Dress like a mortician

Next week is Student Appreciation Week! One of our work studies made flyers:

MONDAY Dress like the 60s!

TUESDAY Dress like the 70s!

etc.

I changed it to

MONDAY Dress like 1924!

TUESDAY Dress like October 2008!

WEDNESDAY Dress like a viking!

THURSDAY Dress like the last person you slept with!

FRIDAY Barbecue Day!

I don't think I'll hang up the new flyers though

I'm taking a vow of silence...

You know...cuz mimes are silent. Let's tell Dan Chenhall about it!








Yeah. After that girly yelp of pain as my testicles traveled into my esophagus, nevermind.

I Have No Sympathy for You Fish Eaters

Seriously: fish is gross. Aside from salmon sushi and swordfish, fish is nasty. Shellfish is an exception, but its a crustacean, and hardly a fish with a shell. Also, what are you folks doing eating fish well after it's been prepared? That's a huge faux paw.

Other news. Ummm... someone is 3Ding my characters. He should have something very special for us all by the end of the week.

Good luck with your kid, Rominger. Hopefully the Iowa City folk don't turn him into a secret government metahuman project. If so, enjoy his teen years.

My Boy Elias is in the Hospital

Once again I get to spend some time in the University of Iowa Hospital... however this time its for my son, Elias. He was been having some GI tract problems and the folks at the O-town hospital thought it would be best to send him my way (much relieve by all parties). So if you all could put him in your thoughts and/or prayers that would be very appreciated!!!

I don't mean to change the vibe of this great blog... but we both need as much help as we can get, thanx for every thing! And I will keep you posted!

 

a cautionary tale

While shopping for hamburger supplies Saturday I happened to pop into a godforsaken nook of the meat counter heavy with prepackaged fish. My eye struck upon a set of little tuna steaks, one in the shape of a malformed valentine, wrapped up in plastic and "discounted to sell" at $4.40 or something like that. Well, I thought, they don't expire for three more days, how bad can they be?

 

PRETTY FUCKING BAD is the answer. Like biting into the cold salty heart of a long dead mermaid tumbled out of a fishing net. I'm trying not to buy anything all week and so vowed to bring the leftovers to work but the smell of microwaving tuna steak and asparagus in a crowded break room is not appetizing. One bite and the fucker was consigned back to the deeps, this time of the trash bin.

Amish should do this

Seriously

My bionic arm!

Well, not even 24 hours after I vowed not to buy anything this week, I have found out that the new Bionic Commando has been released. The last one (the remake of the original) was about the only thing that got me through mid-terms last fall. 120 student papers sitting on the dining room table. UGH. By the time Nick got here and co-op'd a few levels with me the madness was over but my almost surreal BC addiction remained.

Anyone know anything about this game? Does it suck? Does it not suck? Is this a good time to practice frugality, or to toss it to the wind?

Here are some books I have read recently:

Michael Chabon, The Yiddish Policemen's Union: Pretty great!

Wells Tower, Everything Ravaged...: Pretty great! My favorite story here is one about a bar fight.

Here are some videos Sarah and I have watched recently:

ATHF Season 6: Not bad! Really the bonus materials are more hilarious than the prime attraction.

Choke: No Fight Club, but more enjoyable than internet reviews led me to fear.

What is the past tense of lead? I can never remember.

Last night I dreamt about Lucas and Andy Mullen. Was the dream x-rated? It might have been.

But it wasn't.

I have this day off and so does Sarah and it's the first time we've both been home all day in a while but what to do? It's a damn mystery. Go buy Bionic Commando? Well, maybe. More likely: nothing. Even the theme park option is out the window, as we haven't been in months but today the places are swarming (supposedly) due to the holiday. I used to be passionate about exploring the interesting districts of this city but now find it hard to give a fuck. Yes, we can go drive through the artsy neighborhoods but we're not going to meet anyone out of it and probably I'll just end up paying $20 for a plate of hummus and a couple drinks and a slice of cheesecake. Which really I guess doesn't sound too bad. 

OMFG hulu has 'The Secret of NIHM'

every once in a while stuff like this floats to the surface... I barely remembered it! all I have to say is watch this... http://www.hulu.com/watch/25523/the-secret-of-nimh the great part about it is that Shannen Doherty and Wil Wheaton of all MF'ers are voices in this film!

ps if you are faint of heart (Tim or Kenny) you won't be able to make it through the sword fight.

Damn I love hulu!!!

When I tried finding in online, I made the mistake of searching for the key phrase

Here's one of the bonus materials for the ATHF S6 dvd.

Chicken Pot Pie: Three of my favorite things

Here's the plan.

June 8 or 9: Packing up a mule with all my worldly possessions (a computer, a TV, a Wii, and a box of dinosaurs).

June 9 or 10: Starting the Death Drive through Nebraska, winding up in Albia in the afternoon/evening.

Somewhere in between rivers: Dracula dies of Dysentery; a thief steals an ox and 2 wagon wheels.

June 11th or so: Seeing anyone in Des Moines before Allison returns to Denver, sans David.



I have a couple possible jobs in Duh Moin doing graphic design work, too. Aside from that, I may plead and beg for the Jum & Go position again. Sometime before, during, or after Kevin gets hitched, I will be departing Albia. I have some possible leads on the Coasts.

If not, there is always the Peace/Ameri Corps. Or prostitution.

My first post!

This is taken from a website called Ask John Anything, but I figured you are more likely to read it if you don't have to click on a link. The rest of the site is mostly funny, but there are some pretty boring questions and answers as well. Yay for being able to post!

q:

Dear John where do babies come from?

Alexis
Irving, Texas

a:

when people have sex, God cries. his tears fall to the ground and water the ashes of the dead. the tears and the ashes mix and form a soul who lives in the ground. when a girl wearing a short skirt comes by, the soul sees its chance to be born and enters her womb. that's why girls who dress slutty always get pregnant.

I thought Saturday Night Live had stopped being funny.

I will warn you that this is sort of horrifying

Blet

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/breakingnews/flesh-eating-bacteria-suit-051809,0,1893786.story

almost as amazing

A chimp playing pac man

http://deoxy.org/video/8674533802963928643

amazing

Sarah has been pestering the dick out of me to join Twitter and I tried, I really tried! but every name I developed was taken. Obscure references from my fiction? Taken! Variations of my true name? Taken, bitch! But what about my xbox live handle, you ask? I respond that I am done with Spooky and the dilution of his trademark as soon as I finish the novel. Or sell the screenplay. Either one.

And the truly very annoying thing is that most of these names that I want are taken only in the sense that some yokel thirty years ago registered them and then disappeared. Developed balls cancer and asphyxiated himself in his garage, lost his girlfriend and leapt off his roof. Or maybe gained a girlfriend and logged off the internet. Gave up drinking and staring at laptop screens and took up mountain climbing. Whatever they did, they have left behind every name I want, attached to undeveloped screens that haven't been touched since 2006.

Tonight Sarah said to me, what if goathead joined? and I said, he could! because nobody would take goathead. But: they would. Then I thought, they wouldn't take Goathead's preferred spelling; but, they would. Can you even believe that such a bald pilot as Gote Hedlund exists?

I can't wait to see Revenge of the Sith!

A Conversation to Continue Dissapointing Andy

me: piss
Tim: you're like a fried banana sandwich
me: dont forget the mayo
Tim: an entire jar
me: and covered in powdered cheez
that is disgusting
Tim: yes it is
but i kind of want to make it now
and let it be my profile picture
i may do that
me: i did the Twinkie Weener Sandwich from UHF
it was grossly satisfying
Tim: blet
did you eat it?
that is
as you know
DISGUSTING
me: yes
it was like....
gross to think about but good
Tim: I dare you to have the banana sandwich
at your regime change party
me: hah
i may
Tim: i made chipotle brownies
that were similar
disgusting to consider
but tasty
me: yeah
spicy sugar snacks never appease me
i had mexican candy in the army
after being on a candy famine
it still stucked
*sucked
Tim: yeah
these were called "mexican brownies"
those goddamn spicy communists
if you have any communist friends, that would be a good name to call them
"Come 'ere, you spicy socialist"
me: heh
i do
i made my friend's great dane tell my friend "I ront ralk to rexicans"
so thats the big bean bash right now
Tim: my coworker is actually afraid of mexicans
me: whaaaa
why?
job theft?
Tim: something about being followed home by them
me: whaaa
Tim: she is really just nervous around large hispanic males
which is still absurd
me: thats crezzy
i know a lot of folks who will still cross the street to avoid black folk
Tim: Someone is supposed to deliver some tests to me at any moment
that is equally crazy!
if not mroe so
i'd prefer to hop over them
mario style
if i was going to go out of my way to do anything
me: or at least spin jump on them so at least you interact
Tim: yeah
and it makes that pleasant bopping noise
here's what you can put on the sandwich
http://www.amazon.com/Cheddar-Cheese-Powder-1-lb/dp/B00016LZT8
me: BWWWAAAAOOOW
ew
no
Tim: i just made that noise
which was unwise
as i did it very loudly
me: hahah
since i am moving back to albia
Tim: the people in the corner stopped speaking spanish for a moment and looked over here
me: im going to see if i can revive the attic apartment for 4 months
Tim: hoorah
me: hahah
Tim: that would be great
me: it would be nostalgic as fuck
Tim: indeed
except now
the new class!
it'd be like a sitcom
but a spinoff
me: hah
one that lasts only a season
Tim: where one or two characters stay, and a new cast comes on
me: and guest stars come in to remind everyone what happened
i should just have canned cheering when any other members show up
Tim: definitely
me: that would require everyone to pause a moment and soak it in
Tim: triggered remotely
by a button in your shoe
me: or in my tooth
Tim: i think you should post this whole conversation to atticapartment
me: oh im gonna



And I did.

Don't you wish you had been abducted by aliens ? ? ?

I sure do. Seven months of anal probes and needles in my eyes is exactly what I've been subjected to, but at the hands of my fellow humans. At least the aliens might have the courtesy to wipe my memory when it was all over with.

Billy--there is hope, but it is a small thread with which I must weave a rug.

Also, a heartwarming mother's day story: Why I Give My 9-year-old Pot

Bad End

I am moving back to Iowa. Specifically Albia.


Why? Free rent & groceries. As well, I need to save up money for my next hop. Again, I AM NOT WEIGHING ANCHOR IN ALBIA. I am just temporarily staying there. I plan to be out of Albia by September 30th. That gives me time to go to Kevin's shindiggery, but it does NOT mean Restoration Days is a go. In the mean time, I will be in the Iowa area for the entirety of the summer.



It's not like I failed out of school or got kicked out of Denver. But definately, Denver has failed me.

So anyway, here is a picture for you all.

What a tweest!

I shot a giraffe ! ! !

And all I got was this lousy blog post.

Last night I walked into Star Trek expecting a flashy, beefed-up version of the old show and walked out feeling like I'd just stepped out of a rocket-powered rollercoaster ride. It was a great movie. Not only was it really intense, but it had depth and character too. From where I was sitting, it resembled the old shows in name and form only. Everything else had evolved into something bigger, faster, stronger and smarter even. A raptor/human hybrid with eagle wings.

Speaking of dinosaurs, The Land of the Lost looks pretty promising. I think Will Ferrell was born to be chased by giant lizards.

You's with child, Vyry

I went to this club last night called The Milk Bar. If you didn't read or sit through A Clockwork Orange, you wouldn't get the reference (uncultured swine). Also, I came to find out that the Milk Bar is a goth/industrial bar. Take in mind that my taste in goths has severely dissapeared ever since Hot Topics spread like wildfire and being scene became gothic.

But after last night...damn. God damn. God damn piss.

It didn't help the person I went with had a buckle-laced dress, either. Or the fact she had the same comments on girls as I did... Piss.




Round three to commence May 27th. Until then, courage.

I almost annotated this list but it's better left bare

I discovered tonight that the google search bar in firefox has recorded all my searches. Here are most of the ones that started with a quotation mark.

"a woman should be able to have an abortion if her health is seriously endangered"

"and the other one was carrying a stray puppy"

"aspire to higher education"

"asthmatic and ratlike"

"bubbly toddler who loved stuffed bunnies"

"bulimia is characterized by eating large amounts of food, and then purging"

"burn down hot topic"

"called micro-organism with plant and animal characteristics also known as germs"

"cat petting linked to cancer"

"choose to toughen the laws on abortion, then teens will"

"cub foods" "polar bars"

"do what now?"

"double dino"

"eventually the duke of devonshire finds out and goes to her and giver her an alternative"

"EXCITING NEWS FOR TODAY'S TEENS"

"extra cheese"

"fail better"

"flower-making basket"

"flowers of a mature female plant contain the most trichomes"

"getting dumber"

"hashish is a potent form of cannibis produced by collecting"

"HORSE CRAVES BLOOD"

"i first discovered bulimia"

"i know it is a hard decision but just think about your health and your kids"

"i wish norman mailler had not died"

"into the volcano"

"into the volcano" +guttenberg

"issue of teenage pregnancy is complicated by opposite"

"it is a place where you can visit 500 years of history in one day"

"jack tarrance"

"littering and"

"MANY OF THESE ARE FUNGI BACTERIA CANDIDA AND MICROORGANISMS THAT LIVE"

"middle place"

"minute of angle"

"most states have requirements to teen abortion,t here is a requirements"

"moved to florida"

"my voice became hoarse a lot and i could barely sing"

"percent of abusing parents have neither psychotic nor criminal"

"physical abuse is the non accidental infliction of physical"

"polar bars"

"polar bars" +"rainbow bakery"

"polar bars" +rainbow

"pound of cheese"

"power punch ii"

"psychologists define child sexual abuse as any activity with a child"

"rapturous devotees"

"red pepper casserole"

"rose for emily" +Spanish

"smells like piss"

"thc is the active chemical in marihuana, and is manufacture into a pill availalbe by prescription"

"the dog is a metaphor"

"tyrolean hat"

"veins may bulge or appear twisted for a portion or entire length"

"welcome to brooklyn"

"when a person has a depressive disorder, it interferes with daily life, normal functioning"

"WHO DERE"

"yoga fire"

ITS A FIESTA ! ! !

Hey!

'Appy Cinco de Mayo everybody!

It's a fiesta!

Who wants to hit the pinata shaped like George Bush's balls, eh? Or how about this one shaped like the US treasury? Maybe a trillion dollars will fall out!

Hey manuel? Where is your sister? I've got ze fire ants in my pants and I want so share some wit her!

*hums the mexican hat dance and bounces out the batwing doors*

I would also like to welcome Shawk back to the good ol' I.O.U.S.A. We should go get some dinner sometime. Maybe go down to Court Ave brewery or something?

...and nothing of value was lost.

Geocities is being discontinued due to mice pace and fay's book. Inevitably, Yahoo will completely yank everything off of their servers. It will be sad to see Attic Leaches, the retarded and stunted sibling of this here blog, go the way of the dodo.

But not as sad as the lie about September 15th and the update that never is going to happen.

Believe it or not, Sarah and I thought this movie wasn't too bad.

NERD ALERT!!!

So who is down with the star trek action...I've got off that week so I need to know do I need to drive up on Thurs. or Fri. Food and a flick. So who's in? And what would be a good place to eat that's not going to rape my wallet? We'll meet there.