. This douchebag's name is on the police report. I am still uneasy with Nick for leaving Oh My Goddess in Pastor Harris's mom's car and then me taking the heat for it. I will NEVER live that down.

Tim: I think that the bar owner must have heard about you and public restrooms. Remember: you did utterly (sic) annihilate a bathroom stall at a concert. Maybe he owned the concert venue you decided to go apeshit at and "assumed" you had a moment of madness and kicked the ever loving fuck out of the wall with yoru fist at a very low angle and since you have a callous on your knuckles from all the walls you beat the fuck out of, you HAD to have done it.

Texas is a giant cult. Trust me.

Balls.

Man, Wellsy, that goin-to-court business--that sucks. That sucks pretty bad. That summons must have been postmarked directly from here:



The inside of Amish's colon.

How bad was the note you sent the guy? Did you call him a shitcock? Or threaten to devein him?

This is the kind of thing that could have happened to me, so I'm particularly interested to see what comes of the case. How are you getting to Iowa on such short notice? Do you need a place to stay? Etc?

My own brush with the law involved being ejected from a bar over the weekend. Was it my first time being ejected from a bar? Yes! Should I have been at other times? Possibly! This time? No! If you're interested--I was kissing Sarah on a booth when a huge guy in a tiny t-shirt asked me to follow him into the back, where two other huge guys in tiny t-shirts were standing around, looking menacing. Also there was a scrawny boneboy in managerial gear. And they asked me if I'd punched the hole in the wall. Where was the hole in the wall? Down there. Oh. So it was more of a kick? No, you punched the hole in the wall. Did I? Yes, you did. Here, look at my knuckles--they're not even slightly swollen. And doesn't that indentation look more like it was kicked, or backed into with a service cart? And why is the wallpaper not broken? Well, you tell us. You did it. No, I didn't. Well, you're paying for it. No, I'm not. How do you want to go about paying for this? (This is when my vision started spinning crimson) Well, tell you what, motherfucker. If you have someone who claims to have seen this, or video, or something like fucking that, call the police and have them talk to me about it or leave me alone. Just call the police. (This is when the manager grabbed my wrist) That's it, you're outta here! (This is when I'm escorted out by four guys, trailed by indignant Sarah).

Which would have been a kinda cool story, with me being falsely accused, if I hadn't spent the next hour bitterly vowing under my breath to have all their jobs, limbs, etc., and probably seeming like a whiny bitch to my companions.

This last week of the blog can be titled "Things that will prod us along the path to supervillainy."