A Halloween is You!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
donkey on donkey
INFECTION.
I might have an eye infection. Things are a bit puffy and painful. Thankfully, nothing has yet turned pink. How the hell do people deal with such things? Even if I make a medical appointment I won't get in until next week. By that time I'll have sunk into the groping and fantastical world of the blind.
. . .
MURDER
Last night I dreamt that Sarah and Kevin went on a Saw binge and decided to become serial killers a la that line of movies. Nick and I stopped by Kevin's place to pick him up for band practice, but he was like, Sarah's not back yet. All around mutilated people and people strapped into bizarre death machines begged for help. Let's get this cleaned up, I said. We gotta go. This is your girlfriend's party, he said. Or something like that.
I called her and she didn't deny it!
. . .
INFECTION PART II
Later this morning I decided I probably did have an eye infection. My optometrist told me to go to take a long lunch break and go to the walk-in clinic which, never doubt, was a fucking orgy of prancing donkeys taking flying leaps at each others' backsides. At first it seemed cool—the donkeys were keeping it together—and I sat down to wait, entirely alone, with a novel.
PATIENT THE FIRST: a chunky mid-30s woman accompanied by a chunkier mid-40s male. Male can't stop chuckling. Woman says something, waits about ten minutes. Is asked by the doctor if she has a boo boo. Is then brought into the back room.
PATIENT THE SECOND: a woman in some sort of authoritative uniform with city patches on the shoulders. Don't these people have real doctors? She didn't even have to wait that long, maybe 20 minutes, but in that time she bugged the counter receptionists three separate times, each time sounding more and more reminiscent of this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUS6nKpddec
PATIENT THE THIRD: Hillbilly Hank, late-20s. Walks in, stands at the desk with legs spread in green sweat pants. White t-shirt. "You got the swine flu vaccination?" "No." Turns and stiff-arms the door, walks out.
PATIENT THE FOURTH (AND FIRST): Me. Called over after 70 minutes and asked to pony up fifty falafels. I'd rather wait, I say. In case I don't get in. Okay, she says. Then I sit down. Usually we ask you to pay up front. Well, I say. What if I don't get in? You'll get in. I know you can't really predict, I say, but can you give me an idea of how long it might be? One to two more hours.
Gone!
So what the fuck, now my eye's gonna go crusty or just fall out or maybe allow me to peer into the future or maybe nothing at all. Maybe it's from an eyelash caught in there or something. I'll just make a pouch with my lower eyelid and pour in a few milligrams of nine-dollar brandy.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Life is an adventure: blast it with piss
In order to help with speech, I have to be approved by the school board.
I don't understand why... but I do.
Any thoughts?
I don't understand why... but I do.
Any thoughts?
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
preferably something in which an icy brain might thematically float
I still have not remembered the password to the Google account I used for signing into blogger! Damn it!
Guess who has tickets to see Night of the Living Dead at midnight this Friday, at a theater that sells both food and liquor? It's me!
http://www.enzian.org/film/night_of_the_living_dead/
It's also Sarah!
This kind of thing is among the perks you get if you live with me!
Sarah and I are throwing a Halloween event on Saturday, too, and are looking for a punch recipe. Do you have any ideas? The usual cider-served-in-a-hollowed-out-pumpkin isn't doing it for me this year, so we're after something new.
Guess who has tickets to see Night of the Living Dead at midnight this Friday, at a theater that sells both food and liquor? It's me!
http://www.enzian.org/film/night_of_the_living_dead/
It's also Sarah!
This kind of thing is among the perks you get if you live with me!
Sarah and I are throwing a Halloween event on Saturday, too, and are looking for a punch recipe. Do you have any ideas? The usual cider-served-in-a-hollowed-out-pumpkin isn't doing it for me this year, so we're after something new.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
I've forgotten how to log in and now must email all posts in
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzzjgBAaWZw&feature=related
also, have you played this game?
http://www.adamatomic.com/canabalt/mega/
also, have you played this game?
http://www.adamatomic.com/canabalt/mega/
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Because Apple Wouldn't
Yes. This is real. Those wacky people in Japan love their Big American Hamburgers(ハンバーガー).
Even Amish was hesitant when I spoke of this.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Flesh Gordon
Word homies.
I got on the computer after work today and the Gmail tab in Firefox was blinking "Tim says . . . " but there was no message. What were you trying to say Tim? Did you want me to dance for Kevin's amusement? I probably should. Last night, Kevin and his wife talked me through one of the biggest decisions I've made in recent days: Do I go to the hospital to get an x-ray?
Since Kevin's wife (we'll call her "Shannon"); Shannon is an x-ray nurse, I figured she could help me decide if it was an x-ray worthy injury. It was. I kinda had a feeling it was, but I wasn't 100% sure. I fell off a skateboard on Monday (the same day I bought the skateboard) and landed on my hand. I was flying headfirst over the nose of the skateboard at a pretty good clip and it was either my hand or my head that was going to meet the ground. I'm kinda glad it was the hand, although it may be the more useful of the two appendages.
Since I don't have insurance and I don't really have much money, I really didn't want to go to the hospital, but my hand was pretty swelled up and it hurt like a bastard. I didn't get much sleep most of Monday night because of the pain and work on Tuesday was rough. Shannon, and pretty much everything I read on the internet brought me to the same conclusion: Well, it might be broken. You'd have to have an x-ray to find out for sure.
So I got an x-ray and it isn't broken. It only cost $60, too, which was a lot less than I initially thought it would be. "$60, too" sort of looks like $60,000 out of the corner of your eye.
So . . . there is my dance. The skateboard dance. It was painful! Next topic: Jerk n' Off
On the schoolbus from Melrose to Albia, Jerk n' Off was the ultimate insult. If you accused someone of being a masturbator, it was tantamount to saying he was a fag or a nazi, or a killer of puppies or baby seals, or a slave salesman. I held jerk offs in the same regard then like I might now hold a pedophile or any other filthy perv. Self love was a deviant sexual orientation. I totally fell for the whole "Jerk n' Off" propaganda until about 7th grade, then . . . well, fuck, its been a slippery moral slope ever since.
I got on the computer after work today and the Gmail tab in Firefox was blinking "Tim says . . . " but there was no message. What were you trying to say Tim? Did you want me to dance for Kevin's amusement? I probably should. Last night, Kevin and his wife talked me through one of the biggest decisions I've made in recent days: Do I go to the hospital to get an x-ray?
Since Kevin's wife (we'll call her "Shannon"); Shannon is an x-ray nurse, I figured she could help me decide if it was an x-ray worthy injury. It was. I kinda had a feeling it was, but I wasn't 100% sure. I fell off a skateboard on Monday (the same day I bought the skateboard) and landed on my hand. I was flying headfirst over the nose of the skateboard at a pretty good clip and it was either my hand or my head that was going to meet the ground. I'm kinda glad it was the hand, although it may be the more useful of the two appendages.
Since I don't have insurance and I don't really have much money, I really didn't want to go to the hospital, but my hand was pretty swelled up and it hurt like a bastard. I didn't get much sleep most of Monday night because of the pain and work on Tuesday was rough. Shannon, and pretty much everything I read on the internet brought me to the same conclusion: Well, it might be broken. You'd have to have an x-ray to find out for sure.
So I got an x-ray and it isn't broken. It only cost $60, too, which was a lot less than I initially thought it would be. "$60, too" sort of looks like $60,000 out of the corner of your eye.
So . . . there is my dance. The skateboard dance. It was painful! Next topic: Jerk n' Off
On the schoolbus from Melrose to Albia, Jerk n' Off was the ultimate insult. If you accused someone of being a masturbator, it was tantamount to saying he was a fag or a nazi, or a killer of puppies or baby seals, or a slave salesman. I held jerk offs in the same regard then like I might now hold a pedophile or any other filthy perv. Self love was a deviant sexual orientation. I totally fell for the whole "Jerk n' Off" propaganda until about 7th grade, then . . . well, fuck, its been a slippery moral slope ever since.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Definitely contracting diabetes
Today I have eaten a slice of pumpkin cheesecake (on top of two yesterday), crafted by my own preternaturally skillful hands, and a coconut cake made with Splenda. HOLY SHIT they are both delicious. The coconut cake kind of tastes like Play-Doh, but really delicious Play-Doh. I hope you appreciate how I took the time to correctly spell and punctuate Play-Doh.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Halloween Potluck
So as I discussed earlier in the comments I will now be officially having a potluck at my place on October 31st. We just need sides and deserts are considering a few different things to prepare. Of course after wards we could hit up the bar scene and cry.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Halloween
Five years ago, there was supposed to be a Halloween party up at UNI, and it fell apart. Mainly, because Britt Ogle got involved, Bil and Kellynn and myself were too damn tired, and apparently there was a chinchilla problem in Cedar Falls. My memory is hazy, and I don't even remember having a costume.
So what is happening this year? I am hand-fisting a costume with what little budget (read: no money) I can afford (read: squander) to make something awesome (read: brain raping). I heard talk of something happening in Des Moines involving Superhero themed somethings or other.
If all else fails, we go to Catoor's or Cab and be sad. Sad.
So who wants a Halloween spoiler? Probably the most expensive part of my costume.
So what is happening this year? I am hand-fisting a costume with what little budget (read: no money) I can afford (read: squander) to make something awesome (read: brain raping). I heard talk of something happening in Des Moines involving Superhero themed somethings or other.
If all else fails, we go to Catoor's or Cab and be sad. Sad.
So who wants a Halloween spoiler? Probably the most expensive part of my costume.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
true stories
Here are several true stories. I will save the best one for last:
1) I have lost several items from the library. I have also remembered why I stay far fucking away from libraries. Granted, most of the shit I checked out in the last month is still where I expected it to be, but one CD has like--warped out of its case and two books have crawled into unknown recesses of my car.
2) For a while last week, the cat slept with us almost every night. Now she has started to spend her nights running back and forth down the hall instead. This wouldn't really be an issue, except that I keep waking up wondering when she will start meowing outside the door or trying to burrow her way beneath the door and into the bedroom. SO: last night, well after Sarah had gone to sleep and I decided to brush my teeth, I wondered what to do about the cat. I went to the kitchen to get some water and said loudly to myself, "I shall have to forcibly take her to bed."
Anyway, on my walk to the car today I was thinking about all the awkward social interactions that phrase could cause out of context, when I heard the squealing of tires close by. I turned and saw a shitty silver hatchback sliding hard around the corner half a block off, with its door open. Why is its door open? I wondered. The door was open so that a woman could leap out. The car was still moving and she landed on her feet for maybe a quarter second before tumbling over the curb and into the grass. She then stood and walked toward a bar nearby. The car idled in the street and another car , waiting for it to move, 3-point turned around. The driver of the silver car hugged his head and then rested it on the steering wheel. Then he turned around and drove up to the woman. I went to work.
1) I have lost several items from the library. I have also remembered why I stay far fucking away from libraries. Granted, most of the shit I checked out in the last month is still where I expected it to be, but one CD has like--warped out of its case and two books have crawled into unknown recesses of my car.
2) For a while last week, the cat slept with us almost every night. Now she has started to spend her nights running back and forth down the hall instead. This wouldn't really be an issue, except that I keep waking up wondering when she will start meowing outside the door or trying to burrow her way beneath the door and into the bedroom. SO: last night, well after Sarah had gone to sleep and I decided to brush my teeth, I wondered what to do about the cat. I went to the kitchen to get some water and said loudly to myself, "I shall have to forcibly take her to bed."
Anyway, on my walk to the car today I was thinking about all the awkward social interactions that phrase could cause out of context, when I heard the squealing of tires close by. I turned and saw a shitty silver hatchback sliding hard around the corner half a block off, with its door open. Why is its door open? I wondered. The door was open so that a woman could leap out. The car was still moving and she landed on her feet for maybe a quarter second before tumbling over the curb and into the grass. She then stood and walked toward a bar nearby. The car idled in the street and another car , waiting for it to move, 3-point turned around. The driver of the silver car hugged his head and then rested it on the steering wheel. Then he turned around and drove up to the woman. I went to work.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Severed Valentine ~or~ Virginary
Last night's dream time! Sadly, no zombies or dinosaurs.
We were at this large apartment that Ryan was DJing at. I wanted to watch this movie called "Severed Valentine" but I kept running into people like Scrote and Gert and Tim. Eventually, it was this Rogue's Gallery of important people there. I use Rogue's Gallery because the Penguin from the 50s Batman show was there,too.
Ryan had this ragtime song about butterflies that he wanted me to sing. I still wanted to get out of there and watch SV. After Ryan tried to coax me in front of the party, I shot him down and got booed. Hiding on a couch, Madison (not McD, the Seattle one) was playing a Tiger Handheld of Zelda II and told me she wanted to watch Severed Valentine at her place. We promptly left.
And then I woke up. God damn it.
What could have Severed Valentine been about? It sounds as though it could have been a horror film, or possibly a zombie apocalypse. Then again, it sounds like an XBOX tag. Or it could be one of them fancy Indy films.
We were at this large apartment that Ryan was DJing at. I wanted to watch this movie called "Severed Valentine" but I kept running into people like Scrote and Gert and Tim. Eventually, it was this Rogue's Gallery of important people there. I use Rogue's Gallery because the Penguin from the 50s Batman show was there,too.
Ryan had this ragtime song about butterflies that he wanted me to sing. I still wanted to get out of there and watch SV. After Ryan tried to coax me in front of the party, I shot him down and got booed. Hiding on a couch, Madison (not McD, the Seattle one) was playing a Tiger Handheld of Zelda II and told me she wanted to watch Severed Valentine at her place. We promptly left.
And then I woke up. God damn it.
What could have Severed Valentine been about? It sounds as though it could have been a horror film, or possibly a zombie apocalypse. Then again, it sounds like an XBOX tag. Or it could be one of them fancy Indy films.
a real bad case
I forgot to tell this story even to Sarah, so here, I will tell it to you people:
Yesterday a student came in to see me. She is a new student. Her boyfriend sat next to her and then started, as I spoke to this woman, to poke at the stuff on my desk. I have a jar of bamboo shoots leftover from martinis which I brought in for spearing fruit, and he took one, then several, which I ignored. He then made a face and said, while his girlfriend was asking me a question, "I got a real bad case of gas." Beat. "Real bad." She looked at him, appalled. "Why do you always do this?" he said. "Don't get...jeez."
Yesterday a student came in to see me. She is a new student. Her boyfriend sat next to her and then started, as I spoke to this woman, to poke at the stuff on my desk. I have a jar of bamboo shoots leftover from martinis which I brought in for spearing fruit, and he took one, then several, which I ignored. He then made a face and said, while his girlfriend was asking me a question, "I got a real bad case of gas." Beat. "Real bad." She looked at him, appalled. "Why do you always do this?" he said. "Don't get...jeez."
Not brickish
I am preparing to eat some cookies that a caterer dropped off in our office, presumably in the hopes that we would be so enthralled that we would hire her to cater graduation ceremonies or the dark rituals we run every second Blood Moon involving the lowest 5% of the graduating class. Whenever free food appears from mysterious sources I always wonder, what if it is poisoned? Is it possible? Definitely. Likely? Definitely not. But yet: possible.
I can tell you these cookies look pretty delicious.
There's a little card with a website attached to the cookies--so maybe I will go there now. But what if there's a little grinning ASCII death's head? DID YOU EAT THE COOKIES? it might say in red type. And then some information about precisely how long I have to crawl to the parking lot before my internal organs fail entirely.
Sarah commented about one of my recent posts that a genuine babyhide briefcase would suit Billy very well, and I absolutely agree.
Billy, contact your local rawhidseman for an estimate.
No shit, something just exploded outside. But I am still alive and intact so it must not have been anything too dynamic.
Cookie the First: pretty solid. As in tasty, not brickish.
I can tell you these cookies look pretty delicious.
There's a little card with a website attached to the cookies--so maybe I will go there now. But what if there's a little grinning ASCII death's head? DID YOU EAT THE COOKIES? it might say in red type. And then some information about precisely how long I have to crawl to the parking lot before my internal organs fail entirely.
Sarah commented about one of my recent posts that a genuine babyhide briefcase would suit Billy very well, and I absolutely agree.
Billy, contact your local rawhidseman for an estimate.
No shit, something just exploded outside. But I am still alive and intact so it must not have been anything too dynamic.
Cookie the First: pretty solid. As in tasty, not brickish.
Monday, October 05, 2009
Guess who is going to see Gwar
GUESS WHO IS GOING TO SEE GWAR TONIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!
No, not really. But they are playing here.
If you're on Facebook, you may know that the cat killed our Xbox. Really, she just chewed through the cables. So: this is easily fixed. But she also chewed through the damn internet cable a few weeks back. What will she not chew through? Will she grind her way into another dimension? Sarah and I are now wrapping cables in aluminum foil like crazy people and are going to stuff what we can into a plastic tube.
Aside from these chewings, the cat is still working out well.
.
No, not really. But they are playing here.
If you're on Facebook, you may know that the cat killed our Xbox. Really, she just chewed through the cables. So: this is easily fixed. But she also chewed through the damn internet cable a few weeks back. What will she not chew through? Will she grind her way into another dimension? Sarah and I are now wrapping cables in aluminum foil like crazy people and are going to stuff what we can into a plastic tube.
Aside from these chewings, the cat is still working out well.
.
Saturday, October 03, 2009
The Truth At Last!
Kevin, Dave and I were at Kum and Go gettin' gas when a carload of girls goes by and Dave says, and I Quote " Sorry ladies one of us is taken, one of us is gay, and one of us is Amish."
I hereby nominate Dave for the Retard Hall of Fame!
I hereby nominate Dave for the Retard Hall of Fame!
Friday, October 02, 2009
Best quote from Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep
"My briefcase," Rick said as he rummaged for the Voight-Kampff forms. "Nice, isn't it... One hundred percent genuine human babyhide."
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Wedding pics.
For those who would like to view them..there are ohhh about 1500 or so on this website. The password is shannonkevin09. The amish pictures are pretty funny.
