Bring on the roaring twenties Mk. II

Good gravy, it's almost 2009. We are almost in the TEENS. I hadn't really thought about it before, but that's a fucked up situation. In ten years we will be verging on the 20s. Maybe flappers and jazz will make a comeback, who knows? (I guess technically jazz is still around and pretty popular, but you know what I'm getting at here.)

Let's get some Dick Tracy action all up in this bitch is all I'm saying. Ix-nay on the ohibition-pray though.

I think we should discuss a few things: First of all the New Years dealio. I would be down with doing things on New Years Eve (after say, 4:00pm) and at any point New Years Day. Should we do a thing? I know Dave is around, and I thought I heard rumors of other people being around as well. It'd be cool to get together for drunken debauchery.

We should do a thing, is all I'm saying. Mario Kart and Grey Goose? Hey, I'm just throwing out ideas here...

2008 OR Where's my bailout?

You should read Dave Barry's year end review. It is fucking hilarious, and it sums up national events for the year pretty appropriately, I'd say.

As for local news, this has been a really weird year for me, personally. To recap, here is Goathed's Year in review:

It all started in New York. What was weird about that? I was there! And it wasn't scary, in fact, parts of it reminded me of Sesame street.

Not long after my trip to New York, I completed my collection of psychedelic science poems and bribed three faculty members to read the goofy shit. I geared up for a hard fight, but the thesis 'defense' turned out to be more of a thesis 'nod and agree.'

So graduation was a bit anti-climactic. And instead of flashing the crowd at graduation, I opted for a slightly less vulgar protest: I made a movie about the TA program and posted it on Youtube. I won't replay that donkey show for you here, but that controversy was definitely a high point in my year.

Here is an allegorical account of my graduation:

I was sitting in a dark room illuminated only by a single overhead lamp beaming right down into my eyes. Through the glare I could see the vague outline of the Iowa State cyclone mascot thumbing through a copy of my thesis. He stopped thumbing, and looked up at me through the tiny slit in his neck and said in a muffled voice,
"Yeah, uh, your poems are okay, you can graduate. Thanks for all the cheap labor. Now, please, get the fuck off my campus."
As I got up and made for the door, I hesitated and turned to look back. The man in the big red bird suit was tossing my thesis in a big pile in the corner of the room. His back was to me. I dove between his legs and reached up, gripping as hard as I could, then ran out the door screaming, "I GRABBED HIS NUTS, YO!"

Speaking of shots to the balls . . .

AFTER GRADUATION I tried to get a job. And failed. And failed again, and again, and again, and . . . yes, again.

Sure, I could blame it on the recession, but there were jobs available. I applied for most of them. Hell, I even managed to get interviews for a few, but, in the end, they all decided they'd rather hire an experienced woman than a male poet who had spent the better part of the past decade in college. Fucking sexist pricks.

Finally, I landed a temp job that sucked less than collecting cans from local gas station garbage bins.

That was in August. I'm still here.

So that's 2008 in a nutshell. I believe I also performed in a local production of Reefer Madness, but strangely I cannot recollect any of that stuff. Whenever I try to conjure those memories, my mind only produces the sound of manic giggling.

Merry (Holiday name here)

I'll be back in Iowa in 24 hours...give or take.

There are 38 pages of Albia High School graduates on facebook

And only one page worth looking at.


The one with this guy on it.

Turn Your DAMN Phone On

I got three calls regarding me coming home. Two of which were at 3am MST.

To clarify, here. I also don't think my guests are coming down. I also made this known the last time I got a call at 3am...

I must not communicate very well.

So, who's going to be around? And should I bring anything?

EDIT: My number is SE Iowa: Albia: 8206

Spoiler?

Okay, so I'm assuming that by now everyone and their brother's brother's illegitimate child has seen Dark Knight. (I just watched it tonight...) While the movie is playing I kept thinking: so given all the 'neat toys' batman has, who else could it be but some stupidly rich, bored/revege-seeking type to be the vigilante?

Which makes me think: what if Batman was a hobo? I mean, if comics have taught me anything, they could potentially have Batman's fighting prowess, though they might fight dirtier...

But the toys?! What about those wonderful toys?!

I think that's where the people who made hobo 007 come in.

I trust this settles the matter.

I should try this with my last US Cellular bill.

The Answer

The Aztec God of Whiffle Ball is mad at Dave. Maybe if you appease him life will get better. It could happen. Maybe.

Die Hard: The Theme Song

Who throws a shoe? I mean, honestly...

Also, I accidentally Andy's question. The entire question, accidentally. Is that bad?

New Years' Presolution

So today I got in trouble for being too confrontational.


I have to say, I'm a little bit proud of that.

The first rule of Fight Club, btw, is...

Encouraging a Stereotype

Seriously, how much did they spend on this website?!

I'm in Iowa December 24th, just to make it clear.

Yes. I will be back in Albia December 24th. December 24th is when I will be in Albia, Iowa. On Wednesday, December 24th, you can find me in Albia. Albia will have another David Wells on December 24th. If you are around the Iowa region, I will be there as well but on December 24th. In Albia around December 24th? So will I! December 24th. Me. You bet your ass.

This is to let certain persons know when I am going to be in Albia, seeing as how I have repeated to this persons that I will be in Albia again on December 24th on numerous occasions, I need to stress again that I will indeed be in Albia, Iowa on December 24th.

12/24/08. And since certain people read this in Austria, its 24/12/08.

Extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeme Dreidel!!!!

...wait, what?!

I think 8-bit Theater is done.

...b-but-

Other than social networks, email, youtube, and 4chan Ebaumsworld, I don't do much else on the internet. Now what am I supposed to do?!

I just . . . another job interview . . . stop calling you fucking canadians!!!

Where did that, "I just . . . the whole thing" shit come from?

I really wish I could get internet audio at work. I keep seeing these great videos like that mario kart guy but I can't hear them and it drives me crazy. The mario kart guy was pretty funny without audio, though.

And yeah, I'm still taking phone calls because no one wants to hire someone who had a real job two years ago and gave it up to write poems and play halo. Still totally fucking worth it, though.

My next interview misadventure could take place right down in the gold tit of the town, the capitol building! I don't want to say any more though, because they'll probably be reading this.

I hate writing cover letters to jobs that involve editing or proofreading cause I know if I fuck up some little bit of grammar minutiae, that's it, game over. "You can't spell or use commas in a way that I feel is appropriate." REJECTED!

Fucking commas.

There's this guy at work who doesn't talk to me now because I gave the receptionist some hershey's kisses. I'm pretty sure that's why he doesn' t talk to me, anyway. He's totally in love with the receptionist and I can't say that I blame him because she is a major babe. Today she wore a green suede jacket. It was lovely.

Geek Riots

I saw this headline today. Or, actually I mis-saw this headline today. (It really said Greek Riots.)

I just thought I'd share that.

They finally got it right

Ghostbusters Trailer

All I can hear is John DiMaggio's laugh.

I did it for Dave! (and succulent whale blubber)

Last night, I killed the King of the Orcas in Warcraft.

Inb4 Wahmbulance, Wahmpires, etc

Ever since I have openly stated that I am Agnostic, it seems the Universe and the Invisible Sky Wizard have been taking their turns raping and shitting on me. Financially and socially.

Coincidence? A religious person could say that this is God's way of making me see things, while an Atheist will tell me this is the world without God.

Either way, this sucks. Out loud. I will now go enjoy a meal of peanut butter ...alone.

IASIP

You need to watch this show if you're not already. I know it's not the first time I said it , it probably won't be the last.

His name is Robert Paulson

A truck driver came to work the day, his name was Robert Paulson. In death members of project mayhem do have names. His name is Robert Paulson. This ran through my head for the remainder of the day. Unfortunately he looked nothing like Meatloaf. He did however have bitch tits.

Des Moines is quite lame sometimes, OK most times. Tonight Shannon and I had intended to go see either Milk or Frost/Nixon. Well, the local theaters have decided to not play either of these films. I guarantee you however that the new Vince Vaughn/Reece Witherspoon film has at least two screens reserved at every Theater in town. Sometimes I hate the locals.

Bert and Ernie go BRUTAL

For those of you who don't read Boingboing: you should watch this video.

For Andy

Top 100 Sci-Fi Books

A list of good sci-fi books. If I end up staying in Iowa this winter, I plan to get through . . . well, maybe the top ten. Probably not though. I'd at least like to read The Man in the High Tower and Stranger in a Strange Land.

1
Frank Herbert
Dune [S1]
1965

2
Orson Scott Card
Ender's Game [S1]
1985

3
Isaac Asimov
Foundation [S1-3]
1951

4
Douglas Adams
Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy [S1]
1979

5
George Orwell
1984
1949

6
Robert A Heinlein
Stranger in a Strange Land
1961

7
Ray Bradbury
Fahrenheit 451
1954

8
Arthur C Clarke
2001: A Space Odyssey
1968

9
Isaac Asimov
[C] I, Robot
1950

10
William Gibson
Neuromancer
1984

I'm not sure if it's irony

...but this quote really makes me laugh:

I tried out that Buckethead guy. I met with him and asked him to work with me but only if he got rid of the fucking bucket. So I came back a bit later and he's wearing this green fucking Martian's-hat thing! I said, 'Look, just be yourself'. He told me his name was Brian, so I said that's what I'd call him. He says, 'No one calls me Brian except my mother'. So I said, 'Pretend I'm your mum then!'. I haven't even got out of the room and I'm already playing fucking mind games with the guy. What happens if one day he's gone and there's a note saying, 'I've been beamed up'? Don't get me wrong, he's a great player. He plays like a motherfucker.

-Ozzy Osbourne

Last Stand

The buck rose up, knocked Goodman down and attacked him with his antlers in what the veteran hunter called "15 seconds of hell." The deer ran a short distance and went down, and died after Goodman fired two more shots.

Full Story

I would love to see this story animated.

If only I knew someone who could create animated movies . . .

Not on Halloween

So my wedding will not be on Halloween, I know it's sad and all but I think we'll all live through it. September 19 is the official date we have the place booked and the whole nine yards. I'm sure you will all receive formal invites but if you somehow get left out by accident you're invited.

that's it.

Dogs are silly.