Great dispatches from the Orlando Sentinel

The local paper took a break today from its relentless coverage of hot, hot Casey Anthony to report these two stories:

Killer

Weird in a different way

Bil, Melanie, Kevin, and Myself Will For Sure Get This Joke

Not sure about the rest of you...

Awesome

Yer a scuzzy tumtoucher

I found this feature to be a great way to kill time today.

My Next Big Investment

New Kids On The Block at Wells Fargo Arena

Who's in?

I WANT THE DAMN CUPCAKES...

Many moons ago...

Does anyone else remember the Santa Clause wine from a few Christmases past?

Deliver us from boredom and lead us to the next big thing

THE SINGULARITY OF THE STORY

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Today's Picture and Video

I highly recommend Chrono Trigger DS.

Also

Happy New End
Uploaded by passionparisproductions

The Inauguration . . . FROM SPACE ! ! !

Dana Mailed Me A Whale Pillow

Something like this, except in the shape of a pillow.

I may be working on an MTV show soon now, too.

I'm also going to a Rock Band Party on Friday.



When did life turn stop completely sucking?!

Five-Seven-Five

Practice Language/Reading Entrance Tests I Wrote up

Reading

I.

Delivery drivers are an important part of many pizza restaurants. Just like delivery professionals for package companies, pizza delivery drivers make sure customers’ products reach them in good condition and in a timely fashion. In addition, pizza delivery drivers work long hours, usually at night, and are responsible for handling cash and making change.

Although delivery drivers for larger restaurants may focus entirely on their deliveries, employees of smaller stores may be expected to cook food between deliveries, to wash dishes, or even to clean kitchens and bathrooms.

Because pizza delivery usually doesn’t require a college education, some customers may imagine it to be an easy job. Delivery drivers, however, must have excellent navigation skills, intimate knowledge of city streets, and the ability to drive under pressure. They must also deal with upset customers when deliveries are late, and perform basic monetary calculations in a short amount of time.

1. After reading this passage, one might conclude that delivery drivers primarily:
A. perform a variety of functions to serve restaurant customers
B. act as waitstaff in the restaurant, and operate cash registers
C. clean kitchens or bathrooms
D. buy fresh ingredients for pizzas

2. According to the passage, pizza delivery drivers are like package delivery drivers in that they:
A. are an important part of many restaurants
B. often drive vehicles owned by their companies
C. make sure products reach customers in good condition
D. must be able to drive under pressure

3. According to the passage, which of the following might employees of smaller stores be responsible for?

I. cooking food between deliveries
II. performing minor vehicle maintenance
III. cleaning kitchens and bathrooms

A. I and II only
B. I and III only
C. I, II and III
D. III only

4. Per the passage, which of the following is not a requirement of pizza delivery drivers?

A. excellent navigation skills
B. intimate knowledge of city streets
C. a college education
D. the ability to perform monetary calculations

5. According to the passage, delivery drivers may deal with upset customers when:

A. deliveries are late
B. pizzas are overpriced
C. the pizza is made with the wrong toppings
D. the customer has a bad attitude

6. The author of this passage would most likely agree that:

A. pizza delivery drivers should attend some college before working
B. delivery drivers should not expect to be tipped by customers
C. delivery drivers must possess a variety of skills
D. package delivery professionals are underpaid

...

Editorial interns contribute to a variety of duties in the production of magazines and journals. Although readers may assume that their favorite magazines and journals are assembled by highly-paid professionals, many such publications are staffed with large numbers of unpaid interns. Even interns who do receive pay often accept low salaries in exchange for valuable career experience.

Because larger publications are often operated by large staffs, interns with these publications may specialize in their duties; interns at smaller publications, however, may perform a variety of functions essential to their magazine's or journal's publication. Interns may correspond with writers and artists, edit materials before they are printed, and use computer software to layout the publication before it is printed. Some interns may even contribute to a publication's overall aesthetic, bargain with advertisers, or even make editorial decisions about publications.

1. After reading the passage, one can most logically conclude that editorial interns primarily:
A. contribute to the publication of magazines and journals
B. bargain with advertisers
C. attempt to sell subscriptions to libraries and book stores
D. use computer software to prepare publications for print

2. According to the passage, someone might choose to work as an editorial intern because of:
A. high pay rates and good benefits packages
B. the opportunity for frequent travel to industry conventions
C. the opportunity to gain career experience
D. an inexpensive way to earn academic credit

3. Per the passage, interns with larger publications may specialize in their duties because
A. larger publications often employ large staffs
B. they have enough experience to know which duties interest them
C. specialized interns receive higher rates of pay
D. specialized interns are allowed to contribute to the publication's overall aesthetic

4. According to the passage, which of the following is a duty that editorial interns might perform?
A. copy editing materials
B. bargaining with advertisers
C. both of the above
D. neither of the above

5. According to the passage, editorial interns may accept low rates of pay in exchange for:
A. use of company vehicles, paid lunches, and other benefits
B. the option to send free subscriptions to friends and family
C. work experience they hope will help them later in their careers
D. shares of company stock

...

Language

(determine whether the italicized portions are correct or incorrect

Although Petra and Marcus did not believe in ghosts. Both of them heard



strangely noises coming from the old library late at night. An investigation headed by the



Minneapolis Weekly discovered the noises were caused by an infestation of badgers



which were an infestation and also a few stray dogs.



Kevin and Shannon ate they’re wedding cake with such enthusiasm that they felt



sick afterward which was a sick feeling and had to lie down. When they felt better, they


vowed to eat in moderation from then on.

NERD RAGE!!!

Go see the actual thing by Joe Nicolosi

I want to so badly correct this girl!

Hawaiians Worship Dracula

As of today, I am aboard an animation project to produce a pilot for a television show aimed at people our age.

Due to a Nondisclosure Form, I can't really talk about what it is that I am working on. But let me say this: it's lightyears probably not better than Assy McGee.

EDIT: it's 3am. I can't sleep. I read the script.
...I guess we all eventually sell out.

Also: We got a roll of quarters today at work. It was filled with Hawaii's quarters.

However, all I could see was this:

Muffins

I believe this is my long lost brother. I have these kinds of thoughts all the time. Ask Tim I used to share these ridiculous thoughts with him on our crazy adventures in Ames.

The Level of Maturity That the Contributers Possess

Whenever I read my posts from the days of yore on here, I hear Steve Brule's voice. I think this is due to how retarded and full of BS my life has been since the blog has existed. Also, the ability to embed youtube videos is a bittersweet idea, seeing as my last few posts have been videos.

I cleaned my apartment for the majority of the day without so much the help of the roommate. He watched Dexter's Lab all day to my knowledge, but he did buy me Chipotle with magic Ebay money.

I think also that I unknowingly fling pennies around my place. This can be proven by the abundance and sporadic places I found pennies during said cleanup. I seem to impulsively whip them from my grasp in some sort of involuntary manner and block out the memory of ever having them. I think I have maybe close to a dollar in pennies.

It also decided to snow somewhere last night between 12:30am and 10am. It will be gone by Thursday.


ALSO: I got rid of my caterpillar.

Also also: Happy belated five years, blog!

They Want My Lottery Tickets

Voice over makes it more epic.

Yum

Gather round, my bitches, for the Story of Tabasco Sauce.

Really this story could best be summarized by Gotehed's poem, "The Tabasco Fiasco" (I think that's the title). I used to hate the hell out of hot sauce. I used to wrench it from strangers' fingers in restaurants, used to punitively saw off their hands with steak knives. Used to shy away from spicy foods. Then Andy and I went gallavanting around NYC in the dead winter of February with someone from Mexico City and all hell broke loose. In NYC you could drink until three AM and walk ten feet in either direction after leaving the bar and stumble into a pizza place and then stumble back with your pizza in tow and then take a bottle of tobasco from the bartender and drench your pizza in that shit and it was great!

Andy wrote a poem about us becoming so addicted to hot sauce afterward that we rotted our stomaches clean out, and I am dismayed to say IT IS STARTING TO HAPPEN. Not the stomach rotting part, but the addiction part. I used so much Cholula on a bowl of rice and beans yesterday that a coworker across the room looked up and asked what that disturbing ketchup-y smell was.

Also yesterday I experienced a distinct craving for V-8 after it was used in a math story problem.

Also in the past three years I have started to enjoy red onions.

All this seems to support the common supposition that our tastes change as we age. But what the fuck? Who the fuck are our taste buds to determine what we eat? What if I start craving dog hair or something?

. . .

Unrelated: for anyone who may be wondering what kind of crazy person lives in Florida: I often feel that I am mad to live here at the moment, but at least I don't have to wear a coat outside, and this is the view from my office in January:

Hell yes!

Funkadelic Attic Apartment Freakout -:-OR-:- If only!

Earlier today I clicked on one of the archive months and then forgot I'd done it. I opened my computer back up tonight and got totally freaked out. "How many fucking people posted since I did today?" I thought. "That is a fuckload of people."

"A fucking fuckload."

Also, Dave had posted about Hitchhiker's Guide. Then, Bil had posted about Land of the Dead. Really this only fueled my confusion because I had considered posting this.

You can get a taste of my confusion here. Also if you look at the comments on Bil's post it looks like I time-traveled.

My 2008/Tattoo

Here's my 2008.

Work, hang out with Shannon, sleep, repeat. Add in a few trips to Ames, and the rare drink with Amish/work people. That's about it. As lame as that sounds it was probably the best year of my life. I have made progress at work, and my relationship is better than ever.

Tim don't get a tattoo. They're permanent, and who knows how cool you'll think it'll be in a year, especially if you've been so indecisive about it. Besides what happen when it turns out it really says chicken.

Suggestion for Tim's Tattoo

Needless to Say

So who has a good tattoo idea for me? Granted, the fact that I've half-assedly been looking around for a good design for the past ten years probably indicates that I will never find one, but it could be an interesting thought experiment anyway.

Right now, the lead suggestion is Spooky Wignall Wrestling Some German Shepherds.

I wrote that as a joke but actually it sounds pretty killer.

Alternately I could tattoo different cocktails on my torso so that after my overindulgence of liquor gives me oral cancer and my tongue is removed, I can order at the bar without having to actually speak.

Last night Sarah and I watched Marathon Man and it was great! You can probably get the best part of the movie by watching the youtube clip of a Nazi dentist torturing Dustin Hoffman.

I am right now forcing myself to eat black olives.

Sarah and I had one of my coworkers and her husband and sister over for New Year's Eve and the foolish woman DARED TO TALK SMACK TO ME REGARDING MY SMASH BROS. SKILL before we even hooked shit up.

Needless to say, that was one rabid dog I put right down.

Here are some quick reviews of books I'm reading or have read recently:

Napoleon in Egypt - Great! A little slow at times but good for a history.

Herodotus's Histories - Great! A little full of alligator men and whatnot for a history but that makes it even better

Just After Sunset - Good for hardcore Stephen King fans who need a fix, but for all others probably skippable. With the exception of a leftover from the 80s (the story that inspired the hitman-tries-to-kill-a-demon-cat segment of the anthology film we watched in the Campus Ave. apartment a few years ago while eating LUCKY'S PIZZA), largely full of well-written and fully-realized stories that are just sort of, eh.

Eating a rice cake now.

Dave's 2008 recap

For future reference, and to be hip and cool like Andy, I am also going to archive the last year.



Hastily after New Years Day 2008, I stumbled back from Des Moines to Denver with a buttload of photos from drunken escapades. These pictures were promptly put on a display in Ali's apartment.

Wes's birthday tumbled into town in February. Ali and I made a vegan cake. It was delicious.

Smash Bros Brawl invited itself into my life in March. In hindsight, it didn't fully satisfy me.

April... I think I met a girl at a party? Sarah also visited...I think.

May was an abomination. I was knee-deep in working on graduation reels and "interning" for King Butt-full-of-dicks.

I recieved a $96,000 piece of paper in June. John got a video of it. I also saw my parents verbally bicker at each other. That must be an adult thing.

I got very drunk July 5th and Ali had to walk me home. I got sent home from work the next day because I was still drunk and my boss figured it out. I celebrated by puking on a very busy street corner in front of many, many strangers.

August was somewhat bland. Aside from murdering that prostitute and depositing her parts on different highways. I got paid to make art for Sarah and Tim

September was full of disappointments as well. I still was working at Sears. Amish visited and stanked up my apartment with his irritable bowel problems, and probably continued to do so in San Fran.

October was all sorts of awkward. I'm talking african american at the Grand Dragon's surprise birthday party sort of awkward. I did get a nice costume out of it all.

As soon as November hit I lapsed into a self-permeating coma due to holiday music at Sears. I sitll have yet to get Sarah and Tim's art work sent off, or even finished.

December brought Ali's graduation and New Years. Then I went to Texas.

Texas was nice. 85 degrees in January nice.



And I think I've sentenced fragmented enough of this post. Accidentally.

Welcome Back, Mr. Blogger

Thanks to everyone who saw me in Iowa. Sorry to those I didn't see (I think his name was Wil? I don't remember).

So yes. Let the blogging begin again. Or...not.

Watch, this will be my one wish that does come true.

Wish I lived in Afghanistan.